General Jokes!The fight we had last night was my fault. My wife asked me what was on the TV and I said dust!
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh!"
Understanding Women: 'This kitchen is so inconvenient' really means, 'I want a new house!'
Something you will never hear a Redneck say: My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's!
What do you get when you cross an Eskimo with a black person? A snow blower that doesn't work!
You might be a redneck if: You believe 'dual air bags' refers to your wife and mother-in-law!
Why does the work that you have to do always expand to fill up the time that the pubs are open?
Of course, America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up!
Upon arriving on the moon, Neil Armstrong caught a 382,500 km touchdown pass from Chuck Norris.
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
You might be a redneck if: your wife wears tight leather and it makes her look like a re-tread!
Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? Add milk, and they eat themselves!
You know your Amish child is losing it when: you criticize him and he answers 'thou sucketh!'
How about the Gay Lawyer that blew his first case? Or the two Gay Judges that tried each other?
If you held a fist long enough, would your nails eventually grow through the back of your hand?
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me!
You might be a redneck if: you're at a family reunion and you wear a shirt that says," I'm related to you!"
How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies? There are M&M shells all over the floor!
How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped!
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did -- in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Why are hunters such great lovers? Because they go deep into the bush, shoot twice & eat everything they shoot!
If you bought a voodoo globe, and spun it around really quickly, would everybody in the world get really dizzy?
Devil didn't go down to Georgia looking for a soul to steal. Chuck went to Hell and told the Devil to get out!
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cuz now I don't have to hold things when I sleep!
Not common knowledge: there are actually 3 sides to the Force. The light side, the dark side, & the Chuck side!
Redneck Driver's Manual: When approaching a 4way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires has the right of way!
Chuck Norris is so strong that not only does he hold the whole world in his hands, he holds the entire universe!
What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails so long and beautiful? Nothing, nothing at all.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. I ask, 'Got any shoes you're not using?'
How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb? 1 to stand on a chair & hold the bulb & 2 to spin the chair.
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
Laundry folder asks blonde to help find a match for her sock. Blonde says, "Why? You going to set it on fire?"
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
If there were only three Irishmen left in the world you'd find two of them in a corner talking about the other.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They asked why? I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar!"
Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused?
If "I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language, could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
Why didn't the white guy watch tv last Saturday? Cause he was walking his yellow lab with his wife and 2.5 kids!
Have you ever noticed? Anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were no more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a stick!
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later!
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a crash, why not make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day? Because the camels can't handle it!
Redneck Driver's Manual: When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, don't ask her to bring back beer!
What did Corazon Aquino say to the old regime as she kicked them out of the Philippines? On your Marcos, set, go.
Redneck Driver's Manual: Dim your lights for approaching cars, even if the gun is loaded & the deer is in sight!
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only secs away from death!
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch!
If trees could scream, would we so casually cut them down? What if they screamed all the time, for no good reason?
They once tried to carve Chuck Norris' face into Mt. Rushmore, but the granite was not hard enough for his beard.
You might be a redneck if: When you was little, your front yard got TPed and Momma thought it was a gift from God.
If a clown had a child, and it started messing around, would he be able to tell the child to stop clowning around?
You might be a redneck if: your whole wardrobe is work boots, camo pants, plaid flannel shirt, & a John Deere hat.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing!
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt, cross the road again? Because it was a dirty double crosser!
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the door. He don't want to go out. He wants ME to leave!
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
A new survey 50% of women state that they rather be thinner than smarter. The rest didn't understand the question!
You might be a redneck if: you've ever been in a fight involving the phrase "Dale Earnhardt is the Intimidator!"
Chinese couple's in bed. Husband says, "I want a sixty-nine." His wife says, "You want beef and broccoli now?"
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
You might be a redneck if: you see if you need to bathe by sticking your hand between UR butt cheeks & smelling it.
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
What's the definition of a sensitive man? A guy who doesn't make his girlfriend blow him after he butt-fucks her.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
I was on the street. A guy waved to me and said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." I said, "I am!"
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp? They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Hear about the blonde found frozen to death in her car at a drive-in theater? She went to see "Closed for Winter".
You might be a redneck if: you've ever fought w UR buddy because he said his John Deere will out pull your Farmall!
If they ever make a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
When I was a kid, I had a toy subway. U couldn't see anything, but every now & then you'd hear this rumbling go by.
I like when good things happen to me, but I wait 2 weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fortnight!'
If you are a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you!
I moved into an all-electric house. I left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open!
Signs of a bad day: You wake up and discover your water bed broke, and then you remember you don't have a water bed.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. I don't really notice, except I have 2 leave the driveway doing 60mph.
What's red, sits in the front of mirror, and gets smaller and smaller? A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it. The thief was spending less than his wife did.
If you get invited to your 1st orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. U have to let nudity happen.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time? He didn't know if he was coming or going.
You might be a redneck if: you're going up the highway and a kid asks his mom if he can get out & push their car too.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
Don't take a dog on the space shuttle, b/c if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
What's the difference between a paint mixer and a British au pair? No one leaves children in the care of a paint mixer.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
Things to do in the bathroom stall...Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
Why did the black man wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy? He said: 'If I'ze gonna be im-po-tent, I wanna looks im-po-tant.'
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened."
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.