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Holiday Jokes!

What is Santa's dog called? Santa Paws!
What do you call an old snowman? Water!
Where do snowmen go to dance? A snow ball!
What goes "Oh, oh, oh?" Santa walking backwards!
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted flakes!
What carol is heard in the dessert? Camel ye fathful!
Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho!
Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ho ho ho!
What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents? Silent Night!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitus!
What often falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt? Snow!
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!
Why is it always cold at Christmas? Because it's in Decemberrrr!
What's impossible to overtake at Christmas? The three wide men!
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite!
What do you call Santa Claus when he doesn't move? Santa Pause!
When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving? In the dictionary!
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters? They both drop needles!
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime? Sandy Claus!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a detective? Santa Clues!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic!
How do sheep greet each other at Christmas? A merry Christmas to ewe!
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? Deep and crisp and even!
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Can you smell carrot?
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic!
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem!
What goes ho-ho whoosh, ho-ho whoosh? Santa caught in a revolving door!
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? A pineapple!
What do you have in December that's not in any other month? The letter D!
How does a snowman lose weight? He waits for the weather to get warmer!
What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas? Sandy claws!
Why are turkeys wiser than chickens? Ever heard of Kentucky Fried Turkey?
What do you sing at a snowman's birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow!
What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when the fire is lit? Crisp Cringle!
What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum... you can't beat it!
Knock knock! Who's there? Snow. Snow who? Snow use, I've forgotten my name again!
What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar at Christmas? He got 12 months!
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A subordinate claus!
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite! A confused snowflake!
How many presents can Santa fit in an empty sack? Only one, after that it's not empty any more!
What kind of candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle? Neither, candles always burn shorter!
What goes: now you see me, now you don't, now you see me, now you don't? A snowman on a zebra crossing!
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas one has no L
After her 90th Birthday, Marie found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead. On each card she wrote, "Buy your own present," and she mailed them early. Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities. Only after Christmas did she get around to clearing off her cluttered desk. Under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift checks, which she had forgotten to enclose.
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy." in order to get in. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is let it. The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" To which he replies, "Oh, They're Carol's."
The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Phillip my bag with candy!
Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
What do you call an angry monster? Sir!
Where does Dracula water ski? Lake Erie.
What was the werewolf's first name? Harry
What's a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist!
Where does Dracula water ski? On Lake Erie!
What do Rednecks do for Halloween? Pump Kin!
Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body
What do little ghosts drink? Evaporated milk.
What do you use to erase a ghost? White-out!
What do little ghosts drink? Evaporated milk!
What do ghosts serve for dessert? Ice Scream!


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