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General Jokes!

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Why is it that when we're driving and looking for an address, we turn the volume on the radio down?
What do you say when you see a white man carrying a TV? 'Excuse me sir, you dropped your receipt!'
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together!
You might be a redneck if: your wife wears a dress on Sunday and one of your flannel shirts over it!
You might be a redneck if: The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction!
I made a toast to my wife on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me!
Do people demand freedom of speech just to make up for the freedom of thought which they don't have?
The universe was created when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a star in the face for being too bright!
You might be a redneck if: Anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back!
You might be a redneck if: More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general!
Once I was kidnapped. They sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof!
If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a toolbox, what does a mohel carry? A Bris-kit!
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one of them can be the designated driver!
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night!
Ebonics 101: I went to the store to buy some food, I was short on cash, my man said gimme one mobile.
What's the difference between Iran and an armpit? One can of deodorant will take care of the armpit.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
What is the difference between a dead baby and an onion. You don't cry when you chop up a dead baby.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and moaning!
What did JFK Jr. say when he reached the Pearly Gates? I hope I don't have to take an entrance exam!
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
Question: If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Couple's in the living room. He says, "You're dry tonight." She says, "You're licking the rug."
A child is growing up when he stops asking where he came from and stops telling you where he's going!
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters; if by 'knit' you mean kick and by 'sweaters' you mean babies!
If a man is stands in the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
What's the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of baby guts? You can't gargle gravel.
If Superman could stop bullets with his chest, why did he always duck when someone threw a gun at him?
You might be a redneck if: you've ever returned bottles so you could buy beer with the deposit money!
Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? On the back she saw '911' & thought it was a Porsche.
Why did Alpo hire Lome Greene to do commercials? They found him lying in his office licking his balls.
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of your nose!
My wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, I donate money to the topless!
Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum." Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."
Understanding Women: 'You have to learn to communicate' really means, 'Just agree with me already!'
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle!
Any time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place!
What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common? They both get loaded from the rear & go whoo-whoo!
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
How do you break up the 'Million Man March'? Fly overhead with helicopters and drop job applications.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast!
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. If I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year!
How do you piss off a female archeologist? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from!
A man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. A woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 / min!
Chuck Norris does not use a spell checker. If he misspells a word, Oxford changes the approved spelling!
Marriage means that someone helps you cope with all the problems you never had when you were a bachelor!
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
Understanding Women: 'Do you like this recipe?' really means, 'It's easy to fix so get used to it.'
How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk!
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire!
Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog!"
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
You might be a redneck if your wife can out drink you or any of your friends and is willing to prove it!
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
Does the fact that intelligent life from another planet has never contacted us prove that it does exist?
You might be a redneck if: For your first date you had to ask your dad to borrow the keys to the tractor!
You might be a redneck if: you've ever put a tarp in the bed of your truck to use it as a swimming pool!
How many gays does it take 2 screw in a light bulb? 1, as long as there's plenty of oil & he's careful.
What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? 'It's ok Daddy, I'm not hurt!'
What does a black person have in common with a soda machine? They don't work and always take your money!
Blow in a dog's face & he gets mad at you, but when he rides in a car he sticks his head out the window!
America is a melting pot: All of the people at the bottom get burned while all the scum rises to the top!
If there was too much comedy on television, would there be a sudden outbreak of happiness on the streets?
Did you hear about the blind man who went sky diving? He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog!
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
What's the diff btw a gay rodeo & a straight one? At a straight rodeo every1 yells, 'Ride that sucker'.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time!

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