Sex Jokes!A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's ompletely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up." Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about relations." The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks. The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations." The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?" The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations." The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?" The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations." The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations." "Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on." A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible." "What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?" "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!"
A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh. Only one guy says he can do it, and he whispers something in the horse's ear. Sure enough, the horse laughs his head off. So the following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again, but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. The same guy comes up to him, then whispers to the horse and they go off to the bathroom. Amazingly, when they come back, the horse is sobbing. The horse's owner goes over to the other guy, and says: "Hey, I just gotta know - how did you do that?" "Simple," he replies, "last week I told him I had a bigger cock than him. This week I showed him...." This guy's walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle. Much to his surprise, a genie flies out. "Oh master," it declaims, "your wish is my command." Great, thinks the guy, his chance has finally come! "Genie," he demands, "give me a cock that touches the floor." Whereupon both his legs fell off.
In the Garden of Eden, as everyone knows, Lives Adam and Eve, without any clothes. In this garden, were two little leaves, one covered Adam's, one covered Eve's. As the story goes on, Never the less to say, the wind came along, and blew the leaves away. At the sight, Adam did stare, There was Eve's treasure, All covered with hair. And wonder came, Under Eve's eyes, As Adam's thing, started to rise. They found a spot, that suited them best, a nice big tree, where they began to rest. Her legs spread wider, and wider apart, While thrill after thrill, Came into her heart. The head of Adam's thing, Peeked into the hole, and filled her with passion, Beyond her control. Backward and forward, His thing did slide, And Eve's treasure, was all wet inside. The joy was good, She wouldn't let loose, Until Adam's thing, Was all out of juice. Then down through the years, People did screw, and now it is time, for me and you. So pull down your pants, and lay in the grass, because I'm in the mood, for a piece of that ASS!
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away." Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know." The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..." Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know." The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay." Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know." She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...." Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!"
On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!' The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!' Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher. 'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher. 'Pockets!' said Larry. The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'
Here are some valuable tips to help you "Play it Safe"... Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly. Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex. Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm." Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you. Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like. Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use. When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance. Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?" Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape. You CAN get it from kissing... tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact. To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms. If you must engage in unsafe sex fun, take time out before hand to hope for the best. Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes.
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana."
The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"
Story of a Woman who just turned 47 When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend. When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend. I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.
Why Fishing is Better Than Sex When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad. Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught. In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught. You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go. You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish. You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum. Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing. Top 15 Euphemisms for Impotence 15. 180 degrees shy of heaven 14. Performing with Flaccido Domingo 13. A few parts shy of an erector set 12. Sch-wing and a miss 11. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense 10. The Null Monty 9. Disappointing Miss Daisy 8. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics 7. Ascension Deficit Disorder 6. Bouncing the Check of Love 5. Less-than-Magic Johnson 4. All Doled up with nowhere to go 3. Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You 2. Serving boneless pork 1. Unleavened Man-Bread