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Life Jokes!

In any given situation, people will act so as to display the maximum possible amount of stupidity for that situation!
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it!
In Las Vegas, wherever you want to go in a casino, it's as far as possible from where you are, no matter where you are!
It is better to be a pessimist than an optimist because when you say the glass is half empty it will have to be refilled!
The better you know the amount of ill luck that will strike you, the worse you know when this will happen, and vice-versa!
Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up!
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie!
If you plan for something to go wrong, and it doesn't go wrong, it would have been ultimately profitable for it to go wrong!
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them!
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny..."
The complexity and frustration factor is inversely proportional to how much time you have left to finish, and how important it is!
The probability that something can go wrong is directly proportional to the square of the amount of inconvenience it can cause you!
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them!
If there is a possibility! of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the first one to go wrong.
In any particular situation, if three things can go wrong, they usually do in sequence, each facilitating the occurrence of the next!
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you paymfor letting the relatives stay over!
If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue that contains the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read!
A paint drip will always find the hole in the newspaper and land on the carpet underneath (and will not be discovered until it has dried)!
If a dish is dropped while removing it from the cupboard, it will hit the sink, breaking the dish and chipping or denting the sink in the process!
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment!
If in a series events that could have gone wrong and didn't, It will have been ultimately beneficial for them to have gone wrong in the first place!
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt!
When you really need something, its either not available, or can't be found. When you don't need it, its either available, or lays around in plain sight!
If a valuable falls in a hard to reach place at a distance shorter than the tip of your finger, as soon as you try to reach it you'll push it to that distance!
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop!
A valuable dropped item will always fall into an inaccessible place (a diamond ring down the drain, for example) - or into the garbage disposal while it is running!
All good things come to those who wait but, don't wait too long or they will pass you by like 2 ships that pass in the night...never again to return that same exact site!
If you pick up a chunk of broken concrete and try to pitch it into an adjacent lot, it will hit a tree limb and come down right on the driver's side of your car windshield!
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up!
If you use a pole saw to saw a limb while standing on an aluminum ladder borrowed from your neighbor, the limb will fall in such a way as to bend the ladder before it knocks you to the ground!
A dropped power tool will always land on the concrete instead of the soft ground (if outdoors) or the carpet (if indoors) - unless it is running, in which case it will fall on something it can damage (like your foot).
There are four things that you cannot recover in life: (1) The Stone..........after it's thrown, (2) The Word..............after it's said, (3) The Occasion......after it's missed, and (4) The Time.............after it's gone.
Absolute Truth: I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
Absolute Truth: Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
Absolute Truth: I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
Absolute Truth: There is great need for a sarcasm font.
Absolute Truth: How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Absolute Truth: Was learning cursive really necessary?
Absolute Truth: Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Absolute Truth: Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
Absolute Truth: I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Absolute Truth: Bad decisions make good stories.
Absolute Truth: You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Absolute Truth: Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
Absolute Truth: I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
Absolute Truth: I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
Absolute Truth: I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
Absolute Truth: I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
Absolute Truth: I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
Absolute Truth: I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
Absolute Truth: How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
Absolute Truth: I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
Absolute Truth: Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
Absolute Truth: Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
Absolute Truth: Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth... When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. "May I see the new baby?" I asked. "Not yet," She said. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," She said. After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, "May I see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied my friend. Growing very impatient, I asked, "Well, when can I see the baby?" "WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me. "WHEN HE CRIES?" I demanded. "Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?" "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?"
George Carlin's Reflections on Life: 1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. 8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac? 9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is! 10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. 11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you. 12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. 13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall. 14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!" 15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

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