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Confucius Jokes!

Confucius says..."It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account."
Confucius says..."Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan."
Confucius says..."Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead."
Confucius says..."A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish, but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts."
Confucius says..."By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to work twelve hours a day."
Confucius says..."If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what the hell is going on."
Confucius says..."When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt."
Confucius says..."Kids are like Legos, lot of fun to make, but sooner or later, only end up messing up house."
Confucius says..."It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to be failures."
Confucius says..."If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem."
Confucius says..."The trouble with doing right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was!"
Confucius says..."The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're out of a job."
Confucius says..."Anything that begins well will end badly. (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)"
Confucius says..."The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building."
Confucius says..."Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence."
Confucius says..."The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet."
Confucius says..."The moment for calm and rational discussion is past; now is the time for senseless bickering."
Confucius says..."The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
Confucius says..."Always draw your curves, then plot the reading. 4) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing."
Confucius says..."If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person; they will find an easier way to do it."
Confucius says..."The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed."
Confucius says..."Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do."
Confucius says..."There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot."
Confucius says...'Man who put head on Railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache."
Confucius says..."Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always chosen intelligently."
Confucius says..."He who beats his sword into a plowshare usually ends up plowing for those who kept their swords."
Confucius says..."To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent."
Confucius says..."You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away."
Confucius says..."In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there."
Confucius says..." He who blows his own horn always plays the music several octaves higher than originally written."
Confucius says..."Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time."
Confucius says..."The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event."
Confucius says..."Only someone who understands something absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it."
Confucius says..."When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe."
Confucius says..."You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something."
Confucius says..."On a beautiful day like this, it's hard to believe anybody can be unhappy; but we will work on it."
Confucius says..."As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a life-or-death situation, the power fails."
Confucius says..."We don't have the time or money to do it right, but we'll have time and money to do it over again."
Confucius says..."Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't matter, calories do."
Confucius says..."If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior."
Confucius says..."It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up."
Confucius says..."If everyone believed in Peace, they would immediately begin fighting over the best way to achieve it."
Confucius says..."There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance."
Confucius says..."Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress."
How do Chinese parents decide on a name for their newborn? Throw a quarter in the garbage disposal. Ching Chong Chin Chang!
Confucius says..."Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today."
Confucius says..."The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm."
Confucius says..."If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either."
Confucius says..."The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way."
Confucius says..."If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added."
Confucius says..."The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don't have to explain why."
Confucius says..."A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done several hours of work without performing a backup."
Confucius says..."If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life."
Confucius says..."If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you."
Confucius says..."Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "get lost" in such a way that they look forward to the trip."
Confucius says..."Bare feet magnetise sharp metal objects so they always point upwars from the floor-especially in the dark."
Confucius says..."If you want to be well liked, never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others."

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