Old Age Jokes!As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again." Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."So I wrote down: ID10T. I used to like Eric, the little bastard.
A senior citizens' group charters an overnight gambling casino bus trip from Tampa, Florida to Branson, MO. As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, "I've just been molested!" The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down. A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies? About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too. The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles. "Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver. "I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it, it runs away!"
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?" And the man says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off." Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?" And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
"When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea and a half a dozen eggs. You can't do that now. Too many fuckin' security cameras."
Senior Health Care Solution: So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore. Is this a great country or what?
Ramblings of a Retired Mind: I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
Ramblings of a Retired Mind: I made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
Ramblings of a Retired Mind: You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
Ramblings of a Retired Mind: I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
Ramblings of a Retired Mind: I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
Ramblings of a Retired Mind: I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
Ramblings of a Retired Mind: I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
Ramblings of a Retired Mind: Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
Ramblings of a Retired Mind: I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
Ramblings of a Retired Mind: I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great Doc and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that, Doc?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story: "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and he never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'! Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
OLD EDITORS do it with a red pen
OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay
OLD DIVERS never die, they just flop
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD KIDS never die, they just grow up
OLD SOLDIERS never die, young ones do
OLD WANTS never die, they become needs
I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD TRASH never dies, they just bury it
OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted
OLD METEORS never die, they just burn up
OLD KIDS never die, they just adulterate
OLD PILOTS never die, they just buzz off
OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just go cold
OLD PUNTERS never die, they just go horse
OLD SCOTS never die, but they can be kilt
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD DIVERS never die, they just get board
OLD CANNERS never die, they are preserved
OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out
OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate
OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just kick-off
OLD DANCERS never die, they just step away
OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away
OLD HAMS never die, they just get grounded
OLD HIKERS never die, they just trail away
OLD BRAKES never die, they just grind down
OLD SPELUNKERS never die, they just cave in
OLD RAILROADERS never die, they just derail
OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out
OLD FARMERS never die, they just spade away
OLD COOKS never die, they just get deranged
OLD DIETERS never die, they just waist away
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwind
OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed
OLD SOLDIERS never die, they just fade away
OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear
OLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine away
OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADED
OLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over
OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off
OLD RAIN PUDDLES never die, they just dry up
OLD PLASTIC never dies, they just recycle it
OLD CREDIT CARDS never die, they just expire
OLD COMPOSERS never die, they just decompose
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte it
OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away
OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just check out
OLD MP's never die, they just attain peerage
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just float away
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross." The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..." The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."