Jay Leno Jokes!Catholic Definitions: Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not produced by David Letterman.
Here's the latest word from Wall Street: 'Ahhhh!'
I tell you, I went to my ATM machine today; it gave me an IOU.
In fact, do you know what the highest-paying line of work is in America right now? Jury duty.
And as you know, on Friday, Washington passed the big 'Save our CEOs' program. That thing passed.
Five billion. You know, between the porn industry and Congress, I don't know who's screwed more people.
As you know, tonight's the night kids going around asking for handouts. Same thing Wall Street did about a month ago.
And according to a federal report, unemployment claims went up by 300,000. And that's just Republicans in Washington.
Hey, look, I don't want to say the stock market is unstable, but this morning, the opening bell was rung by Paula Abdul.
The U.S. Mint announced this week they are redesigning the penny. Have you seen it? It looks exactly like the old dollar.
Don't you love how these guys care nothing about the working man? The working girl, oh, they'll give her all the money.
To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!
I'll tell you, to give you an idea how bad the economy is, Wall Street investors are now clinging to their guns and religion.
Listen to this. If any of these jokes bomb tonight, the federal government will step in and bail me out. Whew! Thank goodness.
I tell you, the economy is so bad, even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
Now, here's how bad the economy is. There are now Americans taking jobs away from illegal aliens. That's how bad it's gotten.
Speaking of that, the new Treasury secretary nominee, Timothy Geithner, has come up with a plan to lower taxes. Don't pay them!
In a speech about the economy, President Bush said, 'Our actions are having an impact.' Yeah, I think it's called a recession.
I saw a guy on Hollywood Boulevard said to a hooker 'What can I get for an extra 50?' She said '100 shares of General Motors.'
General Motors announced they are selling two of their private jets. The bad news? They're being bought by the executives at AIG.
Well, President Bush said this is good, the price falling, because see now people can afford to drive the cars they're living in.
Here's some good news.The government is talking about stimulus checks again. The bad news? We're the ones that are writing them.
President Bush has a plan to get us out of this financial mess. It takes place in January when he leaves office, that's the first step.
Happy Halloween, everybody. Man, I saw the scariest costume. A little kid knocked on my door dressed as a 401(k). Scared me half to death.
And the car companies don't like the word 'bailout.' They prefer to call it a '24-hour bail-a-thon! Come on down! Everything must go!'
You know, what happened to the old days when we had corporations we could trust, like Enron and WorldCom? Where are those blue chip companies.
Well, it looks like Guantanamo Bay is going to be closed. Hey, that shows you how tough times are, when even terrorists are losing their homes.
Today was the big day for online shopping. This is known as Cyber Monday. Did you know that? And of course, tomorrow is Identity Theft Tuesday.
Right after the vote, President Bush met behind closed doors with his economic team. Yeah, that was my thought too. Bush has an economic team?"
Big story in USA Today today. They said the days of easy money are over. Well, I'll bet the CEOs of the oil companies had a big laugh over that.
Fashion experts say that President Bush is helping bring back cowboy boots and cowboy hats. See, so it is not just for male strippers anymore ...
According to a new poll, women are more pessimistic about the economy recovering than men. You know why? Because men are in charge of the economy.
Welcome to 'The Tonight Show.' I have some wonderful news for you. Everyone in our audience tonight is getting a Federal bailout. Congratulations!
Neiman Marcus announced they are cutting 400 jobs. See, I knew this would happen when the Republicans took away Sarah Palin's campaign credit card.
Well, the market went down over 700 points today. Oh, that reminds me. You know, we turn our clocks back soon. We're turning it back to 1929, I believe.
I think the economy is starting to turn around. In fact today, instead of just shooting animals for food, Sarah Palin is back shooting them for fun again.
This bill went from a three-page document to the size of a novel. Literally. It's the size of a book. You know what that means? Bush will never read it now.
You know what the definition of recession is? A recession is two consecutive quarters of declining productivity. Or, as the Clippers call that, 'halftime.'
President Bush made a surprise visit to Detroit today. Honestly, people in Detroit are upset with him, but I understand auto workers threw brake shoes at him.
As you know the bailout was voted down. Oh my God. People are stunned. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, if she could have made a facial expression, she would have.
Let me ask you something: didn't we buy this company? Don't we own it now? Why don't we all show up at the Ritz-Carlton next week. Hey, where's our massage?
Barack Obama says one of his top priorities once he becomes president is closing down Guantanamo Bay. To make sure it closes, he's going to turn it into a bank.
The U.S. Post Office announced they could run out of cash by the end of the year. They said they're in serious danger of becoming a bank. That's how bad it is.
Oh, General Motors fell to its lowest level since 1950, not a good sign. In fact, in terms of carmakers, General Motors is now third behind Tonka and Hot Wheels.
You think President Bush even understands what's going on? Like, today, they asked about the credit crunch, he said it was his favorite candy bar. He has no idea.
And, of course, Congress, both parties continue to point fingers at each other, as opposed to the rest of the country, which is just giving the finger to Congress.
Why is it every time we have a government crisis, we reverse to feudalism? We need a mortgage duke. A duke of mortgages. We need an energy ayatollah in this country.
And the Senate voted on this bailout package again tonight. Senator Larry Craig missed the vote. I understand he was in the men's room, introducing his own package.
And this week, they will flip the switch on the White House Christmas tree, which has over 25,000 lights on it, one light for every CEO that's looking for a bailout.
And how about this for nerve? This is unbelievable. The porn industry is now asking for a $5 billion federal bailout. The porn industry. Talk about a stimulus package.
President Bush had a press conference today outside the Oval Office to talk about the economy. He would have had it inside, but, you know, the bank has foreclosed on it.
I tell you, the economy is bad. In fact, today -- you know the White House turkey? Turned down the pardon. Said all his money's in the market. Nothing left to live for.
Another good day for the stock market. Up almost 400 points today. Yeah, listen to this. If this keeps up every day for the next three years, we'll almost be even again.
It's great to be here in Los Angeles, what's left of it. These wildfires continuing to burn here in LA. I haven't seen anything go up in smoke like this since my 401(K).
And yesterday, Senator Chris Dodd said that the bailout plan would put the Constitution at risk, to which Bush said, 'Oh, please, we haven't used that old thing in years.'
Before we begin, I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e-mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.