Sex Jokes!Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out: You can barely make out your S. L.'s face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.
What did the guy say to his dick after he found that the girl he's getting ready to fuck has genital warts? "Hang on, boy! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!"
Pussy Versus Beer: If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment. Advantage: Draw
One man calls emergency: Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom! After five minutes, the same man calls back: It is OK, I found another one!
Murphy's Law in Sex: Safe sex: When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance!
A little boy asked his mother: Mummy, why are you white and I am black? Don't even ask me that, when I remember that party, you are lucky that you don't bark!
What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman? A40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them!
There once was a genie with a 12 foot wenie who showed it to the girl next door. She thought it was a snake so she hit it with a rake, and now its only 1 foot 4.
Pussy Versus Beer: If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad. Advantage: Beer.
How many animals can you get into a pair of tights? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.
Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out: He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.
How many animals can you get into a pair of tights? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find!
Reasons For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us: Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."
A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him. The husband: - Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!
Reasons For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us: Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.
Pussy Versus Beer: If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. Advantage: Pussy
Two friends: Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come Of course! How many people are coming? Three, if you bring your girlfriend!
Bedroom Golf Rules: The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
Pussy Versus Beer: If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five. Advantage: Pussy
Pussy Versus Beer: It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game. Advantage: Pussy
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? - Jay Leno
A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and asks, "Do you want to play magic?" "What's that?" she replies. Grinning a little, he continues, "You come back to my place, have sex, then disappear."
Bedroom Golf Rules: Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. (Course time is four - five hours)
Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive, and saw a beautiful model walking towards them. "What a babe," one said, "I'd sure like to fuck her!" "Really?" the other responded, "Out of what?"
The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton!
Two new young interns are hired in the White House. They are walking down the hall when President Clinton sees them. The President walks up and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."
What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator!
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out: After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points.
Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out: In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"
Bedroom Golf Rules: The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".
Last night, the Pharmacy in the General Store on the corner was robbed. Two men entered the back, with all the prescription drugs and stole the entire supply of Viagra. The police are now looking for a pair of hardened criminals.
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
Bedroom Golf Rules: It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
Bedroom Golf Rules: Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best, " the first guy says. The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy "What about you?". "Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavors. Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavor. As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says: Gorgonzola! Wait, it is not on yet!
A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"
NEW DRUG IDENTIFICATION In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on... The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on...... Mycoxafailin
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference.
One day a single mother was in the grocery store with her 4 kids. They were acting up. Bad little kids. They were running around grabbing items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place. The mother grabbed all and said "I should of swallowed all of you!"
A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"
One woman stops a taxi. To the airport, please. After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says: You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today. Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant. Well, you haven't arrived to the airport yet neither!
Bob and Bill, two eighty year olds were discussing their sex lives. Bob said, "Bill, I hear they have a new drug out that helps you have sex and I think it's called Viagra." Bill said, "Can you get it over the counter?" Bob thought for a while and said, "Maybe if you take two you can."
Two hookers were standing on a street corner ready for a night of business. "It's gonna be a good night tonight, I can tell" says one of the girls. "How can you tell?" says the other. "I can smell cock in the air" replies the first hooker. "Sorry", her friend replied, " I just burped!"
Bedroom Golf Rules: Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.