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Work Jokes!

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY), filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia), and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (made in MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA.
My 1-day employment: So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?" So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart." My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."
THE OUTHOUSE POEM: The service station trade was slow...The owner sat around, With sharpened knife and cedar stick, Piled shavings on the ground. No modern facilities had they, The log across the rill, Led to a shack, marked His and Hers, That sat against the hill. "Where is the ladies restroom, sir?" The owner leaning back, Said not a word but whittled on, And nodded toward the shack. With quickened step she entered there...But only stayed a minute, Until she screamed, just like a snake Or spider might be in it. With startled look and beet red face...She bounded through the door, And headed quickly for the car, Just like three gals before. She missed the foot log - jumped the stream...The owner gave a shout, As her silk stockings, down at her knees, Caught on a sassafras sprout. She tripped and fell - got up, and then...In obvious disgust, Ran to the car, stepped on the gas, And faded in the dust. Of course we all desired to know...What made the gals all do...The things they did, and then we found...The whittling owner knew. A speaking system he'd devised...To make the thing complete, He tied a speaker on the wall, Beneath the toilet seat. He'd wait until the gals got set, And then the devilish tike, Would stop his whittling long enough, To speak into the mike. And as she sat, a voice below, Struck terror, fright and fear, "Will you please use the other hole, We're painting under here!"
Always Give 100% At Work: 12% Monday 23% Tuesday 40% Wednesday 20% Thursday 5% Friday
The brain is an wonderful organ, it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
Holdup man: "Stick 'em up or else." Victim: "Or else what?" Holdup man: "Don't confuse me - this is my first job."
"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?" "I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months."
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
The sales manager was wrapping up her pep talk to new staff members. "Just remember this," she said. "Always be sincere, whether you mean it or not."
Six Phases of Project Management: 1 Exaltation 2 Disenchantment 3 Confusion 4 Search for the Guilty 5 Punishment of the Innocent 6 Distinction for the Uninvolved
My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope! I do this for free."
The boss and an applicant are talking: Boss:(asking the applicant) Why did you leave your last job? Applicant: Illness Boss: What was the trouble? Applicant: My boss was sick of me.
A girl says to a salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker." He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"
The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign.'"
Boss... "I saw you arguing with that customer. Don't you know that our policy is 'The customer is always right?'" Employee... "Yes I do, but he insisted that he was wrong!"
A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?" "In 3 months."
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Manager, interviewing a job applicant: "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage." Job Applicant: "Well Sir, the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing!"
In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit. "I can't do that!" the lady said. "The sweater is a surprise!"
"You ought to feel highly honored," said the businessman to the life insurance agent, "so far today I have had my secretary turn away seven insurance agents." "Yes, I know," replied the agent, "I'm them."
A few days after refusing to sleep with her boss, Linda stormed into his office. "My salary's been cut in half!" she shrieked. "That's right," the boss replied. "Haven't you ever heard of a withholding tax?"
A teenage girl shopped at the mall and stopped at the perfume counter. She sees, "My Sin", "Desire", and "Ecstasy". She says to the salesperson, "I don't want to get emotionally involved...I just want to smell nice."
A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days. "Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."
This is what i call three perfect answers... If questioned Q. What would I like to change in your work? A. MY BOSS Q. What would I like to change in my office? A. Everything leaving me Q. What I like the most in my office? A. Nothing leaving me
A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him.. "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?" He told me "That is why we give you 21 days."
"Your salary is your personal business," a boss told his newest executive, " and it shouldn't be disclosed to anyone." "I can't dream of telling anyone about it ." said the employee "I'm as ashamed of it as you are!"
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys... all on different limbs... at different levels... some climbing up. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes
The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang. "You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably. "All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"
I stopped by my boss' office to ask about a long awaited pay increase. She told me, "I know perfectly well you aren't being paid what you're worth!" "So..." I asked, hope returning. "But, I can't allow you to starve to death, can I?"
For the holidays, all company employees got socks with the corporate logo on them. The day after receiving the gifts, a coworker reported on his wife's response. "Honey," she said, "I didn't realize you were going to get sock options this year!"
A newly joined trainee engineer asks his boss "what is the meaning of appraisal?" Boss: "Do you know the meaning of resignation?" Trainee: "Yes I do" Boss: "So let me make you understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation"
The instructor in a basic-training course asked a sleepy private, "If you were on night sentry duty and saw a figure crawling toward camp, what procedure would you follow?" "Well, sir," the private answered, "I'd help the officer to his quarters."
BOSS said to an employee: "Do you believe in life after Death? EMPLOYEE : "Certainly not! There 's no proof of it", he replied. BOSS : "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, He came here looking for you.!"
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?" Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move."
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes, he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a police officer. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay isn't great, and the hours can be awful. But I like the fact that the customer is almost always wrong."
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications & said, 'We have an opening for people like you.' 'Oh, great,' the man said, 'What is it?' 'It's called the door!'
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutter's place. They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIRCUTS!" Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIRCUTS"
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend who used to work with him asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches. Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?" Me: "Certainly, what width?" Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"
Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision," He announced, standing up to leave. "Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think."
A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you." "Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once." "Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

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