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Hockey Jokes!

You know your new teammate is a rookie when...Everyone mispronounces his last name and he won't say anything about it!
Marty McSorely excuses for the slash on Donald Brashear: "They should never put a stick in the hands of an Irishman."
Marty McSorely excuses for the slash on Donald Brashear: "I shouldn't have taken those pills Kevin Stevens gave me."
Things heard when Dougie Gilour became 20th all-time leading goal scorer: "Another milestone for yet another ex-Blue."
Kevin Steven's pickup lines: I might be excited to meet you, or I might have a rolled up Game Night Revue in my pocket!
Reasons why the Flyers hired Roger Neilson as head coach: Wayne Cashman was spending too much time partying with Jeffio!
Hockey terms Canadians should know: Hooking-- What the gal in the thigh-length boots up in Section 14 does for a living!
Complaints of playing for Mike Keenan: Locks you alone in rooms for hours on end in order to "psych" you up for games!
Complaints of playing for Mike Keenan: Don't mind referring to him as "Your excellency", but having to kiss his ring!
Signs you household name recognition is low: Your agent says "SHOW ME YOUR I.D.!", when you say "SHOW ME THE MONEY!"
Disadvantages of being a hockey goaltender: The opposite sex just doesn't understand why you have to wear a mask to bed!
Overheard in the Blues locker room after All-Star selections were announced: "Don't blame me, I voted for Ross Perot."
Things Chris Cheliso likes about playing in Detroit: With Larionov, Murphy, and Macoun around, he feels like a kid again!
Things Chris Cheliso likes about playing in Detroit: New boss: free-spending pizza baron; old boss: penny-pinching drunk!
Complaints of playing for Mike Keenan: He trades away 3 of your friends and all your pads for an Orangutan and 4 bananas!
Things Chris Cheliso likes about playing in Detroit: The Red Wings don't suck anywhere near as bad as the Blackhawks do!
Things heard when Dougie Gilour became 20th all-time leading goal scorer: "If only I still scored as much off the ice."
Reasons why the Flyers hired Roger Neilson as head coach: Bobby Clarke wanted Neilson to teach him how to program his VCR!
Ways the NHL could award losing teams with one point: When their GM punches the opposing coach in the nose after the game.
Claude Lemieux's "To do list" before the playoffs: Prepare responses for when the media points out what a coward he is!
You know the fans will be out of hand when...fights in the crowd are starting over "What's the Zamboni driver's name?"
You know you've been in the minors too long when...your team considers your input on changing team's uniforms important!
Reasons Phoenix Coyote fans wear white: We aren't sure, but we'd bet if someone told them all to jump off a bridge . . .
Reasons hockey is catching on in Texas: All the wetbacks on their way to Oklahoma looking for work need a way to kill time!
Kevin Steven's pickup lines: I'm not like the others. I won't say a thing about goin' five-hole (but I'm thinking it).
Things heard when Dougie Gilour became 20th all-time leading goal scorer: "He's still not worth what we're paying him."
Ways the NHL could award losing teams with one point: When losers don't whine about all the non-calls in the third period.
Signs you household name recognition is low: You've been traded for 25 lbs. of strawberries and a fruit to-be-named-later!
Signs you household name recognition is low: Coach keeps calling you "Skippy" because he doesn't remember your real name!
Top hockey golie gifts: A contract with a real NHL team, instead of an IHL or a contract in hockey hell (Curtis Joesph only)
Things Brian Sutter will say to Darryl at Christmas: "Did you stop by and see Shauneequa last time you were in St. Louis?"
Advantages of being a hockey goaltender: Flexibility can be useful in other entertainment ventures, if you know what I mean.
Advantages of being a hockey goaltender: Detroit Red Wing goalies look like Santa; can earn extra money during the holidays.
You know you've been in the minors too long when...you've seen some of your ex-teammates' kids come up through the minors!
Things Chris Cheliso likes about playing in Detroit: With this bunch of candy-asses he actually looks like a tough guy again!
Least popular items at The Blue Note Sports Shop: Any Blues sweater with red in it (not really unpopular, but it ought to be)
Hockey terms Canadians should know: Stanley Cup-- Trophy awarded to championship team just prior to opening of training camp!
Things worse than Pronger breaking his ankle: Going to the game with an Irishwoman, an Irishman, and a guy from goddamn Idaho!
Hockey terms Canadians should know: Penalty Box-- Good place for TV closeups of players mouthing the "F" word at each other!
Reasons hockey is catching on in Texas: Found out it's fun to watch a sport where the players aren't always getting arrested!
Marty McSorely excuses for the slash on Donald Brashear: "I got a kickback from CCM for showing how tough their helmets are."
Pet peeves of hockey goaltenders: Goal judges at away games who constantly make wisecracks about "burning out the goal lamp!"
Complaints of playing for Mike Keenan: Decides to trade you, then doesn't, only to go through with it next day, then back off!
Hockey terms Canadians should know: Overtime-- Bar where players drink for free after closing time so owner can feel important!
Overheard in the Blues locker room after All-Star selections were announced: "Damn, Chaser, how did they overlook you again?"
Ways Scotty Bowman spent time while healing: Calling all his former employers and asking if they were still glad they fired him!
Things Brian Sutter will say to Darryl at Christmas: "Hey, there's a new guy in Calgary who has a really good deal on teeth."
Least popular items at The Blue Note Sports Shop: "Commitment" motivational poster featuring Wayne Gretzky in a Blues sweater!
Ways the NHL could award losing teams with one point: When the prettiest woman in the stands bares her breasts on the JumboTron.
What the LA Kings like about their new building: Fans are much less surly when they don't get mugged in Inglewood before games.
Top religious promotions we would like to see: Southern Baptist No Drinking, No Smoking, No Dancing, No Music, And No Fun Night!
Claude Lemieux's "To do list" before the playoffs: Make sure his wife is safe when Detroit, and Brendan Shanahan, are in town!
You know your new teammate is a rookie when...He freezes up every time he's interviewed and says "Uhhhh... ummmm... uhhhh...".
Reasons why the Flyers hired Roger Neilson as head coach: Saw how much new coaches have helped Tampa Bay, Vancouver, and Florida!
Things grant Fuhr says to Wing players: I was winning games before you could read, Maltby. Oh, never mind, you still can't read.
Things Brian Sutter will say to Darryl at Christmas: "I've been kicking your ass for forty years, don't make me do it again."
Comments from Washington Capitals fans: How ugly was it? Janet Reno's worthy of the cover of the SI Swimsuit Issue by comparison!
Marty McSorely excuses for the slash on Donald Brashear: "Spending those months playing with Jo-Jo Murphy really screwed me up."

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