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Women Jokes!

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS? Answer: A crazy bitch who WILL find you!
My wife has a black belt in shopping!
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence!
Wanna hear a funny joke? Women's rights!
Men's Advice To Women: Sunday = TV Sports!
Women somehow deteriorate during the night!
Men's Advice To Women: Get rid of your cat!
Men's Advice To Women: Crying is blackmail!
Why do women have periods? They deserve them!
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops!
Men's Advice To Women: You have enough clothes!
Why do men die before their wives? They want to!
Men's Advice To Women: You have too many shoes!
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
Why do women have tits? So men will talk to them!
When a woman says, "No" she really means, "No!"
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!
Why do women have breasts? So men will talk to them!
When a woman says, "We need" she means, "I want!"
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
Women are cute and cuddly - every man should own one!
Beer is better than a woman because hangovers go away!
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care!
Beer is better than a woman because beer is always wet!
Beer is better than a woman because beer is never late!
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks? You hit her!
What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant!
When a woman says, "You want" she means, "You need!"
Men's Advice To Women: Mark anniversaries on a calendar!
What do you call a woman with no black eyes? A good cook!
Beer is better than a woman because beer stains wash out!
Should I have a baby after 35? No, 35 children is enough!
My wife asked me, "What"s on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? Because she was a woman!
What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man? Lazy!
Men's Advice To Women: Anything you wear is fine. Really!
What do you call a sorority girl's water bed? Lake Placid!
Most accidents happen at home! And the men have to eat them!
Things you'll never hear a woman say...Hey, pull my finger!
Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away!
What do you call a woman with one back eye? A quick learner!
Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough!
What do you call a lesbian with ten girlfriends? A Bush Hog!
Why don't women wear watches? There's a clock on the stove!
How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex? Marry her!
Beer is better than a woman because beer never has a headache!
Why did Clinton gonna lose the election? Cause she is a woman!
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back!
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Yell at her!
Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!
Beer is better than a woman because a beer always goes down easy!
Woman: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
Why do they call it PMS? Cause Mad Cow Disease was already taken!
Beer is better than a woman because a frigid beer is a good beer!
What would men do without women? They would train another animal!
What is a sorority girls favorite position? Facing Bloomingdales!
Male or Female?: FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Male or Female?: PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
Male or Female?: TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
Male or Female?: HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
Male or Female?: SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
Male or Female?: WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
Male or Female?: TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
Male or Female?: EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
Male or Female?: HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
Male or Female?: THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you."

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