Political Jokes!Limit all US politicians to two terms. One in office, one in prison.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. Recovery is when Obama loses his job!
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is. It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night." Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!" A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?" They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.." Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898." The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back." Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and says, "Welcome. Come walk with me and I'll show you where you'll be staying." As they're walking along the path he notices clocks on the Golden Fence of Heaven. He asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?" St. Peter replies, "They're clocks for every person in the world. They click once for each time you lie." By the time they reach where the man is staying, he asks out of curiosity, "I didn't see any politicians' clocks. Where are they kept?" St. Peter calmly replies, "People here use them as fans."
Bail' em out? Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey? What the Hell are we thinking?
It is the month of August, a resort town sits next to the shores of a lake. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 dollar bill on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick a room. The hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. The Butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig raiser. The pig raiser takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel. The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit. The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there. The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything. At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town. No one earned anything...however, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business.
Politics and religion don't mix well!
What is the Taliban's national bird? Duck!
Whats the only positive thing about Kenya? HIV.
Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job!
How do you play Taliban bingo? B-52...F-16...B-1...
The worst political candidate will become President!
The Clinton Administration: Stupid is as stupid does!
What's wrong with political jokes? They get elected!
What do you call a Taliban who owns six goats? A pimp!
No matter who gets elected, government always gets in!
What is Socialism? Victory of ideology over clear mind!
Democrats seem to think they have a monopoly on protest!
Obama is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe!
What's the five-day forecast for Afghanistan? Two days!
Who taught Princess Di's chauffer to drive? Ted Kennedy!
What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common? Nothing, yet!
George Bush is living proof why stupid people shouldn't vote!
If character is not an issue, why isn't Ted Kennedy president?
Rodhamhood: She steals from everyone to give to the government!
Why are there no TV's in Afghanistan? Because of the Telly ban!
Bill Clinton's 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit thyself!
How can you tell when a politician is lying? His lips are moving!
If Bush was the answer, it must have been a real stupid question!
What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth? A liar!
Clinton and Gore: They have what it takes to take what you've got!
Every revolution has its wastage - sounds the wisdom of politicians!
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader!
Why does Osama Bin Laden carry a piece of shit in his pocket? Photo I.D.
Why does Osama Bin Laden have a beard? He wants to look like his mother!
Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely? Because Janet Reno is her real father!
If 50% of adults are illiterate, how come Obama only got 43% of the vote?
Bill Clinton . . . a good reason not to root for anyone playing Arkansas!
What do you call a Democrat that sleeps around? A breeding-heart liberal!
We were so poor that even Bill Clinton's tax plan wouldn't call us rich!
One thing's sure about Clinton--he sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!
George Bush. The perfect thing if pro wrestling is too complicated for you!
There are too many bills to pay without having to pay the one in Washington!
Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordion!
Why didn't Monica get the job at IBM? She sucked too much at her internship!
If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Diapers and congressmen need to be changed frequently for much the same reason!
Which is worse, a Vice-President who can't spell or a President who can't add?
What's the one thing that Democrats and Republicans share in common? Our money!
The problem with a government-run trust fund is that there is too little of either!
No one can call Clinton a cheap taxpayer. Look at how much he is cost the taxpayers!
Food stamps are rationed so what makes you think government-run health care won't be?
How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone? Both may look out their windows and see Rubble!
The trouble with political jokes is that the dumbest one of them got elected President!
Why do politicians envy ventriloquists? Because they can lie without moving their lips!
How can you tell a politician is not lying to you? He is riding in the back of a hearse!
"Death, Taxes, and Democrats will always be with us, at least Death never gets any worse!"
"When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the blues." -- George Bush
How many French men does it take to defend the city of Paris? Don't know...its never been done!
Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger marry Maria Shriver? They are trying to breed bullet proof Kennedys!
When Bill's Congress passed a law, it's was a joke...but when Hillary tells a joke, it' the law!
And lo, in the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me." "Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark. "Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a building permit." "I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system." "My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision." "Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it." "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl." "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!" "When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space." "Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood." "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew." "Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work." "The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience. "To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species." "So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."