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Life Jokes!

You can't expect the unexpected, otherwise there would be no need for the word unexpected!
Everything in life is important, important things are simple, simple things are never easy!
The probability of being observed is in direct proportion to the stupidity of ones actions!
The harder you work the more people there will be to claim credit except when it backfires!
A shatterproof object will always fall on the only surface hard enough to crack or break it!
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy!
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions!
Sex is like snow: you never know how many inches you'll get or how long it is going to last!
Every new song can be sung to an old tune, although it could lead to major copyright lawsuits!
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent!
The greater the value of the rug, the greater the probability that the cat will throw up on it!
No amount of political freedom will ever satisfy the hungry masses. Only McDonalds can do that!
One should not attribute to evil design any unfortunate result which can be attributed to error!
No matter how perfect things are made to appear, Murphy's law will take effect and screw it up!
The More the number of laws you claim to have, the more the number of laws you are going to miss!
In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there!
In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right ... something is wrong!
If it looks good, And it taste good, And it feels good, There s got to be something wrong with it!
You will never leave a parking space without someone in an adjacent space leaving at the same time!
The likelihood of something happening is in inverse proportion to the desirability of it happening!
If Murphy's law is correct, everything East of the San Andreas Fault will slide into the Atlantic!
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up! (Project Management at its best)
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill!
Nothing should be attributed to conspiracy that can be explained by error or a succession of errors!
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence!
And ye shall know the truth, and the truth will set ye free, not including the 8% sales tax, that is!
If you lose something that is replaceable as soon as you buy a replacement the original will surface!
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does!
A valuable falling in a hard to reach place will be exactly at the distance of the tip of your fingers!
Laws are like a spider web, in that it snares the poor and weak while the rich and powerful break them!
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives!
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions!
Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer!
Whatever you want to do, is Not possible, what ever is possible for you to do, you don't want to do it!
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, the pessimist fears this is true!
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery!
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning!
Behind every little problem there's a larger problem, waiting for the little problem to get out of the way!
Stupidity is the fundamental driving force of the Universe, which explains why stupid people always go wrong!
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet!
The probability of rain is inversely proportional to the size of the umbrella you carry around with you all day!
I can only please one person a day, and today doesn't look like your day...tomorrow doesn't look good, either!
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever!
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster!
When something goes wrong, you cannot find the solution in the instruction booklet, but someone else always does!
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience!
After you bought a replacement for something you've lost and searched for everywhere, you'll find the original!
No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper!
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself!
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends!
The probability of the toast landing peanut-butter-side-down is directly proportionate to the cost of the carpeting!
It is never in the last place you look. It is in the first place you look, but never discovered on the first attempt!
My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying!


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