Religious Jokes!Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little just to be funny.
If College Students Wrote The Bible: The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold.
If College Students Wrote The Bible: The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font.
If College Students Wrote The Bible: A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
If College Students Wrote The Bible: Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
If College Students Wrote The Bible: Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to email@example.com.
If College Students Wrote The Bible: Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
If College Students Wrote The Bible: Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
If College Students Wrote The Bible: Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to get it done.
You know how to you make God laugh? Tell him your plans.
Q: What do you call a dead atheist? A: Someone all dressed up with nowhere to go!
"If absence makes the heart grow fonder," said a minister, "a lot of folks must really love our church."
The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, "Father, that was a good sermon." The priest replied, "Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit." "It wasn't THAT good!" she said.
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
Walking by, a minister saw his 5-year-old son and playmates find a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, the children had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn... and into the hole he gooooes."
The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny's turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, "Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy." "That was a very misguided thing to do, my son," said the priest patiently. "It wasn't misguided at all," said Little Johnny. "I hit him."
God noticed that Adam was lonely. He said to him "Adam, I am going to give you the perfect companion. She'll cook and clean and listen, she's perfect." Adam replied, "What will she cost me?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Shocked, Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."
"I've been racking my brains, but I can't place you," one man said to another at a gathering. "And you look very much like somebody I have seen a lot - somebody I don't like, but I can't tell you why. Isn't that strange?" "Nothing strange about it," the other man said. "You have seen me a lot, and I know why you resent me. For two years I passed the collection plate in your church."
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of a church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!" When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!" And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!" But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
Jesus was in the town square as a mob was bringing in an adultress to be stoned. When he realized what was about to happen, he called out in his Son of God voice, "LET HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE!" Well, this kind of put a damper on the party; people started looking guilty and dropped their stones. Suddenly a baseball-sized stone came whistling in from the edge of the crowd, striking the adultress square in the forehead, shattering her skull, and dropping her dead. Jesus, rising to his toes, looked in the direction of the thrower and called out, "Nice arm, Mom."
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl. "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother. After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked. "Yes," the little girl replied. "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked. "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
Two men are waiting at the gates of Heaven and strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!" The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!" The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase. The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no..." "Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN." The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff. "HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.
Stuff Happens: Tao: Stuff happens. Catholicism: If stuff happens, you deserved it. Protestantism: Let stuff happen to somebody else. Judasim: Why does stuff always happen to us? Islam: Stuff happens according to the will of Allah. Buddhism: The stuff is an illusion. Zen: What is the sound of stuff happening? Hinduism: This stuff happened before. Mormonism: This stuff should multiply. Baha'i Faith: Stuff happens in a progressive manner. Agnosticism: I'm not sure about this stuff. Atheism: That stuff about the stuff is all just made up stuff. Jonestown: Forget about the stuff and just drink the Kool-Aid.
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?" And the man says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off." Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?" And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH: He went into his father's business. He lived at home until he was 33. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH: He never got married. He was always telling stories He loved green pastures.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN: His first name was Jesus. He was bilingual. He was always being harassed by the authorities.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN: He talked with his hands. He had wine with every meal. He worked in the building trades.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK: He called everybody "brother." He liked Gospel. He couldn't get a fair trial.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN: He never cut his hair. He walked around barefoot. He started a new religion.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN: He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it. Even dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
Two Hindu swamis were in conversation. One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?" His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."
A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?" He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."
Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife's roommate commented, "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
Following the resurrection, the disciples were still scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some good news and some bad news." Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down. "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the good news?" John says, "The good news is Christ is risen." Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?" John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last Friday."
A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one. He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out. "What do you have there?" his mother asked. With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted. At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. "When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. "Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
This story cannot be found in the scriptures, but it is told that after his resurrection, Jesus appeared to an old fisherman. "I am Jesus and I have returned to show God's love and power." "No, you're not Jesus. Go away! You're scaring all the fish," answered the old fisherman. "I see you are full of doubt. What would you have me do to show who I am?" "Walk across the river," the old fisherman tells Jesus. Jesus starts walking across the river, but he sinks and disappears under the water. After he swims back to shore, the old fisherman says to him, "See, you're not Jesus. You can't walk on water!" Jesus responds, "Well, I used to be able to do it, but then I got these holes in my feet!"
An atheist became incensed over Christmas holiday preparations. He filed a lawsuit about the constant celebrations given to Christians and Jews while atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long, passionate presentation by the atheist's lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!" The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling. "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah. Yet, my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!" The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously, your client is too confused to know about, much less celebrate, his own atheist holiday!" The lawyer pompously said, "Your honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be?" The judge replied, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, if your client says there is no God then, according to the Bible, he is a fool. April Fool's Day is his holiday. Now, get out of my courtroom!"
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns. The cop says, "Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?" Sister replies, "I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55." The copy says, "Sister, that's the name of the highway, not the speed limit." "Silly me," the embarrassed nun says. "Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful." But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear. He asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends?" Sister says, "Oh, we just got off Highway 101."
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm becoming Catholic."
A man arrives at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."
Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? A: A roaming Catholic.
A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been here."
Q: How did the bishop make holy water? A: He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it.
At an Easter mass, at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began. They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began.When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass but was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "Brides of Christ." The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you're prepared for it?" "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests." "I don't mean that," the deacon replied. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" "Oh sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
A newly ordained deacon was asked to hold a graveside service for someone with no family or friends. It was his first official assignment, so he eagerly agreed. Taking his duties very seriously, the deacon let early the next morning for the cemetery. However, he made several wrong turns and quickly got himself lost. When he finally arrived more than an hour late, the hearse was nowhere to be seen and the two workmen were eating lunch. The deacon got out of his car, quickly threw on his vestments, and hurried to the open grave. Looking into the pit, he saw that the vault lid was already in place. With a sign, he took out his prayer book and read the burial service. After he had left, one of the workmen said to the other, "Maybe we should have told him he just blessed a septic tank."
Top 10 Mom Scoldings in the Bible: 10. Sampson, get your hands off of that lion, you don't know where it's been! 9. David, I told you not to play in the house with that string! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons. 8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper! 7. Shadrach, Meschach and Abendeco! I told you, never play with fire! 6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day! 5. Noah, no you can' t help them. Don't bring home any strays. 4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at my clothes. 3. James and John! No more burping at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you sons of thunder. 2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again? 1. Jesus! Close the door! You think you were born in a barn.
An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffee cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic. "This is a very special coffee cake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning, and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffee cakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery. And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up. Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above: "You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news." Moses was staggered. The voice continued: "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs." "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust." "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land." Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's...that's fantastic. I can't believe it! But what's the bad news?" "You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!" The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy. The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up." "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?" "It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain." "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?""No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow." "Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there." "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore." A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there." Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."
An elderly Muslim lady was well-known for her faith and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by. Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer "Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" One night the atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries. She raised her hands and shouted, "Allah be praised!" The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." The old lady laughed and clapped her hands and said, "ALLAH BE PRAISED. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
It is pouring rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi. With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me." Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house.A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me." The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!" The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me." The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence. The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?" And the Lord answered, "I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?"
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested. Then God created man, and then they both rested. Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.
Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher. As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot at the same time and the buck dropped immediately. The hunting party rushed to see how big it actually was. Upon reaching the fallen deer, they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole. A debate followed concerning whose buck it was. When a game warden came by, he offered to help. A few moments later, he had the answer. He said with much confidence, "The pastor shot the buck!" The friends were amazed that he could determine that so quickly and with so little examination. The game warden just smiled. "It was easy to figure out. The bullet went in one ear and out the other."
And lo, in the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me." "Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark. "Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a building permit." "I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system." "My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision." "Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it." "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl." "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!" "When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space." "Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood." "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew." "Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work." "The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience. "To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species." "So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
Good news/Bad news for a pastor: Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good news/Bad news for a pastor: Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good news/Bad news for a pastor: Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
Good news/Bad news for a pastor: Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good news/Bad news for a pastor: Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."
Good news/Bad news for a pastor: Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game. Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.
Good news/Bad news for a pastor: Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.
Good news/Bad news for a pastor: Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good news/Bad news for a pastor: Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
Good news/Bad news for a pastor: Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.
Good news/Bad news for a pastor: Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.
Messages spotted on church signs or billboards: Fire Insurance Inside.
Messages spotted on church signs or billboards: This Church Is Prayer Conditioned.
Messages spotted on church signs or billboards: God Answers Knee Mail.
Messages spotted on church signs or billboards: PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
Messages spotted on church signs or billboards: Sign broken, come inside for message.
Messages spotted on church signs or billboards: This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
Messages spotted on church signs or billboards: Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme.
Messages spotted on church signs or billboards: Wal-Mart's not the only savings place.
Messages spotted on church signs or billboards: The best position is on your knees!
Church Bulletin Bloopers: A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: On the main page of the Internet web site for the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada: "In a show of near anonymity, the convention approved full communion with the Anglican Church of Canada."
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Announcement: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."
Church Bulletin Bloopers: The agenda was adopted. The minutes were approved. The financial secretary gave a grief report.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All."
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Due to the rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: God Is Good--Dr. Hargreaves is better.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Said during a congregational prayer when leading prayer for unsaved loved ones: "Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones."
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: "I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live."
Church Bulletin Bloopers: On a church postcard: "I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I would like a personal call."
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Church sign: "Jesus Saves!" Safeway sign across the street: "Safeway saves you more!"
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Thursday at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: (For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week: "There will be no Moms who care this week."
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Due to weather conditions, there will not be any "Women Worth Watching" this week.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
Catholic Definitions: Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
Catholic Definitions: Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
Catholic Definitions: Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
Catholic Definitions: Incense: Holy Smoke!
Catholic Definitions: Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
Catholic Definitions: Jonah: The original "Jaws" story.
Catholic Definitions: Justice: When your children have kids of their own.
Catholic Definitions: Kyrie Eleison: The only Greek words that most Catholics an recognize besides gyros and baklava.
Catholic Definitions: Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
Catholic Definitions: Manger: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
Catholic Definitions: Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
Catholic Definitions: Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
Catholic Definitions: Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - lead by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
Catholic Definitions: Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long that they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
Catholic Definitions: Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not produced by David Letterman.
Catholic Definitions: Ushers: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus' time? A: Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.
God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. "What's a commandment?" they asked. "Well, it's like, THOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends." So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said God, "It's like, THOU SHALL NOT STEAL." The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy." So finally God went to the Israelites and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?" God said, "They're free." The Israelites said, "Great! We'll take ten!"
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat. As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!" In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?" Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again. As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive..."
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he'd just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now. As he finished his feel, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE! So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, "This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one."
Hymns for All Professions: Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns. Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings. Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation. Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy. Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away. Politician's Hymn: Standing on the Promises. Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See. IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All. Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On. Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light. Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By. Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop. Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me. Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician.
After receiving a beautiful haircut, a doctor asks the barber, "How much do I owe you?" "Oh, I never charge a doctor," the barber replies. "You all do such good, important work." The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds a thank you note and a bottle of wine on his doorstep from the doctor. Later that day, a police officer walks into the same barbershop. After a beautiful haircut, the police office asks the barber, "How much do I owe you?" "Oh, I never charge a police officer," the barber replies. "You all do such good, important work." The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds a thank you note and a box of candy on his doorstep from the police officer. Later that day, a priest walks into the same barbershop. After a beautiful haircut, the priest asks the barber, "How much do I owe you?" "Oh, I never charge a priest," the barber replies. "You all do such good, important work." The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds twelve priests on his doorstep.
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker: "God doesn't believe in atheists."
Did you hear about the guy who tried to date a nun? He wanted to take her to the county fair, but she declined on account of she had taken a vow abstaining from Carnival pleasures.
A minister stood in front of his congregation and announced, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is that it's still in your pockets."
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces, "Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar." Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. He prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all...One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist..."Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
Church Bulletin Blooper: Ushers will eat latecomers.
I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
Church Bulletin Blooper: Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
Church Bulletin Blooper: Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
3-year old: "Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name...."
Church Bulletin Blooper: Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Church Bulletin Blooper: A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
3-year-old, Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
Church Bulletin Blooper: The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Church Bulletin Blooper: Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Why don't they have Christmas at Trinity? They can't find a virgin and three wise men!
Church Bulletin Blooper: Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
Church Bulletin Blooper: Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Church Bulletin Blooper: The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens
Church Bulletin Blooper: Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
Church Bulletin Blooper: The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
Church Bulletin Blooper: The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? It was wound up already.
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina
Church Bulletin Blooper: The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
Church Bulletin Blooper: For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Church Bulletin Blooper: A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
A four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
Church Bulletin Blooper: Low Self' Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday >at 7 PM.Please use the back door.
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Church Bulletin Blooper: A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.
Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist. There he was. All dressed up and no place to go!
Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel? It's true . . . Comet cleans sinks!
Church Bulletin Blooper: The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Church Bulletin Blooper: The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning tojoin the choir.
Church Bulletin Blooper: This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson
What's a good holiday tip? A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Church Bulletin Blooper: Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct? On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
Church Bulletin Blooper: Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinueduntil further notice.
What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common? They both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job!
Church Bulletin Blooper: Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Church Bulletin Blooper: The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
"Drink is a curse," proclaimed the Irish Priest. "It makes you quarrel with your neighbour, and shoot at your landlord and miss!
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Church Bulletin Blooper: The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people whoare not afflicted with any church.
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
Church Bulletin Blooper: The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may beseen in the church basement Friday.
Church Bulletin Blooper: "Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Memorial Church. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Church Bulletin Blooper: Miss Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor? "Make me one with everything." When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?" The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."
Dear God, When I get to heaven, can I sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Also, are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Thank You God, The Dog.
How do we know that Adam and Eve were Mennonite? Who else would be alone in a garden with a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit?
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "But what happened to the flea?"
A wandering monk walked barefoot everywhere he went, to the point that the soles of his feet eventually became quite thick and leathery. And because he ate very little, he gradually became very frail. Several days often passed between opportunities to brush his teeth, so he usually had bad breath. Therefore, throughout the region, he came to be known as the super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
An imam shocked his community when he announced that he was resigning from and moving to a drier climate. Afterwards, a very distraught lady came to the imam with tears in her eyes, "Oh, imam, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kind-hearted imam said, "Now, now, sister, don't carry on. The imam who takes my place might be even better than me." "Yeah," she replied, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "that's what the last imam said, too."
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church, looking at a large plaque that hung there. After the young man of seven had stood there for some time, the pastor walked up beside him and said quietly, "Good morning, son." "Good morning, Pastor," replied the youngster, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Can I ask you, Sir, what is this for? Why are all these names listed on here?" "Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, Sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. She went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word throughout Paris that a new bell-ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews in the belfry. Several applicants demonstrated their skills, when a lone, armless ma came in and said he was there to apply for the bell-ringer's job. The incredulous bishop said, "But you have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody. The astonished bishop listened and knew he had found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, the armless man tripped, and plunged out the belfry window to his death. When the stunned bishop reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. One of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but this face rings a bell." Despite the sad event, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell-ringer of Notre Dame. The first applicant said, "Your Excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as he prepared to ring the bells the man groaned and clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?," the first monk asked breathlessly. "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."