Obama Jokes!Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. Recovery is when Obama loses his job!
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate. - Jay Leno.
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. - Jay Leno.
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. - Conan O'Brien.
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. - Jay Leno.
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. - David Letterman.
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? A: America! - Jimmy Fallon.
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo? A: Bo has papers. - Jimmy Kimmel.
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program? A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. - David Letterman.
Let me get this straight. Obama's health care plan will be written by a committee whose Chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress which hasn't read it, signed by a President who smokes, funded by a Treasury Chief who did not pay his taxes, overseen by a Surgeon General who is obese, and financed by a country that is nearly broke. What could possibly go wrong?
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she's finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he's finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge and feel free to call the USA anytime. Putin goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is. It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border. "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy. "Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent. "But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other." "This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.. "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago." "Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago?" The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
At a medical convention a doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut-off a man's testicles, we put them into another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work" The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain from a person, we put it into another person's head and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." A Russian doctor says: That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person, we put it into another person's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work. The US doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA a couple years ago we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart and no balls....we made him President, and now....the whole country is looking for work!
John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY), filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia), and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (made in MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA.
A message from President....Dear Citizens, Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the Economy, I, President Obama have decided to implement a scheme to put Workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for The SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW Program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as I, President Obama deem appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED Any further by me, President Obama. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. I, President Obama have Always prided myself on the amount of SHIT I give our citizens. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this To the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you All the SHIT you can handle. Sincerely, President Obama. PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas And oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of The Tunnel has been turned off.
Barack Obama is an old Kenyan word for Jimmy Carter.
Obama is so pretty that he gives John Edwards makeup tips!
Obama is so pretty that he can wear white after Labor Day!
Why wouldn't Barack salute the American flag? It was ours!
Obama is so pretty that Bill Clinton wants to intern for him!
Obama is so pretty that he won't ride in Ted Kennedy's car!
What does Barack Obam use for contraception? His personality!
Why won't Obama laugh at himself? Because it would be racist!
Obama is so pretty that his supporters think that he's smart!
President Obama intends to reward ambition. With higher taxes.
Why did Senator Ted Kennedy vote for Barack Obama? Brain tumor!
How did Osama Bin Laden vote for Barack Obama? Absentee ballot!
Obama is so pretty that his anti-matter version is James Carville!
Obama is so pretty that when he goes to Iraq he has to wear a Burka!
Obama is so pretty that his mirror on the wall was struck speechless!
Why did Jane Fonda vote for Barack Obama? Because Ho Chi Minh is dead!
Obama is so pretty that he would even look good in a Hillary pantsuit!
Why did Bill Ayers vote for Barack Obama? Bill thinks Obama's the bomb!
"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit Obama's national debt."
Obama is so pretty that he would be a 10 if his Daddy owned a liquor store!
What is the difference between President Obama and Karl Marx? Nobody knows!
Why doesn't Barack drink Pepsi? He thinks that things go better with coke!
Beer is better than Obama because beer is green only on St. Patrick's Day!
Don't think of it as paying more taxes. Think of it as giving Obama a big tip.
Obama is so pretty that the new symbol of the Democrat Party will be a unicorn!
Obama is so pretty that the White House Rose Garden will need to triple in size!
Why did Jay Leno vote for Barack Obama? Because he ran out of George Bush jokes!
Bill Clinton said, "I didn't inhale." Barack Obama says, "I didn't inject!"
Richard Nixon said 'I am not a crook!" Barack Obama says "I am not on crack!"
Obama and Hillary are both on a sinking ship in the Pacific! Who is saved? America!
If you have ever chuckled at his middle name, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
What do Obama and Osama have in common? They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon!
President Obama's tax return should list Bill Ayers and Reverend Wright as dependents.
Movies: Michael J. Fox - "Back to the Future!" Barack Obama - "There is No Future!"
Harry Truman said, "The buck stops here!" Barack Obama says, "Leave the bucks here!"
What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer? Barack Obama!
Beer is better then Obama because when you finish a beer the can is still worth 5 cents!
Obama doesn't want terrorists tortured. He wants to torture American taxpayers instead.
Why doesn't Obama pray? It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.
Who should be listed as the most expensive dependent on your tax return? President Obama.
Why did Obama change his name from Barry to Barack? He thought Barry sounded too American!
What do you call the US after four years of Obama and the Liberal Congress? An Obama nation.
How can you tell when Obama has been smoking dope? He answers the door when the phone rings!
Why won't Barack Obama's presidential jet be flight worthy? It will only have a left wing!
David Letterman: Signs Barack Obama Is Overconfident. Having head measured for Mount Rushmore!
Why did Britney Spears vote for Barack Obama? Because she ran out of other crazy things to do!
Why will President Obama get a new puppy for the White House? Joe Biden is getting on in years!
Barack Obama isn't planning on buying TurboTax. Obama can turbocharge our taxes all by himself.
Why will President Obama bulldoze the Rose Garden? He doesn't want any bushes at the White House!
David Letterman: Signs Barack Obama Is Overconfident. Proposed bill to change Oklahoma to Oklabama!
Why did David Letterman vote for Barack Obama? Because he ran out of Jay Leno's George Bush jokes!
If you ever shared the video comparing him to Paris Hilton, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
How does Obama change a light bulb? He inserts the bulb & waits for the world to revolve around him!
Washington is on the 1 dollar bill. Franklin is on the 100 dollar bill. What will Obama be on? Coke!
What will the difference be between President Obama and Karl Marx? Karl Marx had way more experience.
Next year's "stimulus" tax return will fit on a postcard. How much money did you make? Mail it in.
Why did Jimmy Carter vote for Obama? Because Jimmy doesn't want to be the worst President in history!
Why is Barack Obama so thin and scrawny? If he were any heavier he wouldn't be able to walk on water!
Why is security doubled on Michelle Obama? If something happened to her then Barack would be in charge!
What's the similarity between Barack Obama and Monica Lewinski? They've both left a Clinton standing.
It's a funny thing about Socialists; give one an inch and the next thing you know he'll be president!
Why didn't Obama notice all of the bad things Pastor Wright was saying? He was busy polishing his halo!
What do Miley Cyrus and Barack Obama have in common? They both attract young people with mindless verses!
Why did Obama ride in the back of a Presidential limousine? The Vatican wouldn't sell him a Pope-Mobile!
If you ever laughed at the claim that he campaigned in 57 states, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
Jay Leno: Of course, Obama's supporters got him his usual birthday gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
Why won't Obama show his real birth certificate? He's deciding what names-Barack Barry Hussein Obama Soetoro!
If you ever noted that his pastor acted like he was on Def Comedy Jam, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
If you ever ridiculed the assertion that tire gauges lower gas prices, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.
President Obama will make it a lot easier for most people to do their income taxes next year. No jobs, no income.
The best things in life are free but President Obama's tax advisors are working hard trying to solve that problem.
If you ever downloaded the video of him bowling a 37 in front of reporters, you may be guilty of racist Obama jokes.