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Confucius Jokes!

Confucius says..."The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn."
Confucius says..."Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less."
Confucius says..."If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper."
Confucius says..."The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys."
Confucius says..."If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed."
Confucius says..."Blessed are those who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels."
Confucius says..."We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators."
Confucius says..."Need for project modifications increases proportionally to project completion."
Confucius says..."Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel."
Confucius says..."Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else."
Confucius says..."It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything."
Confucius says..."The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability."
Confucius says..."If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up."
Confucius says..."He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing."
Confucius says..."Being a good communicator means people find out what is really wrong with you."
Confucius says..."In any household, junk accumulates to the the space available for its storage."
Confucius says..."It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense."
Confucius says..."According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless."
Confucius says..."Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle."
Confucius says..."Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations."
Confucius says..."No matter which direction you start, it's always against the wind coming back."
Confucius says..."For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of trash."
Confucius says..."It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's nervous!"
Confucius says..."As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence."
Confucius says..."Anything that is designed to do more than one thing cannot do any of them well."
Confucius says..."Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got."
Confucius says..."If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will."
Confucius says..."You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter."
Confucius says..."Easiest way to figure the cost of living: take your income and add ten percent."
Confucius says..."Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence."
Confucius says..."Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center."
Confucius says..."The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from."
Confucius says..."It is important to keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out."
Confucius says..."Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it."
Confucius says..."If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes."
Confucius says..."Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price."
Confucius says..."Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else."
Confucius says..."When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible."
Confucius says..."He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit."
Confucius says..."The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made."
Confucius says..."The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement."
Confucius says..."In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion."
Confucius says..."Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will attempt to use it."
Confucius says..."Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can."
Confucius says..."There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday."
Confucius says..."Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who cannot teach, administrate."
Confucius says..."In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of his incompetence."
Confucius says..."It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl."
Confucius says..."When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly."
Confucius says..."No experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example."
Confucius says..."Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you find a large enough rock."
Confucius says..."The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with sloppy analysis."
Confucius says..."If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation."
Confucius says..."The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread."
Confucius says..."Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be disappointed."
Confucius says..."The fastest way to get something done is to determine that it isn't worth doing."
Confucius says..."Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk."


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