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Hockey Jokes!

Comments from Washington Capitals fans: We sucked so bad, even the New York Rangers were heard to say, "Man, those guys sucked!"
Overheard in the Blues locker room after All-Star selections were announced: "Hey, Prongs, whack Numminen one for me, would ya?"
Things heard when Dougie Gilour became 20th all-time leading goal scorer: "Anybody seen my teeth? I've got an interview to do."
Signs your uniforms aren't the best: All local media blinded after unveiling of new "sporty" team uniforms at press conference!
You know you've been in the minors too long when...your coach tells you to tutor a couple of rookies over next couple of seasons!
Marty McSorely excuses for the slash on Donald Brashear: "I've been seeing too much of McGwire, Sosa, and Griffey in the media."
Reasons why the Flyers hired Roger Neilson as head coach: Part of a league-wide plan to have Neilson coach every team at least once!
You know you've been in the minors too long when...your team decides to change its nickname to the "Fighting (YOUR LAST NAME)'s!"
Pet peeves of hockey goaltenders: When jealous back-up goalie follows them around in locker room screaming, "Hey, glove this, pal!"
Ways the NHL could award losing teams with one point: When the losing team threatens to hire Mike Keenan unless they get their point.
What the LA Kings like about their new building: Tried for years, but couldn't get that outdoor rink to work in Southern California.
What the LA Kings like about their new building: Feel like it's a wonderful tribute to the great L.A. hockey fans -- all 237 of them.
Things Brian Sutter will say to Darryl at Christmas: "You might have the last of our brothers, but I'll get the first of our sons."
Things Brian Sutter will say to Darryl at Christmas: "I've got steers on the farm that can skate better than most of my defensemen."
Why the NHL should include Arkansas in future expansion plans: Like Nashville, toothless players and toothless fans make a great match.
Reasons why the Flyers hired Roger Neilson as head coach: Wanted a new coach in place before Eric Lindros recovered from his concussion!
Things Brian Sutter will say to Darryl at Christmas: "You think you're bad? We can go out behind the barn and settle this right now!"
Comments heard at the NHL All-Star game: The good thing about Fox coverage is that they don't put so much emphasis on actual live goals!
Claude Lemieux's "To do list" before the playoffs: Take Jeff Odgers, Francois Leroux, Warren Rychel, and Adam Deadmarsh out to dinner!
Reason Florida Panters are for sale: The club that employs Pavol Bure is now concerned with escalating salaries and lack of a salary-cap!
Reason Florida Panters are for sale: Huizenga needs all the money he can get to keep Jimmy Johnson in hair gel and Dan Marino in Geratol!
Comments heard at the NHL All-Star game: What we need is an All Slash Hackey Game where all those cheap-shot assholes can kill each other!
Claude Lemieux's "To do list" before the playoffs: Work on positioning, especially hiding behind the linesmen when someone is after him!
Pet peeves of hockey goaltenders: Every day, for the rest of their life, they will not have a good reason for dropping anything ever again!
Why the NHL should include Arkansas in future expansion plans: Chicken King Don Tyson needs a team to compete with "them Wal-Mart folks!"
You know you've been in the minors too long when...your team decides to name their arena after you, since you've spent so much time there!
Why the NHL should include Arkansas in future expansion plans: Just what the Blues and Red Wings need: another patsy in the Central Division.
Why the NHL should include Arkansas in future expansion plans: The ice in Little Rock couldn't be worse than in any of the other new arenas.
Reasons why the Flyers hired Roger Neilson as head coach: Anyone who learned his trade under Orval Tessier and Bob Pulford has to be a genius!
Why the NHL should include Arkansas in future expansion plans: It's not like any of Buttman's other choices have been real strokes of genius.
Reasons why the Flyers hired Roger Neilson as head coach: Got a kickback from Pepto-Bismol because they knew Jimmy Roberts' intake would go up!
Overheard in the Blues locker room after All-Star selections were announced: "Shouldn't the French Canadians have to play for the World Team?"
Reason Florida Panters are for sale: Owner Wayne Huizenga already sold the Florida Marlins, and they won a World Championship. Why keep this dog?
Top hockey golie gifts: Patrick Roy's newest instructional video: "How to alienate a whole city in three easy steps" (endorsed by Mike Keenan)
Why the NHL should include Arkansas in future expansion plans: Doug Gilmour could play in a state where sex with a 13 year old isn't frowned upon.
Overheard in the Blues locker room after All-Star selections were announced: "Say, Ellett, didn't you play in an All-Star game with Dit Clapper?"
Ways the NHL could award losing teams with one point: Home team should get a point if the ice doesn't cause any pulled hamstrings or crazy bounces.
Things Brian Sutter will say to Darryl at Christmas: "Give me Owen Nolan, Vinnie Damphousse, and Patrick Marleau, and I'd be in first place too."
Reasons why the Flyers hired Roger Neilson as head coach: Thought Neilson would make a better scapegoat than Cashman after this year's playoff flop!
Things heard when Dougie Gilour became 20th all-time leading goal scorer: "It sure didn't hurt playing with Federko and Sutter for a few seasons."
Overheard in the Blues locker room after All-Star selections were announced: "See if you can injure all three World goalies with your slapshot, Al."
Things heard when Dougie Gilour became 20th all-time leading goal scorer: "Bet the Blues, Leafs, and Devils are all wishing I still played for them."
Comments heard at the NHL All-Star game: The great thing about the ref-cam is you can tell how often (and how far) they have their head up their asses!
Things heard when Dougie Gilour became 20th all-time leading goal scorer: "Any chance this will help us dump his overpaid ass by the trade deadline?"
Overheard in the Blues locker room after All-Star selections were announced: "Cool, I wasn't selected. Now I can go to Jeffio's party that weekend."
Things heard when Dougie Gilour became 20th all-time leading goal scorer: "This would be more enjoyable if I weren't playing for this sorry-ass team!"
Things Brian Sutter will say to Darryl at Christmas: "Well, sure, you've got millions of dollars and Dean Lombardi; I've got no money and Al Coates."
Comments from Washington Capitals fans: Lopsided? Like Pamela Anderson Lee half way through her reduction surgery. Pathetic? Like a Winger come-back tour!
Overheard in the Blues locker room after All-Star selections were announced: "Don't sweat it, Roman. The guys who pick these things are goddamn idiots."
Why the NHL should include Arkansas in future expansion plans: Excluding the U of A basketball team, there are no other professional sports to compete with.
You know the fans will be out of hand when...half your Team Fan Club was arrested for trying to beat up a little old lady wearing an opponents' team jersey!
Comments heard at the NHL All-Star game: Explain again why it's the National Hockey League when it's played in two countries by guys from all over the world!
Reason Florida Panters are for sale: Stock price concerns outrank the need to win the Stanley Cup. Thank goodness the Lauries don't share this mixed up priority!

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