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Police Jokes!

Do you remember when Ronald Reagan was our president and we also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash? Now we have Obama and no HOPE and no CASH!
Police comments: "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
Police comments: "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
Police comments: "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
Police comments: "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
Police comments: "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
Police comments: "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
Police comments: "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
Police comments: "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
Police comments: "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
Police comments: "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
Police comments: "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
Police comments: "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)
Police comments: "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
Police comments: "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
Police comments: "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
Police comments: "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
6 year old at a baseball game talking to a police officer: "When I grow up, I want to be a policeman. Did you get tazed?" Officer: "Yes." 6 year old: "Do firemen get tazed?" Officer: "No." 6 year old: "When I grow up, I want to be a firemen."
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice. "There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's OK. Go to sleep." The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."
A Tennessee State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the back seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes officer?" The trooper asks, "What are you doing?" The young man says, "I'm reading a magazine." Pointing to the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says, "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails." Now, the trooper is totally confused. The trooper asks, "What is your age, young man?" The young man says, "I'm 22, Sir." The trooper asks, "And her, what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up. Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Hewitson's residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.. One of the policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" Don't mess with old people!
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!" Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?" Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top." Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined." "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, Sir." "Aggressive and hostile?" "Yes, Sir?" "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?" "Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"
An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state-wide manhunt ensued. The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area and as soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times. Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor undocumented immigrant 68 times. Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "Because that's all the ammunition we had." Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what! The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied, "When you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die."
Bullet Proof vests aren't!
Laser sights work both ways!
Flash suppressors don't really!
Cops arrive late to the scene of crime!
Your Right, there is no Justice, Just Us!
Never say to a cop: "Bad Cop! No Donut!"
Nobody needs a cop while the cop is around!
Things not to say to a cop: I pay your salary!
Every thorough investigation leads to confusion!
Why was the picture sent to jail? It was framed!
"In God We Trust....All Others We Run N.C.I.C."
Two Mexicans are in a car, who is driving? A cop!
Things not to say to a cop: Are You Andy or Barney?
My uncle is with the FBI. They caught him in Detroit!
How does the LAPD play poker? Four clubs beat a king!
Murphy's laws of law enforcement: Waterproof boots aren't.
Never say to a cop: So, uh, are you "on the take", or what?
"Spill-proof" lids containing steaming hot coffee, aren't!
You must have been doing 125 to keep up with me.....good job!
Murphy's laws of law enforcement: Bullet proof vests might be.
Police comeback: "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
Never say to a cop: You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
You might be a cop if...you believe the dispatcher is possessed!
Murphy's laws of law enforcement: No good deed goes unpunished.
You might be a cop if...you correlate "two beers" with 0.15 BAC!
Dogs do not see the badge as a person of authority, they see lunch!
Murphy's laws of law enforcement: Eat right, Exercise, Die anyway.
Murphy's laws of law enforcement: Do unto others, but do it first.
You might be a cop if...you believe that chocolate is a food group!
"Two beers, officer" is always two more than they should have had!
You might be a cop if...you find humor in other people's stupidity!
Police comeback: "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead!
You might be a cop if...you believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac!
Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol!
You might be a cop if...you have the bladder capacity of five people!
What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!
You know you married a cop when handcuffs don't turn him on anymore!
Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in!
You know you married a cop when he calls farting his "silent alarm!"
Murphy's laws of law enforcement: Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.
Things not to say to a cop: You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Things not to say to a cop: Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs? None. He fell!
You know you married a cop when he says, yes, that is a gun in his pocket!
From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can!
The number of years on the job is directly proportional to your waist line!
Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over: "Bad Cop! No Donut!"
Murphy's laws of law enforcement: Crime only occurs on days that end in y.
Murphy's laws of law enforcement: Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.
You might be a cop if...you think caffeine should be available in I.V. form!
You know you married a cop when you start an argument, he calls for back-up!
Murphy's laws of law enforcement: You are ALWAYS downwind from pepper spray.
You might be a cop if...you refer to your nightstick as your "Dork Slayer!"
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand!
You might be a cop if...your idea of a good time is a robbery at shift change!
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it turned itself in!
Murphy's laws of law enforcement: K-9 units only do stupid thing's in public.
Murphy's laws of law enforcement: Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.
The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets!
You might be a cop if...you call for a CCH on anyone that is friendly toward you!
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer!
The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They punch, kick and choke harder too!
You might be a cop if...you have your weekends off planned for a year in advance!
You might be a cop if...you believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm!
You might be a cop if...you're not referring to food when you mention vegetables!
You know your supervisor doesn't like you when he sends you on drug raids - alone!
Murphy's laws of law enforcement: Departmental Intelligence Units....aren't very.
You know your supervisor doesn't like you when he refers to you as "our mascot!"
Never say to a cop: I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
You might be a cop if...you take it as a compliment when someone calls you a prick!

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