General Jokes!
Things to do in the bathroom stall...Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"A patient says: "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: "Could you please pass the butter." But instead I said: "You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life!"
A woman goes into a cafe with a duck. She puts the duck on a stool and sits next to it. The waiter comes over and says: "Hey! That's the ugliest pig that I have ever seen." The woman says: "It's a duck, not a pig." And the Waiter says: "I was talking to the duck."
Things to do in the bathroom stall...When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
One day a woman asked her daughter to go get some jellyrolls. The girl went to the bakery and ordered all of the jellyrolls that the bakery had. Then she stuffed them all in her mouth and swallowed. When she got home her mom asked where the jellyrolls were. The girl lifts up her shirt and says here, these are the jelly rolls.
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Answering Service At The Mental Institute: "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line. If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements. The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the presidents office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted. She repeated her request to open an account. The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?" "Not at all," was her reply. "I bet." "You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos?" "Nothing like that," she said. "I just ... bet. For example, I'll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left. As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home early. The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his. The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved. The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake. He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities. As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, "What's the matter with him?" She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before 10 A.M. today I'd have the president of the bank by the balls."
This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account" To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!" "I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
The other day, my friends and I went to this "Strip Club." One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulled out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and stuck it on her butt. Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.
According to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. Judy, the first blonde, plans the robbery and goes over the plan with Buffie, the second blonde, in great detail. The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?" "Perfectly," said Buffie. Buffie goes into the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One minute passes... two minutes pass... seven minutes pass... and Judy is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again and the security guard comes out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his gun. As the gals are getting away, Judy says, "You are such a bird brain! I thought you understood the plan!" Buffie said, "I did... I did exactly what you said!" "No, you idiot," said Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!!"
After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?" "Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded. "Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman, and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court." "We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict, and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?" The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?
The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter. One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards. "Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This is a stick-up, not an office party!"
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain." -- Mark Twain
Bank Accounts: without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
Q. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? A. He knows firsthand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Golddigger: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?" "Take jewlery to city and sell it," was the response. "What have you got for collateral?" "Don't know collateral." "Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?" "Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup." The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?" "Yes, I have a horse." "How old is it?" "Don't know, has no teeth." Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "I'm here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off. "What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" "Put in teepee." "Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked. "Don't know deposit." "You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it." The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
Standing in line at a bank, I couldn't help but wonder if the fellow I overheard requesting a loan had any luck. His request for a loan was to "tied me over until my credit cards are no longer maxed out."
Bank President to employees: "And when Mr. Bigget's son begins work here tomorrow, he'll have no special privileges or authority. I want you to treat him as you would anyone who was due to take over full ownership of this bank from his Father in a year or two."
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
Fashion Police: Donald Andrews, dubbed "the lipstick bandit" for robbing Detroit banks in drag, was sentenced to three years in prison. "He was found guilty of bank robbery, carrying a concealed weapon and wearing shoes that didn't match his purse."
A rather frugal man asked the bank for a loan of one dollar and was told he would have to pay nine percent interest at the end of the year. For security he offered $60,000. in U.S. bonds. The banker, foreseeing a potential depositor, accepted the bonds and gave the man a dollar. At the end of the year, he was back with a dollar and nine cents to clear up his debt and asked for the return of his bonds. Upon returning the bonds the banker asked, "I don't want to be inquisitive, but since you have all those bonds, why did you have to borrow a dollar?" "Well," said the tightfisted old gent, "I really didn't have to. But do you know of any other way I could get the use of a safe-deposit box for nine cents a year?"
A guy drives into town in an expensive car and goes to a bank. He asks for a loan of $1000 as he is in town for a week and forgot any cash and doesn't have an ATM card. The bank says "OK, but you have to park your Porsche here as collateral". He does so, and at the end of the week he hands back the $1000 plus interest of $4 for a short term loan plus processing. Curious, the banker asks why he didn't just get a wire transfer, and the man replies "Where else could I park my car for $4 for a week?"
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price!
Signs of a bad day: Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George!
What did one lesbian frog say to the other? 'You know, we do taste like chicken!"
Confucius says,"Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly!"
What's the difference between your job and your girlfriend? Your job always sucks!
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag!
You might be a redneck if: Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People!"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others!
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some lubricant!
What do you call 2 guys with no arms or legs in front of your window? Curt n' Rod!
Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
What do you instantly know about a well dress man? His wife picked out his clothes.
You might be a redneck if: On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat!
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it!
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese!
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live!
You might be a redneck if: Last year you hid yer kids' Easter eggs under cow pies!
Live every day as if it were your last because eventually, one day you'll be right!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel!
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there!
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly!
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
How does a blonde commit suicide? She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because it was the chicken hadn't evolved yet.
Did you hear about the robbery last night? Two clothes pins held up a pair of pants!
I know carrots are good for the eyes, but it nearly makes me blind sticking them in!
You might be a redneck if: you're home schooled and you date someone in your class!
Why couldn't the blonde write the number 11? She didn't know which one came first.
What is blue and flies around the room at high speeds? A baby with a punctured lung.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take crap from anybody!
Understanding Women: 'Am I a little fat' really means, 'Tell me I am beautiful.'
I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again!
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help!
Chuck Norris writes half of the jokes on this site, he likes his fans to be informed!
Why was the blonde fired from the banana plantation? She threw out all the bent ones.
What do people do with broken down cars in West Virginia? Build a house next to them!
What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up? Vomit!
How do you know if a Pole has been using a computer? There's whiteout on the screen.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America!
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place!
What did one gay sperm say to another? 'How do we find an egg in all of this crap?'
What do you get when cross a godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand!
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
Knock Knock! Who's there? Police. Police who? Police let us in; it's cold out here.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly!
What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls? A baby with forks in its eyes.
Something you will never hear a Redneck say: She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
What is a sorority girl's mating call? 'I'm sooooooo drunk, I'm sooooooo drunk.'
Chuck Norris isn't lactose intolerant. He just doesn't put up with lactose's crap!
How do you know when you are in a real lesbian bar? Not even the pool table has balls!
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants!
How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone? Both may look out their windows and see Rubble!
What do you get when you put 32 people from Kentucky in one room? A full set of teeth!
Did you hear about the Amish flu? First you get a little hoarse, then you get a buggy.
How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
Things to do in the bathroom stall...Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters!
Why do ghouls and demons hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? It changes your blood type.
Why do babies have a soft spot in their heads? So you can pick them up five at a time.
An adolescent is someone who acts like a baby when they're not treated like an adult!
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
When Chuck Norris does push ups he doesn't push himself up. He pushes the world down.
What does it mean when you see a bunch of blacks running in one direction? Jail break!
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
What does a white man say when he catches his wife cheating on him? 'I forgive you'.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
You know your Amish child is losing it when: He sometimes stays in bed until after 5am!
Something you will never hear a Redneck say: Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight!
There are no bombs, Chuck Norris just jumps out of a helicopter and punches the ground!
Things to do in the bathroom stall...Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
Ebonics 101: I saw this dude running from the cops, but he hopped defense and got away!
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
The thing that impresses me most about America is how well parents obey their children!
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it!
And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with!