General Jokes!Do you know how giraffes were born? Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a horse in the neck!
What's my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg into an electric fan.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens!
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
You might be a redneck if: The FBI surrounded your trailer park twice so far this year!
Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball gown!
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? She kept running away from the ball!
You know your Amish child is losing it when: he's wearing his big black hat backwards.
What are three things you can't give a black person? A black eye, a fat lip and a job.
What don't you ask a woman drinking coffee at a mastectomy clinic? "One lump or two?"
It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs!
When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat he doesn't get wet the water gets Chuck Norrised!
Confucius says, "Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ!"
What do you say to a black person in a three-piece suit? Will the defendant please rise?
I was an ugly kid, too. How ugly? I was so ugly my mother breast-fed me through a straw!
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway!
You can tell you've drunk too much coffee when you answer the door before people knock!
You can tell you've drunk too much coffee when you chew on other people's fingernails!
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet!
Why are black peoples' hands white? Because they are always leaning up against cop cars!
Knock Knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? C'mon, there's no crying in knock knock jokes!
What is white and red and hangs from a telephone wire? A baby shot through a snow blower.
Things to do in the bathroom stall...Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
Is it better to be born black or gay? Black - because you don't have to tell your folks!
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places!
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
Knock Knock! Who's there? Luck. Luck who? Luck through the keyhole and you'll find out!
You can tell you've drunk too much coffee when you have to watch videos in fast-forward!
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
What do you call someone who can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle? Fat!
Redneck Driver's Manual: The race car is not street legal even if you do have a license!
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told!
Mobile phones are the only things in life that a man will brag about having the smallest!
If honesty is the best policy then, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy!
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
Why didn't JFK Jr. shower before the plane flight? He figured he would wash up on shore.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything!
Someone once challenged Chuck Norris to a duel. That person is now known as Captain Hook!
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned!
How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? There's White-Out on the screen!
You can tell it's going to be a rotten day when: you put your bra on backwards & it fits.
Why did the blonde cross the road? Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom?
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend!
What do you call a mob of white people in Detroit burning down the city? A hockey victory.
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
Understanding Women: 'I'm not upset' really means, 'of course I'm upset, you moron!'
You can tell you've drunk too much coffee when Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house!
Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral? Because he's the only queen who gives a ----
Did you hear that Louise Woodward found religion in jail? She's going to become a Shaker.
What's the hardest part about rollerblading? It's telling your parents that you're gay.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it!
Things to do in the bathroom stall...Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out of the underpants.
Something you will never hear a Redneck say: Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
Why do Eskimos eat whale meat and blubber? You'd blubber too if you had to eat whale meat.
You might be a redneck if: your wife's deer head hanging on the wall is bigger than yours!
What was the last thing Kurt Cobain said to Courtney Love? "Hole is gonna be really big!"
Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen? That's the proper place to wash vegetables.
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes!
How are men like pasta? They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough!
My father used to go round in strange circles,..one of his legs was shorter than the other!
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
What's the difference between Afghanistan and Christmas? Christmas will be here this year!
How are a Texas tornado and an Arkansas divorce the same? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!
What does it mean when the flag at the post office is flying at half mast? They're hiring.
What do you get when you put a dead baby in a blender? Hold on. I'll tell you in a second.
Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling? He wanted to go where no man had ever gone before.
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other, "Funny, I smell carrots too!"
What do you call an Iranian who stops your car and takes your money? Ayatollbooth Khomeini.
What do lesbians do after they have an argument? They go home and lick each others' wounds!
"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" "Sit down and I'll deal with you later!"
What movie stars Diane Keaton in search of well-hung mechanics? Looking for Mr. Good-wrench.
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself!
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian!
The big story: Las Vegas got three inches of snow. So it's official: hell is freezing over!
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. There is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris!
How do men exercise at the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini!
You might be a redneck if: you've ever had to put on a pair of boots to go to the bathroom!
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players? It saves time in the long run!
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Things to do in the bathroom stall...Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
Redneck Dos & Don'ts: Never tell your wife that duct tape will fix the fan belt of her car!
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris? Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men? No phone numbers.
Why did the blonde move away? She heard that 90% of all crimes were committed near the home.
I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it!
Understanding Women: 'I heard a noise' really means, 'I noticed you were almost asleep.'
You know your Amish child is losing it when: you come upon his secret stash of colored socks!
What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Ford? Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Ford.
If five out of every ten people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the other five enjoy it?
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise
Something you will never hear a Redneck say: Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla!
You might be a redneck if: During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together!
What does a Polish bride get the night of her wedding that's long and hard? A new last name.
Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first? So you can see the expression on its face!
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
You might be a redneck if: The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors!
No woman has ever satisfied Chuck Norris. Because only Chuck Norris can satisfy Chuck Norris!
You know your Amish child is losing it when: you come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and to love our enemies. Are these the same people?
Why do a Pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat!
Understanding Women: 'Be romantic, turn the lights out' really means, 'I'm embarrassed!'
How can you pick out Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony? He's the one with sesame seed buns.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour!
You might be a redneck if: When you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took!
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died!
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you!
Question: When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
Why did the blonde girl take a ladder to the bar? She heard that the drinks were on the house!
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges!
There was only one man ever to outsmart Chuck Norris, Steven Hawking, he got what he deserved!
What's the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods has a reliable driver.
I went to a new doctor who was located in the Professional Building. I felt better right away!
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
A brunette says to a blonde 'Look! A dead bird!' and the blonde looks up and says 'Where?'