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Marriage Jokes!

Every man wants a wife that is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law only allows us to be married to one woman at a time.
A young girl was attending her first wedding, watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless. The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by one. Soon, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, "Why doesn't he just hurry up and pick one?"
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother explained. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"
A man and his wife were driving home to Pittsburgh one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "OK, Get in the car with it." The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there." "But what about the smell?" said the wife. "Just hold its little nose." The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!" His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the heck is this?" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker. "It's not talcum powder; it's Miracle Grow!" You guys just never learn, do not tick off the woman.
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty-four years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a $1,500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.
Two men are waiting at the gates of Heaven and strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Single vs. Engaged vs. married: Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!" The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!" The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled.........."Hey, Batman,what's for dinner?"
A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister. "I'm really concerned about this marriage," the young man said. "Don't you love her?" the pastor asked in surprise. "Of course," the groom said. "But I have unbelievably smelly feet and I'm afraid my fiancee won't be able to stand them." "Oh, is that all?" the pastor replied. "Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time." The groom thought it over and decided it just might work. Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister's wife. "I'm so worried," she sobbed. "I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!" "Oh, dear," the pastor's wife replied," everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don't worry about it." "No, you don't understand," the bride implored. "My morning breath is so awful, my fiancee won't even want to be near me!" "Well, I have an idea," the pastor's wife said soothingly. "Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you've taken care of your breath." The bride thought it over and decided it just might work. In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves. They one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn't find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, "What in the world are you doing?" "Oh, dear!" the young man wailed. "You swallowed my sock!"
My other wife is beautiful!
Man and wife make one fool!
What's new? Most of my wife!
Spinster: A bachelor's wife!
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce!
May you never leave your marriage alive!
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death!
Marriage is a rest period between romances!
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby.
Why did God create man? He needed to practice
How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares
Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin!
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry!
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife!
For married people only: Happy Independence Day.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted !
Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno!
What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper!
Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites attract.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage!
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife!
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke!
A Mother's Dictionary: Verbal: Able to whine in words
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth!
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage!
What did God say after he created man? I can do better
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience!
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity!
If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. - Chekhov
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie!
Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't!
My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them!
What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist
When do you care for a man's company? A. When he owns it.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them!
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws!
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence!
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? A. Sex.
And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise!
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first!
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all!
Only a man could buy a $400 car and put a $4000 stereo in it
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her!
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way!


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