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General Jokes!

Why is it twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? You only have to teach them to take off!
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel!
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
If you drive past a road sign that has been knocked over, do you still have to do what it says?
Why are black people so good at basketball? Because all you have to do is run, shoot and steal!
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A stegosaurus on roller skates!
If LSD were advertised on TV, would the slogan be 'LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand'?
Chuck Norris's dog picks up its own crap because Chuck Norris doesn't take crap from anybody!
Why didn't the wedding guests at Hyannisport want JFK Jr. to show up? He was a complete wreck.
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common? They're both kinda cute, but neither one can fly!
Did you hear about the skeleton that walked into the cafe? He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop!
What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German? A man who's too drunk to follow orders!
Why do black people have white hands? They were up against the wall when God spray painted them!
Did you hear about the new 'morning after' pill for men? It works by changing your blood type!
You know your Amish child is losing it when: his name is Jebediah, but he goes by 'jeb daddy'!
What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? 'Would you like fries with that?'
How do you confuse an Irish laborer? Give him a shovel and a fork and tell him to take his pick.
You know you've drunk too much when the back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat!
I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I saw a sign that said "compact cars"!
What did the blonde say to the physicist? I just love nuclear fission; what do you use for bait?
What's the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine? A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Redneck Driver's Manual: Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving!
Redneck Driver's Manual: Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in!
Ebonics 101: The judge said, 'One more outburst like that, you'll be thrown out de coatroom!'
Understanding Women: 'You're so manly' really means, 'you need a shave and you sweat a lot'
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing!
What is the difference between Batman and a black man? Batman can go to the store with out Robin!
Why do they call it 'Unsweetened Tea'? Did they put sugar into it, and then taken it out again?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!
What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant!
Chuck Norris' beard is barbed wire soaked in ox blood and held together by the souls of mortals!
What is the difference between a park bench and a black guy? The park bench can support a family!
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. We're surrounded!
You might be a redneck if: you're having sex with your wife and she tells you, "That tickles!"
Would it be hard to make a date with someone who is into bondage because they're always tied up?
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris!
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
Why do people believe in re-incarnation? Who would want to come back as a tin of evaporated milk?
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. We're surrounded.
Knock Knock! Who's there? Amsterdam. Amsterdam who? Amsterdam tired of stupid knock knock jokes.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over - nobody was home!
Men who don't understand women at all, by & large, fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer!"
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
Why do blacks hate country? Every time they here 'ho-down' they think someone shot their sister!
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle!
You might be a redneck if: You believe It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it!
What is red and lies in all four corners of the room? A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.
A friend sent me a post card with a picture of Earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here!"
I read that most accidents in the home happen in the kitchen. So I moved the stove to the bedroom!
Knock Knock! Who's there? Yo momma. Yo momma, who? Seriously, it's yo momma, open the dang door.
What's the difference between Howdy Doody and President Reagan? You can't see Reagan's strings.
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people!
How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping? The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Knock Knock! Who's there? Aardvark. Aardvark who? Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles.
What did the kamikaze instructor tell his students? Pay attention, I'm only going to do this once.
You might be a redneck if: The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife!
When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood and not a real boy? The day his hand caught on fire.
If a man stands in the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
On our 1st date, I asked my wife if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye!
One thing you can say about kids: they don't go around showing you pictures of their grandparents!
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside!'
How can you tell if a Korean broke into your house? Your dog is missing, and your homework is done!
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business!
Chuck Norris has never kicked anyone's ass, but the mere sight of him makes you kick your own ass!
You might be a redneck if: your truck is stolen and sold by your mother to buy beer and Copenhagen!
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
You can always trust the Americans to do the right thing after eliminating all other possibilities!
Understanding Women: 'I'll be ready in a minute' really means, 'Be patient, I'll be a while.'
Knock Knock! Who's there? Norma Lee. Norma Lee who? Normally I don't go around knocking on doors.
I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. You have to let nudity "happen!"
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control!
How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? She gets the Pop Tarts out of the toaster in one piece!
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff!
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster!
Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Except after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live'!
What has six legs and goes: 'Ho-de-do, ho-de-do, ho-de-do'? Three blacks running for the elevator!
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish!
How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters? All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.
Most books say our sun is a star. But how does it know how to change back into a sun in the daytime?

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