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Top Ten Lists!

Catholic Definitions: Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not produced by David Letterman.
Top Ten Horses Least Likely To Win the Kentucky Derby 10. Future Glue 9. Senor Sleepy 8. Parts On Order 7. Tax Write-Off 6. Two Fat Guys In a Horse Costume 5. Pothole Dancer 4. 2-Legged Pierre 3. Ebola 2. Kevorkian's Delight 1. CBS
Recalled Christmas Toys: 1. Broken Bag-O-Glass 2. Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit 3. Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook 4. Timothy McVays home Chemistry set 5. Switchblade Barney 6. Pork-n-Beany Babies 7. Make your own moonshine kit 8. Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)
The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts: 1. Spinach flavored Rice Cakes. 2. Teeth removing Taffy 3. Metamucil in a straw 4. Ex-Lax Brownies 5. Caramel Covered Zucchini 6. Colored Crisco on a Stick 7. Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts 8. Chocolate Covered Prunes 9. A Handful of Red Man 10. Anything that ticks!
Top Ten TV Show In Iraq... 10. Husseinfeld 9. Mad About Everything 8. Allah McBeal 7. Wheel of Fortune and Terror 6. Achmed's Creek 5. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right 4. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest 3. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show 2. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs 1. Suddenly Sanctions
Top Ten Television Shows in Iraq: 1. "Husseinfeld" 2. "Mad About Everything" 3. "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed" 4. "Suddenly Sanctions" 5. "Allah McBeal" 6. "Wheel of Fortune and Terror" 7. "Achmed's Creek" 8. "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers" 9. "Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs" 10. "Just Shoot Me"
Top Ten Song Titles On The Pope's New Album... 10. Girls Just Want To Be Nuns 9. Wind Beneath My Vestments 8. Pretty Fly (For A Celibate Guy) 7. A Whiter Shade Of Robe 6. Exactly Like A Virgin 5. Sistine Candles 4. Take This Job And Read It 3. Gettin' Popey Wit It 2. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me 1. Papa's Got A Brand New Encyclical
Top ten reasons why it's good to be Italian: 1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes 2. Unembarrassed to wear fur. 3. No need to worry about tax returns 4. Glorious military history... well, until about 400 a.d. 5. Can wear sunglasses inside 6. Political stability 7. Flexible working hours 8. Live near the Pope 9. Country run by Sicilian murderers
The Top Recently Rejected Saturday Morning Cartoons: 1. "Billy, the Homicidal Smurf." 2. "Scooby and Shaggy Go To The Retirement Home." 3. "Archie, the Abcessed Tooth." 4. "Yosemite Sam...UNCENSORED!" 5. "The Golden Girls meet The Power Rangers." 6. "Da Boys in Mister Rogers Neighborhood." 7. "The Land of The Lost...The Barney Years." 8. "COPS" in full color animation!
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't: 10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He's one hard judge! 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers. 7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense? 5. Better leave the handcuffs on. 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good! 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. 1. Think you can get me off?
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand... 10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made 1. OTHER WOMEN
Reasons why it sucks to be a penis: 01. -You've got a hole in your head. 02. -Your master strangles you all the time. 03. -Your head is smaller than the rest of you 04. -You shrink in cold water. 05. -You never get a haircut. 06. -You always hang around with 2 nuts. 07. -Your closest neighbor is an asshole. 08. -Your best friend is a pussy. 09. -Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish. 10. -Every time you get excited, you throw up.
Top Ten Things to Describe a Stupid Person... 1. A few crumbs short of a crouton. 2. A few clowns short of a circus. 3. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 4. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. 5. A few beers short of a six-pack. 6. A few peas short of a casserole. 7. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. 8. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. 9. One taco short of a combination plate. 10. A few feathers short of a whole duck
Top Things You Should Not Say To A Judge: 1. "I got your community service right here pal!" 2. "Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on." 3. "You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!" 4. "You're not as easy to buy as others said you were." 5. "No you robe wearing geek." 6. "I don't suppose there's a "You get me off, I get you off" type of deal out there?" 7. "Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?"
Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer: 10. The monitor is up on blocks. 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is "Huntin". 4. The CPU has a gun rack mount. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say: 1. What do you mean today's our anniversary? 2. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV. 3. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!! 4. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska! 5. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there. 6. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here. 7. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
Top 10 Rejected Slogans for Starfleet: 10. Every cadet gets a free 'goddess of empathy' doll. 9. We got presidents just as indeciseive as Clinton! 8. We can kick Star Wars' ass!7. DS9: Home of the glop on a stick. The Glopper! 6. Voyager's not lost it just took a wrong turn at Uranus! 5. Not every Enterprise is doomed! 4. Not every Galaxy Class ship has been blown up!3. We don't got EWOKS! 2. We can kick those ID4's aliens ass! 1. You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile!
The Top Signs That You've Hired A Bad Private Eye: 1. Considers reading "The Hardy Boys Mysteries" actually helpful reasearch. 2. He has a pet basset hound named "Flash" that acts as his trusty assistant. 3. His best disguise is wearing a hat. 4. Keeps getting confused and follows you all the time. 5. Won't read any messages without his trusty decoder ring. 6. Dresses up like Jessica Fletcher from "Murder She Wrote" when he thinks he's caught the suspect. 7. Well, he's blind.
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't... 10. Nuts...my shaft is bent. 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. 7. Look at the size of his putter. 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more. 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it. 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired. 1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.
The Top 10 Superheroes Needed To Fight Cybercrime: 1. Inspector Gadget 2. Chief Wiggum from the Simpsons 3. Captain America On Line 4. The Wonder Barbi Twins 5. The Silver Surfer 6. The XXX Men(they handle strictly cyber porn) 7. Up in the sky, wearing glasses, a big letter E on his chest and a "Nets"cape, its Bill Gates as GEEKMAN!!! 8. DBase Ventura 9. Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby with the Mystery Machine( Jinkies, there goes another hacker!!) 10. Who else knows the web better than Spiderman???
Food Ideas Rejected By McDonalds: 1. Chicken McBobbitts 2. Salmon McNella 3. Tom & Roseanne "Together Forever" Value Meal 4. Shirley McLean Burger 5. McMenudo 6. Filet o' Gefilte Fish 7. Way Too Happy Meal 8. Lion King Hairball Happy Meal 9. Them Ain't Nuggets! 10. McKitty Sandwich 11. Boutrous Boutrous Burger 12. Rocky Mountain McOysters 13. McSpleen 14. The Depressed Meal 15. Filet O' Flesh 16. McShrooms 17. Bob Barker's Happy Pants Meal 18. McTonya Club Sandwich 19. Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal
The Top Signs You're In A Bad Nursing Home: 1. Its named Heaven's Waiting Room. 2. Cheap TV antenna can't pick up Xena: Warrior Princess. 3. Defibrilator doubles as a remote control. 4. Its named Matlock Manor. 5. No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets. 6. Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man. 7. You can't ring a nurse but you can page the attorney's office down the hall. 8. Rectal thermometers made of wood. 9. Two words: Community Bedpan.
Ten Most Violent Upcoming Movies: 10. "Erin Brockovich Gets Her Face Chewed Off by Rats" 9. "Mary Poppins A Cap In Your Ass" 8. "Bitch-Slapping Miss Daisy" 7. "How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2: Whoopi Goldberg's Bikini Wax" Oh, for God's sake. I'm sorry we had to print that one. 6. "Peyote Ugly" 5. "Circumcision: The Purification Begins" 4. "Thou Hast Deflowered My Daughter: An Amish Ass-kickin'" 3. "Field of Limbs" 2. "Terminal Velocity 2" starring Christopher Reeve 1. "How the Grinch Stole My Urethra"
Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to: 10. Tommy Lee's------- Camp Kickachickee. 9. Lorena Bobbit's------ Camp Cutaweewee. 8. Tanya Harding's------ Camp Wackaneenee. 7. Kenneth Star's------- Camp Catchacrookee. 6. Louis Farakahn's----- Camp Killawhitey. 5. O.J. Simpson's------- Camp Killachickee. 4. Michael Jackson's---- Camp Wannabewhitey. 3. President Clinton's-- Camp Getahoochie. 2. Ellen Degeneras's---- Camp Lickacoochie. And the number one camp not to send your kid to: 1. Monica Lewinsky's---- Camp Suckapeepee.


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