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Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie. "As a reward I shall grant you one wish." "Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked. The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?" The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?" The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have a look at that dog again."
Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies -It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. -A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. -If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. -Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. -It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. -When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. -No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. -Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. -When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. -You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. -Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. -An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child. -Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
Lisa Marie's Divorce Allegations Against Michael Jackson Wouldn't drink beer, watch football and break wind with her during Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland. Refused her pleas for separate make-up mirrors. Unwilling to try new things in bed...like her for instance. Elephant Man bones...fine. Oxygen chamber for eternal youth...well okay. But what's with the Groucho head on Jayne Mansfield's body thing? In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma. Had her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995) done over. She was shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms were not actually part of any real military organization. He started hanging out with Madonna's dancers to toughen up his image. Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor's supporting you through some sordid allegation. Stood in the way of her film career when he refused to bankroll her debut performance in 'Jailbait Rock', the story of her Mom and Dad's courtship. The all-night Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his little friends left him too tired to do that 'hee-hee-hee' thing she fell in love with. She felt pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of LaToya's Amway products for the sake of family peace. Jermaine and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis didn't have kids THEY could marry. Swears she thought she was marrying Michael Keaton. She grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese's within a 50 mile radius only to find him slumped over a table in yet another chocolate milk and Pez stupor. He told her to "just beat it" one too many times. He's a plain spoken "Hoosier", and she had clearly gone "Hollywood". She wanted someone more like her father, and though he was already a pathetic parody of his former self, he was just unwilling to gain weight. He kept forgetting to put the top back on the mascara. Irreconcilable similarities.
Lisa Marie's Divorce Allegations Against Michael Jackson: Wouldn't drink beer, watch football and break wind with her during Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland. Refused her pleas for separate make-up mirrors. Unwilling to try new things in bed...like her for instance. Elephant Man bones...fine. Oxygen chamber for eternal youth...well okay. But what's with the Groucho head on Jayne Mansfield's body thing? In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma. Had her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995) done over. She was shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms were not actually part of any real military organization. He started hanging out with Madonna's dancers to toughen up his image. Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor's supporting you through some sordid allegation. Stood in the way of her film career when he refused to bankroll her debut performance in 'Jailbait Rock', the story of her Mom and Dad's courtship. The all-night Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his little friends left him too tired to do that 'hee-hee-hee' thing she fell in love with. She felt pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of LaToya's Amway products for the sake of family peace. Jermaine and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis didn't have kids THEY could marry. Swears she thought she was marrying Michael Keaton. She grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese's within a 50 mile radius only to find him slumped over a table in yet another chocolate milk and Pez stupor. He told her to "just beat it" one too many times. He's a plain spoken "Hoosier", and she had clearly gone "Hollywood". She wanted someone more like her father, and though he was already a pathetic parody of his former self, he was just unwilling to gain weight. He kept forgetting to put the top back on the mascara. Irreconcilable similarities.
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God says, "That was the screen saver."
Bill Cosby: I have decided to become a write-in candidate for president. Here is my platform in the year 2012: (1) Any use of the phrase: 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait outside of our borders until you can. (2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist attitude in order to straighten out the greedy big business posture in this country. America will allow NO imports, and we'll do no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart 's policy, "If we ain't got it, you don't need it." "We'll make it here and sell it here!" (3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it coming in here. (4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of the many observation towers located on the southern border of the United States (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens. (5) Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. Neither the President nor any other politician will be able to touch it. (6) Welfare Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the 40 hour school week, the successful completion of a urinalysis test for drugs, and passing grades. (7) Professional Athletes -- Steroids? The FIRST time you check positive you're banned from sports ... for life. (8) Crime -- We will adopt the Turkish method, i.e., the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more 'life sentences'. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for the victim you killed: gun, knife, strangulation, etc. (9) One export of ours will be allowed: wheat; because the world needs to eat. However, a bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil. (10) All foreign aid, using American taxpayer money, will immediately cease and the saved money will help to pay off the national debt and, ultimately, lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask The American People if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision as to whether, or not, it's a worthy cause. (11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress. (12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc. My apology is offered if I've stepped on anyone's toes .... nevertheless.....GOD BLESS AMERICA! Sincerely, Bill Cosby.

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