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Irish Jokes!

Knock, knock! Who's there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? A: A sham rock.
Q: Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? A: Because they're always wearing green.
Q: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green? A: A Jolly Green Giant.
Q: What did one Irish ghost say to the other? A: 'Top o' the moaning!
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Seamus, do you understand French? I do if its spoken in Irish!
What are the best 10 years of an Irishman's life? Third grade!
What's Irish and sits out in the summertime? Patty O'Furniture!
Why are Irish jokes so simple? So the English can understand them!
What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food? Gaelic breath!
What do you call an Irishman who has 1,500 girlfriends? A shepherd!
What does a IT student call a D.C.U student after graduation? Boss.
How do you get a IT grad off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza!
The Irish Water Polo Team drowned four horses during the first chukka!
You know you've got Irish blood if you wake up everyday with a hangover!
What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A bachelor!
What's the difference between an Irish wedding & Irish wake? 1 less drunk!
What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A Murder Suspect!
How do they separate the men from the boys at Trinity? With a restraining order!
How can you tell if a Trinity student is heterosexual? He can outrun his roommate!
Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald!
Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? Because they're always a little short!
How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? He's Dublin over with laughter!
Why don't they have Christmas at Trinity? They can't find a virgin and three wise men!
What's the first thing a Trinity girl does when she wakes up in the morning? Walks home!
What do you get when you drive quickly through the Carlow campus? An undergraduate degree!
What do tornadoes and graduates from ITs have in common? They both end up in trailer parks!
How do you confuse an Irish laborer? Give him a shovel and a fork and tell him to take his pick!
What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German? A man who's too drunk to follow orders!
Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Carlow? Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away!
How many Athlone IT students does it take to change a lightbulb? None - Westmeath looks better in the dark!
The Irish attempt at scaling Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding!
Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist. There he was. All dressed up and no place to go!
If there were only three Irishmen left in the world you'd find two of them in a corner talking about the other!
A severe storm rumbled through Carlow last week and destroyed the entire town: $10 worth of damage was reported!
Definition of an Irish husband? A man who hasn't kissed his wife in twenty years, but he'll kill the man who does!
How many Trinity students does it take to change a lightbulb? One - he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him!
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn considers him to be very lucky. His wife makes him walk!
Why do Trinity graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles? So they can park in handicap spaces!
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
Why does it take five Irishmen to change a lightbulb? One to change the bulb. Four to remark about how grand the old bulb was!
What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common? They both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job!
"Drink is a curse," proclaimed the Irish Priest. "It makes you quarrel with your neighbour, and shoot at your landlord.and miss!
Irish lass customer: Could I be trying on that dress in the window? Shopkeeper: Well now, I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.
How many UL students does it take to change a lightbulb? Three - One to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one!
Did you hear that the library at Trinity burned down? Naturally, the students were very upset.some of the books weren't colored-in yet!
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, Is that you I hear spitting in the vase on the mantle piece? No, said himself, but I am getting closer!
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!
How do we know that Christ was Irish? Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God!
Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question? asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt. Do we now? came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply!
An American lawyer asked, Paddy, why is it that whenever I ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question? Who told you that? asked Paddy!
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight among themselves, is because that way, they're always assured of having a worthy opponent!
First Irish Farmer: My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it. Second Irish Farmer: Did you shoot it in the hole? First Irish Farmer: No, in the head!
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, Not guilty. Oh my! shouted Reilly. Does that mean I get to keep the money?
O'Ryan, asked the druggist, did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife Bridget's appearance? It did surely, replied O'Ryan, but it keeps falling off!
How is it that we know Christ was Irish? Well, he was 33, still lived at home with his Mother, whom he thought was still a virgin and she thought he was the son of God!
Me Ma wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine? Here I hafta give up all hope of a sex life, then once a week ya gotta let people come in and tell you all about theirs!
Two Irishmen had just won $5000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters? Sean replies, we'll just keep sending them!
Incomprehensibly, the last coach of the train on a normal route kept getting smashed up by vandals. A porter came up with an idea. Why don't we leave the last coach off!
A small boy got lost at the FAI cup final game. He went up to a Guard and said: "I've lost my dad." "What's he like?" said the Guard sympathetically. "Beer and women," said the boy.
Two Irishmen are walking up a hill and they see a head roll by them. The first Irishman says "Wasn't that old Paddy O'Tool? The second Irishman says "I thought he was taller than that!"
Well, Mike, said the doctor. I can't quite diagnose your case. I think it must be the drink. Sure, that's all right, doctor, said Mike. I know how you feel. I'll come back when you're sober!
Seamus was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife, Hurry up or we'll be late. Oh, be quiet, replied his wife. Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?
Finnegin: Me wife has a terrible habit of staying up til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. Sean: What on earth is she doing at that time? Finnegin: Waiting for me to come home.
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. Quick! He said. Send an ambulance, me wife is about to have a baby! Is this her first baby? the intern asked. No ya idiot, this is her husband, Kevin
She followed her husband to the public house. How can you come here, she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, and drink that awful stuff? Now! he cried, And you always said I was out enjoying meself.
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. Did she say anything before she died? asked the sergeant. She spoke without interruption for about forty years, said Finnegan.
Paddy was walking through a graveyard when he came across a headstone with the inscription Here lies a politician and an honest man. Faith now, exclaimed Paddy, I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.
O'Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. Please, God, he implored, let it be blood!
An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says I don't think you can get in here. The IRA man says Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!
Two lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument. At last one lawyer lost his temper and shouted, Sir you are the biggest fool that I have set eyes on. Order, order, said the Irish judge. You seem to forget that I am in the room.
A young Irish boy said to his grandfather. "Make a frog noise for me Grandad." "No, son, I don't feel like making a frog noise right now" "Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise." "No, I don't want to." "Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise. "Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?" "Mom says when you croak we can have this house"
Old Man McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered Martini after Martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

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