Lawyer Jokes!A student was asked if he knew what Roe v. Wade was about. He answered that he thought it was the decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross the Delaware.
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy. One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here." "No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!" Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let her through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" But the trash man had just seen the movie, too, and he answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter," said Peter. Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, "Name them."
At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces, "Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar." Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. He prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."
A rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car broke down. They set out to find help and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!" Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?" Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top." Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined." "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, Sir." "Aggressive and hostile?" "Yes, Sir?" "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?" "Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"
"Did he kill you?"
Lawyer: Were you alone or by yourself?
Dumb Laws: Oklahoma: Tattoos are banned.
Dumb Laws: Florida: Oral sex is illegal.
Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Actual Court Testimony: Q: Did he kill you?
What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator!
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
Dumb Laws: Minnesota: Oral sex is prohibited.
Alan's Law: All things being equal, you lose.
What did the lawyer name his daughter? A: Sue.
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
Shirley's Law: Most people deserve each other.
O'Toole's Commentary: Murphy was an optimist.
What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.
Murphy's 3rd Military Law: Friendly fire ain't.
Dumb Laws: Utah: It is illegal not to drink milk.
Dumb Laws: Connecticut: You may not educate dogs.
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
Dumb Laws: Arizona: Hunting camels is prohibited.
Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery!
Dumb Laws: Virginia: It is illegal to tickle women.
The Ultimate Law: All general statements are false.
Dumb Laws: Oregon: One may not box with a kangaroo.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad? "Your honor!"
Dumb Laws: Vermont: Whistling underwater is illegal!
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope!
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
Dumb Laws: Indiana: Liquor stores may not sell milk.
What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? Senator.
Dumb Laws: Indiana: Drinks on the house are illegal.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
Dumb Laws: North Dakota: You may not run out of gas.
Dumb Laws: Michigan: Smoking while in bed is illegal.
Dumb Laws: Oregon: People may not whistle underwater.
Where can you find a good lawyer? In the city morgue!
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners!
Dumb Laws: New Jersey: Raw hamburger may not be sold.
Actual court testimony: Were you alone or by yourself.
What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? Senator.
Why do Lawyers smell? So the blind can hate them, too!
"Are you sexually active?" "No, I just lie there."
How was wire invented? Two lawyers pulling on a penny.
Beckhap's Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
Dumb Laws: Idaho: You may not fish on a camel's back.
Dumb Laws: Wisconsin: It is illegal to kiss on a train.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips move!
Don't be humble - you're not that great. - Golda Meir
Dumb Laws: Nebraska: It is Illegal to go whale fishing.
Dumb Laws: Virginia: It is illegal to spit on sidewalk.