Little Johnny Jokes!A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!" Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!" Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"
Johnny: Dad, what is a weapon? Father: Well, Son, that's something you fight with. Johnny: Is Mom your weapon?
Mom and Dad sat little Johnnie down and asked him what he wanted for his birthday. Johnnie said, "Umm, uhh, I wanna watch!" So, they let him.
Little Johnny's 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. "Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?" Johnny says, "God, I'm coming!!"
"Little Johnny, what does your Daddy do for a living?", the teacher asked. Johnny answered, "My Daddy is a dildo maker and he says my mommy is a test pilot"
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?." The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?" Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and shouts, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!" "Then I have DEFINITELY shit my pants!"
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny's turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, "Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy." "That was a very misguided thing to do, my son," said the priest patiently. "It wasn't misguided at all," said Little Johnny. "I hit him."
Little Johnny to Billy, "You know, Jane Smith cheats!" "Why do you say that?" asked Billy. "Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine - but it turns out she hasn't got one!" exclaimed Little Johnny.
The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network."
Little Johnny and Suzie were playing on the porch, when the little girl asked, "Hey, do you wanna get undressed and play Doctor?" Little Johnny replied, "That's too old fashioned... spit out your gum and let's play President!"
Little Johnny asked his Sunday school teacher, "Do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" The teacher said, "I imagine he did." Little Johnny asked, "Well, he couldn't have caught many, with only two worms."
Ms Crabtree had been telling her 1st grade class the story of the discovery of America by Columbus. She concluded with, "And all this happened more than 500 years ago." "Gosh!" exclaimed Little Johnny, "What a great memory you have!"
The teacher spent the entire hour reading to her class about the bison family. When she had finished, she said, "Name some things that are very dangerous to get near to and have horns." Little Johnny spoke up without hesitation, "Automobiles?"
Little Johnny was watching his mother in the bath and pointing to the slit between her legs asked, "What's that, mommy?" His mom, a little surprised, said, "That's where daddy hit me with the axe." "Good shot," said Johnny, "right in your pussy!"
Little Johnny came home one night rather depressed. "What's the matter." asked his mother. "Aw, gee," said Little Johnny, "it's my grades. They're all wet." "What do you mean 'all wet?'" asked his mother. "You know," he replied, "below C-level."
Little Johnny is walking down the street when a car pulls up. The car door opens and a man says, "Hey little boy, I'll give you a piece of candy if you'll come in the car." Little Johnny says, "Hell, If you give me the whole bag, I'll come in your mouth!"
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?" The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right." "That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"
The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten. "Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?" "On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.
Little Johnny was taking confession, and he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked. The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Little Johnny, indeed, it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" "To make myself beautiful," she answered. She then began to remove the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" Little Johnny started. "Giving up so soon?"
A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?" "Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa.. "And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest. "Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.
Teacher: "Class; How many seconds are in a minute?" Jane: "60 teacher!" Teacher: "Very good Jane!!!" Teacher: "Class; How many seconds are in a year?" Johnny: "12 teacher!" Teacher: "Say what Johnny?" Johnny: "Second of January, second of February, second of March."
Little Johnny was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?" "That's your father," she replied. "Then who's that old bald-headed fat bastard who lives with us now?" retorted Little Johnny.
"Little Johnny, do you know your numbers?" "Yes, teacher, I do! My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" "Four," answered Little Johnny. "Good. What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good, Johnny, your father did a good job. Now, what comes after ten?" "Jack!"
The teacher asks Little Johnny "Which body part goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny replies "The feet miss" So the teacher says "Why the feet?" And Little Johnny says "Because when I go in my mummys bedroom at night she has her legs in the air shouting 'Oh my God I'm coming'"
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, Daddy! What are you doin'?" His father replied, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank." Little Johnny remarks, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage, cause the postman filled her this morning."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
Six year-old Little Johnny walked into a saloon and said to the barmaid, "Give me a Scotch on the rocks." "You're just a kid," said the barmaid. "Do you want to get me in trouble?" "Maybe in a couple of years," replied Little Johnny. "But in the meantime, I'd still like that Scotch."
"Why do you look so glum today?" the teacher asked young Johnny. "I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled. "You poor dear," said the teacher. "Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?" "In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast."
Little Johnny asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not! Where did you hear such nonsense?" Little Johnny answered, "The other day, when Daddy and his friend were working out in the garage he said that he screwed the a$$ off his secretary"
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raised his hand and blurted out, "You'd be his wife!"
Little Johnny and Billy were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. Little Johnny said, "My father is better than your father." Billy said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." Little Johnny paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."
One day a teacher told her student's to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply. When time was over she called on a student named Johnny he said this is the process of having sex. He said, first you add the bed, subtract the clothes, then divide the legs and hope you don't multiply.
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother. A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Little Johnny wanted $100 for a new bike and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the local postmaster saw the letter addressed to "God, USA," he decided to send it to the President of the United States. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Little Johnny was delighted with the $5 and wrote a thank-you note to God. It read: "Dear God, thank you for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C. As usual, those crooks deducted $95."