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General Jokes!

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability!
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
You can tell you've drunk too much coffee when the only time your standing still is during an earthquake!
Child: Mommy, am I descended from a monkey? Mother: I don't know dear, I never met your father's family!
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other!
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year.
Did you hear that Louise Woodward has joined the Spice Girls? The first thing she did was drop Baby Spice.
Why did Maria Shriver marry Arnold Schwarzenegger? Because they are trying to breed bullet-proof Kennedys.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
Chuck Norris: 'Few problems cannot be solved by a roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, I know of none!'
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip!
Understanding Women: 'Was that a baby?' really means, 'Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby!'
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis!
I put contacts, with little pictures of cats on them, in my dog's eyes. Take 1 out and he runs in circles!
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't flirt, goes to bed early, in short...does not exist!
When someone says, A penny for your thoughts, & you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Redneck Driver's Manual: Remove the Marlboro from your mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss off!
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her!
A girl says to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
Redneck Driver's Manual: When taking shortcut off-road, be careful not to hit anyone who might be walking!
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?"
Understanding Women: 'I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!' really means, 'I'm on my period'
What's the dirtiest thing ever said on TV? "Ward, weren't you a little rough on the beaver last night?"
If you ever catch on fire, avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic!
How did the Speaker of the House introduce Gerald R. Ford? And now, here's the latest dope from Washington.
A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon. Slides up to the bar and says: I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!
Things to do in the bathroom stall...Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to want to change!
The third grade teacher says little Bubba could be a mathematical genius because he's got thirteen fingers!
You have to stay in shape. Mom started walking five miles a day 10 yrs ago and we have no idea where she is!
According to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in the face, YESTERDAY!!
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
In exams, why does it say 'Write in your own words'? Surely you can't just go and make up your own words?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car? He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.
Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? You only have to teach them to take off!
What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven? A microwave stops when you open the door!
What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Why do women stop bleeding when entering menopause? Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins.
Chuck Norris is so manly, he once got a woman pregnant and 7 months later she gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
What do tornadoes, hurricanes and redneck divorces have in common? Someone's fixin' to lose a trailer home!
What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball? A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
Understanding Women: 'It's your decision' really means, 'The correct decision should be obvious by now.'
Understanding Women: 'I'm not yelling' really means, 'Yes I am yelling because I think it is important!'
Signs of a bad day: You wake up with your mouth guard stuck, and then remember you don't wear a mouth guard!
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak!
If you crossed a philosopher with a member of the Mafia, would he make you an offer you couldn't understand?
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them!
When your wife is giving birth, and the midwife didn't turn up on time, would you call that a midwife crisis?
What's the difference between John Denver and the stock market? People would cry if the stock market crashed.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
Things to do in the bathroom stall...Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? 7. 1 to make the dough and 6 to peel the M&M's!
Redneck Driver's Manual: Cattle horns on UR car hood look like gun sights when possums are crossing the road!
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long.
When someone says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs!
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums!
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face!
3 Chimps escaped from zoo: 1 caught watching TV. 1 playing football. The 3rd one was caught reading this joke!
Chuck Norris eats tiger hearts every morning for strength, power, and wisdom. He eats men's hearts for sport.
If Microsoft were Jewish: Internet Explorer would have a spinning 'Star of David' in the upper right corner.
Last week I told my shrink, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance!
2 cannibals sat by the fire. 1 said 'I really hate my mother-in-law' The other replied, 'Try the potatoes!"
Why are hurricanes named after women? They're wet and wild when they come and take your house when they leave.
Chuck Norris is 10ft tall, weighs 2 tons, breathes fire, could eat a hammer and takes a shotgun blast standing!
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you!
Why are ambulances better than women? I have never had to wait longer than 30 minutes for an ambulance to come.
What does a dead baby and a jar of ketchup have in common? If you squeeze them hard enough red stuff comes out.
If two people who have call waiting on their phones both called each other at the same time, what would happen?
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

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