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Confucius Jokes!

Confucius says..."When in doubt, take all the time you need to get all the facts, or all the time you have, whichever is less."
Confucius says..."It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right."
Confucius says..."There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it."
Confucius says..."There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs."
Confucius says..."If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane."
Confucius says..."The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent."
Confucius says..."When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you."
Confucius says..."There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword."
Confucius says..."Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being."
Confucius says..."We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and most enligthened when we are the most confused."
Confucius says..."There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one."
Confucius says..."Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy."
Confucius says..."When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum."
Confucius says..."Geologists do not dress for success unless they are trying to convince others that they are going on interviews."
Confucius says..."Things could be worse; suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player."
Confucius says..."When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're you're finished with, you will need it instantly."
Confucius says..."You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool mom."
Confucius says..."The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public."
Confucius says..."Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices."
Confucius says..."It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences; if you have none, someone will make one for you."
Confucius says..."If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you."
Confucius says..."The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting."
Confucius says..."There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device."
Confucius says..."An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job."
Confucius says..."The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet."
Confucius says..."When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight."
Confucius says..."A statement of absolute functional equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in fine."
Confucius says..."There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and should read "Abandon hope all ye who enter here"."
Confucius says..."The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions."
Confucius says..."He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up."
Confucius says..."If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon."
Confucius says..."Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it."
Confucius says..."It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty."
Confucius says..."In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and lies."
Confucius says..."The higher the "higher-ups" are who've come to see your demo, the lower your chances are of giving a successful one."
Confucius says..."One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. 
Confucius says..."An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place."
Confucius says..."Any pre-cut equipment is too short; this is specially true of optic fiber cables with expensive connectors at both ends."
Confucius says..."The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it."
Confucius says..."If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent."
Confucius says..."If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong."
Confucius says..."If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is."
Confucius says..."When lady say "no" she mean "perhaps", when she say "perhaps" she mean "yes" but when she say "yes", she not a lady."
Confucius says..."There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking."
Confucius says..."The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent."
Confucius says..."If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten."
Confucius says..."In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course."
Confucius says..."Love letters, business contracts, and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent."
Confucius says..."No matter the amount of care given the purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty expiration."
Confucius says..."To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen."
Confucius says..."If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration."
Confucius says..."You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes."
Confucius says..."The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)"
Confucius says..."If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization."
Confucius says..."You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time."
Confucius says..."Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof."
Confucius says..."I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated."
Confucius says..."Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts)."
Confucius says..."The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish."
Confucius says..."People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened."
Confucius says..."Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can."
Confucius says..."Always multiply a software schedule by pi. This is because you think you're going in a straight line but always end up going full circle."
Confucius says..."Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand."
Confucius says..."When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer, provided of course you know that there is a problem."
Confucius says..."If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live."
Confucius says..."Instruction booklets are lost by the Goods Delivery Service. If not, they are listed in four languages: Japanese, Thai, Swahili, and Mongol."
Confucius says..."When you are up to your butt in alligators, it is difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary objective was to drain the swamp."
Confucius says..."Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done."
Confucius says..."Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline)."
Confucius says..."When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"
Confucius says..."When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight."
Confucius says..."Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses."
Confucius says..."Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone is like having sex through a hole in a board fence. It can be done, but it is neither easy nor pleasant."
Confucius says..."Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end."
Confucius says..."A future product release date does not say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don't have a chance of seeing it before that time."
Confucius says..."If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops."
Confucius says..."It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you are in a hurry. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes."
Confucius says..."Anytime you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong. Second Law - How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on."
Confucius says..."It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than it is to speak and remove all doubt. Moral: think before you speak. Or engage the brain when engaging the mouth."
Confucius says..."When an organization faces a 20 year threat, it responds with 15-year programs, organized with 5-year plans, managed by 3-year directors, and funded by 1-year appropriations."
Confucius says..."Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job - it's the start of a brand new series of three."
Confucius says..."When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing done, there is another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done."
Confucius says..."The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing."
Confucius says..."The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course."
Confucious says..."Woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam."
Confucious says..."Man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts."
Confucious says..."Man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off."
Confucious says..."Boy who lay girl on hill, not on level."
Confucious says..."Man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!"
Confucious says..."He who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed."
Confucious says..."He who smoke pot, choke on handle."
Confucious says..."Woman who wear g-string, high on crack!"
Confucious says..."He who stand on toilet, high on pot!"
Confucious says..."Boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution on-hand!"
Confucious says..."Girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss!"
Confucious says..."Man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs!"
Confucious says..."Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money!"
Confucious says..."He who masturbate, screw only himself!"
Confucious says..."He who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!"
Confucious says..."Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs!"


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