Jewish Jokes!Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen. He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"
Q. Why are Jewish men with pierced ears well prepared for marriage? A. Because they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!" Several men stood up as the lights came on. An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, Jewish girl?"
A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to heaven," she replied. The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"
There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of exactly when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation. Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow. David: Oh? What are they going to do? Ali: Circumcise me! David: I had that done when I was just a few days old. Ali: Did it hurt? David: I couldn't walk for a year!
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench talking about how much their sons love them. Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is; he loves his mother." Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll." Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one day. He was wishing something wonderful would happen to his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...!" Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it! Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?" In a matter of moments, Meyer purchased the bird and carried the parrot home. All night long he talked with the parrot...in Yiddish. The parrot listened while sharing some walnuts. The next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot wanted to pray, too. Meyer hand made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot also wanted to read Hebrew, so Meyer spent months teaching him the Torah. On Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed, and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot pleaded and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder. Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the rabbi. At first, the rabbi refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced him that the parrot could pray. Wagers were made on whether the parrot could speak Yiddish or not. All eyes were on the two of them during services. The parrot was still perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed...but the parrot didn't say a word. Annoyed, Meyer said "Pray, parrot! You can pray...do it now while everybody's looking at you!" The parrot said nothing. After services were over, Meyer realized he owed the synagogue over four thousand dollars. He marched home, saying nothing. Finally, several blocks from the temple, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird...you cost me over four thousand dollars today. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And, after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah...Why did you do this to me?" "Don't be an idiot," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"
American-Yiddish Dictionary: JEWBILATION - Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
American-Yiddish Dictionary: TORAHFIED - Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
American-Yiddish Dictionary: CHUTZPAPA - A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 AM so she can change the baby's diaper.
American-Yiddish Dictionary: DISORIYENTA - When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
American-Yiddish Dictionary: MISHPOCHAMARKS - The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
American-Yiddish Dictionary: ROSH HASHANANA - A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
American-Yiddish Dictionary: FEELAWFUL - Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
American-Yiddish Dictionary: KINDERSCHLEP - To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
American-Yiddish Dictionary: OYVAYSMEAR - What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.
American-Yiddish Dictionary: JEWDO - A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
Jewish Country Songs: Honkey Tonk Nights On The Golden Heigh lo.
Jewish Country Songs: I Was One Of The Chosen People 'Til She Chose Somebody Else.
Jewish Country Songs: Stand By Your Merch.
Jewish Country Songs: I'm Crying In The Manischewitz.
Jewish Country Songs: The Shikoas Gonna Hit The Fan!
Jewish Country Songs: Four Thousand Years Of Sufferin' And I Had To Go And Marry You.
Jewish Country Songs: Eighteen Wheels And A Dozen Latkes.
Jewish Country Songs: You've Been Talkin' Hebrew In Your Sleep Since The Rabbi's Come To Town.
Jewish Country Songs: You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me Schiemiel.
Jewish Country Songs: Yippee Ko Yi Oy!
What is a Jews biggest dilemma? Free pork!
Why did the Jew want his own kid? Cheap labor.
Where does the Jew look for dates? Porn sites.
What do Jews and blacks both like to ride? Blondes.
Don't be humble; you are not that great. Golda Meir
What did the Jew say to the bank teller? I want MORE!
God will pardon me. It's His business. Heinrich Heine
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it!
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to!
A Jewish telegram: "Start worrying. Details to follow."
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
Why does the Jew hate his own reputation? The truth hurts!
Why don't Jews eat pork? The Torah prohibits cannibalism.
Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider? Netanyahoo.
Define "Genius." A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
Why did the gas company fire the Jew? He was allergic to gas.
What is a Jew's ideal of a perfect 10? Any blonde he can get.
Why is the rhinoceros jealous of Jews? Jews have bigger noses.
Why did the Mohel retire? He just couldn't cut it anymore.
Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother. Peter Malkin
Humility is no substitute for a good personality. Fran Lebowitz
What's the difference between a Jew and a Canoe? A canoe tips!
Why does a Jew pick his nose? It's cheaper than using a tissue.
Why are Jews' pants so big? So they don't need to buy a wallet.
Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money. Arthur Miller
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx
When a Jew throws a party, what do his guests drive?The goys crazy!
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. Richard Lewis
What do you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage? Genghis Cohen.
What repulsive thing can be found in a Jew's clothes? The occupant.
How was copper wire invented? Two Jews fighting over the same penny!
If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be. A fur coat.
Why did the Jew rush to the discount store? The ad said: "CHEAP!!!"
What is the worst stain on a Jew's underwear? Lipstick from a Jewess.
A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. Sam Goldwyn
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. Milton Berle
What is the title of the Jew favorite how-to-book? "How to Make Money!"
Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering!
What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position? Facing Tiffany's.
What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers? "'Is anything OK?"
What did the sunbather shout at the Jew? No, I won't PAY you for sunshine!
When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault. Henry Kissinger
What's the name of a face lotion developed for Jewish women? Oil of Oy Vay!
What time is bed time at the Jew's house? When electricity is too expensive.
What has a big nose, stinks, and acts like a repulsive jerk? The typical Jew.
What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish Woman? The "Plaintiff."
Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. Ernie Kovacs
With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink. George Burns
Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? Under the vacuum cleaner!
Have you heard about the Jewish sports car? It stops on a dime, then picks it up!
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. Benjamin Disraeali
What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers? Is ANYTHING all right?
If Microsoft were Jewish your PC would shut down automatically on Friday evenings!
What kind of cheese melts on a piece of matza to make a Passover pizza? Matzarello!
Q. What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails so long and beautiful? A. Nothing, nothing at all.