Sex Jokes!A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots. "Where is your costume?" the husband asked. "This is it," replied his wife. "I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on." The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis. "What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife. "I am a fire alarm," he replied. "A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing. "Yes," he said. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."
A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex. To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year". The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?" The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. An hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife . . .She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay..."But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
Women's Christmas Wishes: Dear Father Christmas: Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. He's not afraid to admit when he is wrong. One who thinks before he speaks When he promises to call, he doesn't wait six weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind. Knows just what to say when I ask: "How fat is my behind?" One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin' He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen! I wish that this man will love me to no end, And would never compare me with my best girlfriend. Thank You in advance and now I'll just wait, For I know You will send him before it's too late.
A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance. The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men.
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and said, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours." The guy says, "Gimme three boxes." The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay." The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?" The man says, "No, it's for my arms - the girls didn't show up."
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang. When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor." She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem." The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"
There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!" All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."
A man walks into a watch and clock store, unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter. The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid. She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir, this is a clock shop - not a cock shop!" "Well," replies the man, "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?" The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs, so there was only one solution - more layoffs. But there were only two possibilities - Jack and Mary. This was going to be a hard decision - they were both excellent workers, and equally qualified - but one had to go. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide. So he called Mary in first. "I'm sorry," he began, "I've got some bad news. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well, can you jack off, I've got a terrible headache?"
Why E-mail Is Like a Penis 1. Some people have it, some don't. 2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off. 3. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. 4. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. 5. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. 6. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. 7. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 8. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. 9. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself, "Why on earth did I do that?" It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will do the same damn dumb things it did before.