Hockey Jokes!What the LA Kings like about their new building: Felt really bad that a team in a podunk city like St. Louis got to play in a monument to yuppies, but they didn't.
Things heard when Dougie Gilour became 20th all-time leading goal scorer: "Just goes to show what happens when you stick around till damn near your 60th birthday."
Overheard in the Blues locker room after All-Star selections were announced: "Hey, coach, watch out for radioactive waves bouncing off the plate in Bowman's head."
Why the NHL should include Arkansas in future expansion plans: The addition of NHL players (even Marty McSorley) couldn't help but raise the average I.Q. in the state.
Things heard when Dougie Gilour became 20th all-time leading goal scorer: "This would have happened sooner if they'd just let me count that score on the babysitter."
Reasons Phoenix Coyote fans wear white: Like poor attendance, disinterested fans, and underachieving teams, Phoenix is trying to carry on all of the Winnipeg traditions.
Why the NHL should include Arkansas in future expansion plans: Regardless of how bad the team is, it wouldn't be the most embarrassing thing to ever come out of the state.
Ways the NHL could award losing teams with one point: When the losing team's top goon actually succeeds in getting the winning team's top goon to drop his gloves and fight.
Things heard when Dougie Gilour became 20th all-time leading goal scorer: "I'd be in 10th place if that cheap bastard Wirtz would just get us some real players around here."
Reason Florida Panters are for sale: Losing too much money trying to keep the ice frozen in South Florida. Everyone keeps stealing it for mixed drinks out under the palm trees!
Marty McSorely excuses for the slash on Donald Brashear: "I thought the league didn't care if I whacked people as long as I didn't call anyone a politically-incorrect name."
Reason hockey is superior to football: You don't have to tolerate a dictatorial, know-it-all, commissioner who's dragging the quality of the product down. (Oops, scratch that).
Reason Florida Panters are for sale: Signing free agent Ray Sheppard means Huizenga will have to wait to put a deposit down on that sixth South Florida mansion he's had his eye on!
You know you've been in the minors too long when...the front Office says they are looking forward to the time you can become coach after your playing days are over in a few seasons!
Top hockey golie gifts: For the significant other on your list, here's one that won't cost you a penny: After the game, you can "tend to his/her equipment", if you know what I mean.
Reasons why they score on you: Being a stop-rated NHL goalie, being traded to a cold Canadian city, not getting the money you deserve, and having to play in Las Vegas (Curtis Joseph only)
Overheard in the Blues locker room after All-Star selections were announced: "I'm sure glad Hitchcock's not coaching again this year. This time we might get to eat some of the post-game buffet."
Disadvantages of being a hockey goaltender: Being a stop-rated NHL goalie, being traded to a cold Canadian city, not getting the money you deserve, and having to play in Las Vegas (Curtis Joseph only)
Marty McSorely excuses for the slash on Donald Brashear: "A guy named 'Jeffio' bribed me because he wanted to get a guy named 'Frank Cusumano' to quit talking about basketball for just five minutes."
Reason hockey is superior to football: In hockey, the last line of defense is always the goaltender. In football, many times the last line of defense is a pint-sized punter (although we have to admit it's fun to watch him get his ass run over!)
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened. Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while." Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey." Andy responded, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Montreal, Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Montreal," the manager asked. The boy said, "Well sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Montreal!" The boy replied, "No kidding???? What position did she play?"
Descriptions of Team Postions: Team Coach: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, Is more powerful than a locomotive, Is faster than a speeding bullet, Walks on water, Gives policy to God! Team Captain: Leaps short buildings with single bound, Is more powerful than a switch engine, Is just as fast as a speeding bullet, Walks on water if the sea is calm, Talks with God! Assistant Captain: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, Is almost as powerful as a switch engine, Is faster than a speeding BB, Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool, Talks with God if special request is granted! Defenseman: Barely clears a quonset hut, Loses tug-of-war with a switch engine, Can fire a speeding bullet, Swims well, Is occasionally addressed by God! Forward: Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings, Is run over by a locomotive, Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury, Dog paddles, Talks to animals! Rookie: Runs into buildings, Recognizes locomotive two out of three times, Is not issued ammunition, Can't stay afloat with a life preserver, Talks to walls! Referee: Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings, Says "Look at the Choo-choo!" Wets himself with a water pistol, Plays in mud puddles, Mumbles to himself! Goalie: Lifts buildings and walks under them, Kicks locomotives off the tracks, Catches speeding bullets with his teeth and eats them, Freezes water with a single glance (who needs a Zamboni?), He is God!