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Celebrity Jokes!

How does Paris Hilton kill a fish? She drowns it!
How does Paris Hilton kill a worm? She buries it!
What is long and hard for Paris Hilton? 4th Grade!
What is Paris Hilton's favorite rock group? Air Supply!
What does XXX stand for? Paris Hilton co-signing a note!
What is Paris Hilton's idea of safe sex? A padded dash!
How do you change Paris Hilton's mind? Blow in her ear!
What does Paris Hilton make best for dinner? Reservations!
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Paris Hilton!
How did Paris Hilton die drinking milk? The cow fell on her!
Why does Paris Hilton drive a BMW? Because she can spell it!
Why did Paris Hilton return her new scarf? It was too tight!
What's Paris Hilton's mating call? 'I think I'm drunk!'
What is foreplay for Paris Hilton? Thirty minutes of begging!
How do you change Paris Hilton's mind? Buy her another beer!
Why won't Paris Hilton use vibrators? They chip their teeth!
Why does Paris Hilton drive cars with sunroofs? More leg room!
Why did Paris Hilton sit on a newspaper? So she could lip read!
How does Paris Hilton like her eggs in the morning? Fertilized!
What does Paris Hilton do for foreplay? Remove their underwear!
What do you call a zit on a Paris Hilton's ass? A brain tumor!
What's Paris Hilton's idea of safe sex? Locking the car door!
What is Paris Hilton's favorite nursery rhyme? Hump-me Dump-me!
What do you call Paris Hilton behind a steering wheel? An airbag!
Why does't Paris Hilton eat bananas? She can't find the zipper!
Why does Paris Hilton have TGIF on their shoes? Tits Go In Front!
Why does Paris Hilton wear green lipstick? Because red means stop!
What is the worst thing about sex with Paris Hilton? Bucket seats!
What do you call Paris Hilton lying on the ground? An air mattress!
Why did Paris Hilton drive into the ditch? To turn the blinker off!
How is Paris Hilton like a door knob? Because everybody gets a turn!
How does Paris Hilton high-five? She smacks herself on the forehead!
What would Paris Hilton use for protection during sex? A bus shelter!
Jay Leno: According to a new poll, 72 percent of pet owners buy their pets a Christmas present. In fact, in Las Vegas, Siegfried gave his cats a chew toy....Roy.
Comedians' Best Lines: "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David Letterman
What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme? Little Boy Blew. What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy? "The way you make me feel, it really turns me on!"
Comedians' Best Lines: "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner!"
The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest!
Comedians' Best Lines: "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" --Rita Rudner
Ellen Degeneres: You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is!
Comedians' Best Lines: "A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad!" --Christopher Case
Jay Leno: According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog!
Comedians' Best Lines: "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien
Ellen Degeneres: The sixties were when hallucinogentic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun!
What's the difference between a plastic grocery bag and Michael Jackson? A: Well, one's an artificial piece of trash that can harm little children, and the other is used to hold groceries!
Ellen Degeneres: Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow!
Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together? A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the three-year-olds!
Comedians' Best Lines: "I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum
Ellen Degeneres: I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her!
Jay Leno: Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn't know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom!
Jay Leno: McDonalds announced it's considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn't it?
Ellen Degeneres: I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves!
Comedians' Best Lines: "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son. Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have sex?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!"
Comedians' Best Lines: "My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

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