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Parenting Jokes!

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to heaven," she replied. The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"
The first woman was elected U.S. president. She called her mom to make sure she was coming to the inauguration. "I don't know, dear. What would I wear?" "Don't worry, Mom. I'll send a designer to help you." "But you know I need special foods for my diet." "Mom, I'm going to the president. I can get you the food you need." "But how will I get there?" "I'll send a limo, Mom. Just come!" "OK, OK, if it makes you happy." The great day came, and Mama was seated with the future cabinet members. She nudged the man on her right. "See that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor!"
A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You've got male!
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right." Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the fucking Post Office!"
Pregnancy Advice: What causes baby blues? Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.
Pregnancy Advice: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? Yes, baby lips.
Question for doctor: Should I have a baby after 35? No, 35 children is enough.
Question for doctor: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? Yes, baby lips.
Do I have to have a baby shower? Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Question for doctor: Where is the best place to store breast milk? In your breasts.
Question for doctor: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? Childbirth.
Question for doctor: How long is the average woman in labor? Whatever she says, divided by two.
Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it.
Question for doctor: When will my baby move? With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Question for doctor: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? When you see teeth marks.
Question for doctor: What are the terrible twos? Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Pregnancy Advice: What is the most common pregnancy craving? For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Question for doctor: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? Yes, pregnancy.
Question for doctor: What is the most common pregnancy craving? For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Question for doctor: When is the best time to get an epidural? Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Question for doctor: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids? Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Pregnancy Advice: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant? Have sex once a year.
Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.
Pregnancy Advice: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Pregnancy Advice: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Pregnancy Advice: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? Cause you're fatter then they are.
Question for doctor: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Question for doctor: How does one sanitize nipples? Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Question for doctor: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Question for doctor: What does it mean when my baby is born with teeth? It means that you may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Question for doctor: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? When the kids are in college.
Question for doctor: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. So what's your question?
Pregnancy Advice: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. So what's your question, dork?
What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Pregnancy Advice: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Pregnancy Advice: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Question for doctor: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Question for doctor: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? Yes, your bladder.
Pregnancy Advice: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Question for doctor: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning? It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Pregnancy Advice: Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? Depends on what you're doing with them.
Pregnancy Advice: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Question for doctor: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool. "Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool." "Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"
Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions. Son: Father, Can I ask you a question? Father: Ok ask. Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor. Father: !!!??????!!!
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom!"
One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings. The boy asked hid Dad, "What are these Pop?" "They're smart pills son," said his father. "Eat them and they'll make you smarter." So he ate them and said, "Yuck...these taste like poop!" "See," said his father, "you're already getting smarter!"
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. "It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."
One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to church...." As she was running she tripped and fell. When she got back up she began praying again... "Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!
There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store check-out line. The first little baby says, "Ugh, look at this - my mom just bought strained plums!" The second baby says, "You think that's bad - my mom just bought strained peas!" And the third baby says... "You think you guys got it bad? How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!"
This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and... "Where does mommy live?" "Minneapolis." "Where does grandma live?" "Baltimore." "Where does grandpa live?" "Baltimore." "And where does daddy live?" "At work!" Needless to say, he took the morning off that next day...

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