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When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royce's." "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!" "Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
God vs. Project Manager With God One day a man was having a conversation with god when his whole life flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult periods of his life there were only one set of footprints. He asked god "You said you will be with me throughout this journey, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of my life?" To which god answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times in your life, I was carrying you". With Project Manager Another day a S/W Programmer was having a similar conversation with his PM when his whole project flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult times in the project there were only one set of footprints. He asked his PM "You said you will be with me throughout the project, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of the project?" To which the PM answered "I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times, I was sitting on your head!
What you want to reinstall today? USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct? Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner. Close your eyes and press escape three times. DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere. Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume. You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong. A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do. I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine. One persons error is another persons data. Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait. System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing. System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug. The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language. This screen intentionally left blank. There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users? You have junk mail.You might have mail. You never finish a program, you just stop working on it. Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage. Windows 95 CPH(crash per hour) reduced to 94.5302.
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper "I'll have a C monkey please". The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying, "Thatll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That ones even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that ones a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I havent actually seen it do anything, but it says its a consultant."
Eventually, Bill croaks and Satan is there to greet him. "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever." Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!" "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys," "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete."
Never marry a software engineer. Just have a look at this conversation and then decide Yourself. Husband - hey dear, I am logged in. Wife - would you like to have some snacks? Husband - hard disk full. Wife - have you brought the saree. Husband - Bad command or file name. Wife - but I told you about it in morning Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel. Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary. Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time. Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping. Husband - sharing violation, access denied. Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you. Husband - data type mismatch. Wife - you are useless. Husband - by default. Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning? Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot. Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist? Husband - the only user with write permission. Wife - what is my value in your life? Husband - unknown virus detected. Wife - do you love me or your computer? Husband - Too many parameters. Wife - i will go to my dad?s house. Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close. Wife - I will leave you forever. Husband - close all programs and log out for another User. Wife - it is worthless talking to you. Husband - shut down the computer. Wife - I am going Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.
Dear Ms. Baby, I saw you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realised that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time, I've been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you that never produces an executable code and hence is useless. You not only have a beautiful face, but all your Activex controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful that it encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you looked at me last evening, I felt all my program modules running smoothly and giving expected results, which I have never experienced before. With this letter, I just want to convey that, if we linked together, I'll provide you with all the objects and libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall, which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them accept our marriage. I anticipate that nobody is already logged into your database so that my connect script would fail. And it's all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox. Only yours, XYZ Software Professional.
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after is sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd: "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay." The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini- printer. He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here." The shepherd cheers," That's correct, you can have your sheep." The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?" The young man answers, "Yes, why not". The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ". "How did you know?" asks the young man. "Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something which I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business..."
Male Or Female As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow. Five reasons to believe computers are female: One No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. Two The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. Three The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you,then I'm certainly not going to tell you." Four Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. Five As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow. Five reasons to believe computers are male: ONE They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. TWO They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. THREE As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model. FOUR In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. FIVE Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
If Microsoft Ran a Bar: You order a beer but won't actually get it until next year. When you do get your beer, it will only be half-full. When you complain about this, you get charged extra. You are promised that the next beer you get will not only be full, but will actually brew you more beer. This turns out to be false. You still only get half a beer in a slightly different color of glass. You will probably need to learn how to drink all over again. Your glass of beer will explode at random intervals. Far from being seen as a fault, this is described by the bar staff as an 'undocumented feature'. You are assured that the next beer you receive will not explode. Of course, it will and it does. You can only talk to people who are drinking the same beer as you. You can order a different drink, but you will have to go to another bar. You've heard that there is another beer called 'Linux Real Lite', which is tastier, comes in a near bottomless glass and is free. But you can't drink it because you'll lose your job. Strangely, you'll keep your job if you continuously get pissed at MS-Bar. You can become a MS-Beer expert by paying the bar lots of money and then taking a test in which you lie about how good the beer is while overlooking all its faults. The bar releases NT-Beer, but it is so big that it won't fit on your table. You will have to buy a new table. The glass is still only half full. For some obscure reason, you keep drinking at MS-Bar. Just Ten Years Ago

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