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Friends Jokes!

A friend in need is? Someone to avoid!
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese.
John says to his friend, "My Mary and I, we are always holding hands." "Why do you do this?" asks his friend. "Because if I let go, she shops."
Friend: What are you looking at? Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee. Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it? Mr. Bean: Four asterisks!
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry? Mr. Bean: 16 Friend: Why? Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
"What shall we play today?" said Florence to her best friend Jenny. "Let's play schools," said Jenny. "OK!" said Florence. "But I'm going to be absent."
Look at the world around you, and you'll see God's creativity; Look at the dinner table, and you'll see God's providence; Look at the mirror, and you'll see God's sense of humor.
Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead. Friend: condolence, my friend. After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder. Friend: What now? Mr. Bean: My sister just called, her mom died too!
Two little old ladies are at a very long church service. After a while one says to the other: "My butt is asleep." Her friend responds: "Yes, I know. I've heard it snore three times already!"
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok? Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture. Friend: What tape did you took anyway? Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
Two friends were walking, when they saw two married women. First friend says, "My wife and my girl friend both are coming together." The second friend quickly says, "The same thing I was going to tell you".
Friend: "I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?" Woman: "Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair." Friend: "But your husband is still alive." Woman: "Yes, but his hair is gone."
A woman is complaining to her friend about her marriage. Her friend says, "Yeah, I understand, I guess there isn't anymore magic in your life." "Oh, no, there's still some magic! Every Saturday night he disappears!"
The two teenage girls were driving around town. One of the friends turned to the other and said, "So, what did your old man say when you told him you were pregnant?" "You want me to leave out the profanities?" "Yeah, sure."
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "Batted .007," his wife added.
Two friends met. "You look sad, Doug, what's the trouble?" asked the first friend. "Domestic trouble." "But you always bragged that your wife is a pearl." "She still is. It's the mother-of-pearl that makes all the trouble.'
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner."
A friend ~ "...So I went to see this acupuncturist." Mrs. Capp ~ "Really? What for?" The friend ~ "To help with my craving for cakes." Mrs. Capp ~ "Did it work?" The friend ~ "Absolutely -- she stuck needles in the cakes so I couldn't eat them."
A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged. "I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!" The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite. do you?!"
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend. "Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"
Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down." "My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin." "Why's that?" "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."
A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school. A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school. "Cartwheels," Gregory answered.
A man asked his friend, "At which time do you wake up from bed?" His friend replied, "When I first feel the rays of sun on my mouth coming through my window." The man say "I think it's very early, don't you think so." His friend replied, "No, because my window is on the west side."
Two friends walk into the whorehouse then half hour later they meet outside and one of them says to the other: "I wasted $50, I could have stayed home and done it with my wife cause my wife performs better. The second friend agrees: "you're right about that, your wife does perform better!"
"I'm telling you, Carol, I've never been happier, " Betty told her friend. "I have two boyfriends. One is just fabulous...handsome,sensitive, caring and considerate." What in the world do you need the second one for?" Carol asked?" "Oh," Betty replied, "the second one is straight."
"The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends," the Wendy told her friend Amy. "Now I know what to do with a lover, but what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?" Wise & experienced Amy smiled and said, "The same as with your lover, dearie, only not quite so often."
"Get this," said a guy to his friend, "last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house." "Did he get anything," his friend asked? "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk again."
"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next bar stool. "Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent. "Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!"
Once Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Green met during a New Year's party. After an hour talking and drinking Mrs. Smith told her friend, "They call my husband 'The Exorcist.'" With a great surprise Mrs. Green asked her, "Why?" She replied, "At every party we attend, he soon gets rid of all the spirits."
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How's that?" "It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
Two friends met in a Bar after work and one said to other, "Great Switzerland, great. You have given me the most happy and pleasant moments of my life." The second friend asked, "That is strange, you have never been to Switzerland." The first friend said, "Yes but my wife has gone to Switzerland now."
My friend's husband always teases her about her lack of interest in household chores. One day he came home with a gag gift, a refrigerator magnet that read: "Martha Stewart doesn't live here." The next day he came home to find the magnet holding up a slip of paper. The note read: "Neither does Bob Vila."
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
A young woman confides to a friend that she wants to quit smoking, but nothing she does seems to work. "Have you tried the patch?" her friend asks. "No, that's one thing I haven't tried," the woman says, "because I'm not sure it works." Says her friend, "I'm sure it would if you put it over your mouth."
A sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave. The sailor walked up to the man and asked, "when do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?" The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers."


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