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Christmas Jokes!

It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one. In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, "Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No, madam," he replied, "they're all dead."
Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)* *Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible. When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was. I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo."
It was just before Christmas and the magistrate was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, "What are you charged with?" The prisoner replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early." "That's no crime," said the magistrate. "Just how early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the shop opened," answered the prisoner.
Darren remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Hamleys one Christmas Eve. Dad said, "What a marvellous train set. I'll buy it." The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, "Great, I'm sure your son will really love it." Dad replied with a glint in his eye, "Maybe you're right. In that case I'll take two."
One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. "Look at that," remarked Peter to Joe, "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
After her 90th Birthday, Marie found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead. On each card she wrote, "Buy your own present," and she mailed them early. Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities. Only after Christmas did she get around to clearing off her cluttered desk. Under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift checks, which she had forgotten to enclose.
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. Christmas Santa The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!' Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.' Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?' He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'
Signs You Bought a Lousy Tree 8. Two feet tall, forty feet wide. 7. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?" 6. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers. 5. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride. 4. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it. 3. It's very small and says "air freshener" on it. 2. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours. 1. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size."
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" Answer... "They're Carol's."
Signs You're Sick of the Holidays: 8. You've got red and green bags under your eyes 7. You're serving reindeer pot pie 6. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!" 5. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun 4. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you. 3. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies 2. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears 1. Two words: tinsel rash
8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!" 7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes. 6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling. 5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing. 4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed. 3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list. 2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown." 1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30. "Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap." So the clerk handed him a mirror.
The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?" "Something for my mother, please," replied Emily sweetly. "Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do would you like me to bring her?" Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, "A son-in-law."
The Australian Christmas: Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Sweating his fat away, Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Water-skis on his sleigh. Never have a white Christmas, When you in Melbourne live, Wearing hot pants on the beach, When you your presents give. Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Sweating his fat away, Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Water-skis on his sleigh. Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk, Castles in the sand, Eating ice-cream, having good talks, Warm Christmas, isn't that grand?
On the Sunday before Christmas Reverend Billy Graham was walking down Highland street in Mt Holly, North Carolina on his way to see a parishioner. However, he wanted to post a parcel urgently so he asked a young boy where he could find the post office. When the boy had directed him, Reverend Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven." The boy replied, "I think I'll give your sermon a miss. If you don't even know your way to the post office, how will you lead me to heaven?"
Department Store Santa Peeves: 8. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin. 7. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it. 6. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch" 5. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask 4. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School 3. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes 2. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam 1. Two words: lap rash

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