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Military Jokes!

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him. Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." The room fell silent. God Bless the enlisted man.
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
What is Iraq's national bird? Duck.
In Fighter Pilot Heaven: There is no Hell.
Military Wisdom: The easy way is always mined.
What is the best Iraqi job? Foreign Ambassador
How do you play Iraqi bingo? B-52...F-16...A-10
What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving? Turkey.
Air Force Wisdom: The easy way is always mined.
Army Wisdom: Incoming fire has the right of way.
Military Wisdom: When in doubt empty the magazine.
Army Wisdom: If the enemy is in range, so are you.
In Fighter Pilot Heaven: You never run out of gas.
In Fighter Pilot Heaven: The airplanes never break.
Army Wisdom: Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
Military Wisdom: Incoming fire has the right of way.
Military Wisdom: Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
Military Wisdom: If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Air Force Wisdom: Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
In Fighter Pilot Heaven: There are no Flight Surgeons.
In Fighter Pilot Heaven: There are no Wing staff jobs.
Military Wisdom: Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common? Nothing, yet.
Military Wisdom: Five second fuses only last three seconds.
Military Wisdom: If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
In Fighter Pilot Heaven: There are never any noise complaints.
Army Wisdom: If it's stupid but works, it really isn't stupid.
In Fighter Pilot Heaven: You fly three times a day except Friday.
Ways to Amuse Yourself During Air Force Urinalysis: Wear a diaper.
Military Wisdom: Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
Ways to Amuse Yourself During Air Force Urinalysis: Wear a condom.
Army Wisdom: If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.
In Fighter Pilot Heaven: Beer is free, but whiskey costs five cents.
Military Wisdom: Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
Army Wisdom: If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
Military Wisdom: Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper? They need a map.
Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss ? He elected to receive.
Military Wisdom: When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
Military Wisdom: If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper? They need a map....
Army Wisdom: If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
In Fighter Pilot Heaven: Country and Western music is free on the juke box.
Military Wisdom: Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing dothing.
In Fighter Pilot Heaven: You are always on TDY and there are no check rides.
In Fighter Pilot Heaven: You only come to work when you're going to fly....
In Fighter Pilot Heaven: Everybody's a Captain except God.... He's a Major.
In Fighter Pilot Heaven: It is always VFR and there are never any ATC delays.
Military Wisdom: If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
Military Wisdom: The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
In Fighter Pilot Heaven: Full afterburner climbs over your house are encouraged.
Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see their Air Force.
In Fighter Pilot Heaven: There are no ORI's (Operational Readiness Inspections).
Military Wisdom: Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone? Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Air Force Wisdom: Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
Military Wisdom: Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
In Fighter Pilot Heaven: Flight suits are allowed in the Officers Club at all times.
In Fighter Pilot Heaven: There is no SOF (Supervisor of Flying) or mobile tower duty.

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