General Jokes!If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? Answer: It might be your bicycle.
How is the bad economy affecting the Super Bowl? Instead of a coin toss they are now going to play rock, paper, scissors!
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
Things to do in the bathroom stall...Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
The economy is so bad I went to my bank the other day and the teller handed me a note saying, "This is a robbery!"
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Montgomery, Alabama burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park!
Why is it a bad sign that our camp in Guantanamo Bay is closing? The economy is so bad now that even the terrorists are losing their homes!
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes, whack, dang it! a bad skydiver goes, dang it, whack!
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
Things to do in the bathroom stall...Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Patient: What's the good news? Doctor: The good news is they are naming a disease after you!
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
I had a fortune cookie. Inside was the guy next to me's check. I said, "Hey buddy I got your check." He said, "Thanks!"
A French fry walks into the bar and says, "Could I get a beer, please?" Bartender says, "No, we don't serve food here."
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix? It caused you have a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway!
"Life is all about ass. You're either covering it,laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it or trying to get a piece of it."
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you!
A farmer tells his son, 'You idiot! You're milking the bull!' And the son replies, 'Oh really? Well my bucket's full!'
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OWWW!" when a bullet is fired.
A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
The economy is so bad mothers in Ethiopia are telling their children, "Finish your meal! Don't you know there are starving children in the US?"
If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what are the Tennessee Titans?
Things to do in the bathroom stall...Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients? To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
Why fishing is better than making love: When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad!
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
Things to do in the bathroom stall...Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with our money!
A man calls his doctor amd tells him that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it. The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."
Things to do in the bathroom stall...Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
Things to do in the bathroom stall...Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
What is the one thing that unites all Americans, regardless of gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background? Deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers"
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard grad: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "Okay - where are you from, jackass?"
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
A gang-member was holding his 8 month old baby while his wife was in kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother". The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"
Manager, interviewing a job applicant: "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage." Job Applicant: "Well Sir, the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing!"
A woman is complaining to her friend about her marriage. Her friend says, "Yeah, I understand, I guess there isn't anymore magic in your life." "Oh, no, there's still some magic! Every Saturday night he disappears!"
Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, a young girl said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor animal suffered so you could have that?" Her mother shot her an angry look, "How dare you talk about your father like that?"
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "Batted .007," his wife added.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." "That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."
Redneck Engineering Exam: A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
A man walks into a bar. There's a beautiful woman sitting at the bar, and they sit and have a drink together. She leans over and says, "I need you to make me feel like a real woman." So the guy takes off his jacket and says, "I need this ironed."
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober!"
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family waiting for the news, "We had twins!" The family was so excited, they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?" The father paused, smiled and said, "Each other."
Wife: I have some good news and some bad news. Husband: What's the good news? Wife: The good news is I found a picture that's worth $500,000. Husband: Wow! That's wonderful! What's the bad news? Wife: The bad news is that the picture is of you and your secretary!
The math teacher posed this problem, "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One fifth is to go to his wife, one fifth is to go to his son, one sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" The savvy student answered, "A lawyer!"
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?" One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
Heaven is where: The police are British. The chef is Italian. The mechanics are German. The lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where: The police are German. The chefs are British. The mechanics are French. The lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians!
Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too. "A lot of men are going be totally miserable when I marry," she told him. "Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner."
A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right."
Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news. Client: Well, give me the bad news first. Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene. Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news? Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
Little Johnny came home one night rather depressed. "What's the matter." asked his mother. "Aw, gee," said Little Johnny, "it's my grades. They're all wet." "What do you mean 'all wet?'" asked his mother. "You know," he replied, "below C-level."
"I'm telling you, Carol, I've never been happier," Betty told her friend. "I have two boyfriends. One is just fabulous...handsome, sensitive, caring and considerate." "What in the world do you need the second one for?" Carol asked. "Oh," Betty replied, "the second one is straight."
A guy is talking to a girl in a bar. "What's your name?" he asks. "Carmen," she says. "I had my name changed from 'Mary Lou' to 'Carmen' because I love cars and I love men." "Cool," he answers. "What's your name?" she asks him. He thinks for a second. "Beersex."
Gallery Owner: I have some good news and some bad news. Artist: What's the good news? Gallery Owner: The good news is that a man came in here today asking if the price of your paintings would go up after you die. When I told him they would he bought every one of your paintings. Artist: That's great! What's the bad news? Gallery Owner: The bad news is that man was your doctor!
Francis and Isabella were having their usual battle of the sexes. "Italian men are all stupid," screamed Isabella "Oh, yeah?" yelled her husband. "I'll have you know it was an Italian man who invented the toilet seat!" "And I'll have you know," said his wife, "it was an Italian woman who thought of putting a hole in it!"
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
A guy walks into a bar and shouts, "When I drink, everybody drinks!" Everybody is cheering him and applauding like crazy. Feeling great, he finishes his beer, asks for another one and shouts, "When I drink again, everybody drinks again!" Once again, everybody is cheering him, he is the hero of the bar. When he is done drinking, he pulls out his wallet and shouts, "When I pay, everybody pays!"
A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
The head of a small industrial company posted DO IT NOW signs all around his office and plant in hopes of getting better results from his workers. Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said, "It worked too well: the bookkeeper skipped with $20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen asked for raises; and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike."
A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop. After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little. The gentleman said, "Stop or slow down, what's the difference?" The cop pulled the guy out of the car and worked him over for about a minute and then said, "Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?"
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The redneck is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chain saw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took all damn day!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the puzzled redneck says, "Heck, what's that noise?"
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."
Bob was such a womanizer. Everywhere he went, he was always hitting on women. True to his form, he was at a department store one afternoon and was attracted to one of the saleswomen and proceeded to see if she would go out with him that evening. She snapped at him, "I know your type. You think you can take me for drinks, and then try to get me back to your apartment, and then get me in to your bed. I can read you like a book." Bob just smiled and said, "Well then, don't miss Chapter 5, it's a doozie."
An Amish boy and his parents were visiting a mall. While the mother looked for cotton fabric for a new apron, the father and son stood around, amazed by almost everything they saw. They were especially amazed by two, shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is that, father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is." "Could it be a time machine?" asked the boy. "I heard about this movie picture show where people leave the earth in shiny vehicles." "Praise the Lord", said the father. "There sure are miraculous things in the city." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled
Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008: A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. Thought you'd like to know.
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm pretty smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said, 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King.." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said, 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy.." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "Now who said that!?" Johnny: "Tiger Woods. Can I go now?" between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."