Golf Jokes!A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"
A man went to the confessional. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my son?" the priest asked. "Well," the man started, "I used some horrible language this week, and I feel absolutely terrible." "When did you use this awful language?" asked the priest. "I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a power line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about a hundred yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." "Is that when you swore?" "Well, no. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons, and flew away!" "Is that when you swore?" asked the amazed priest. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear then?" "No, because as the ball felt it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole." The priest signed, "You missed the putt, didn't you?"
A man goes out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, he?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." "They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl. "And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."
Always concede the fourth putt!
The only downwind holes are par threes!
Nobody ever coughs on your follow through!
Laws of golfing: Palm trees eat golf balls!
Handicaps are designed to keep you in your place!
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs!
Laws of golfing: All 3-woods are demon-possessed!
The shorter the putt, the smaller the hole becomes!
Your best drive of the day finishes in a divot hole!
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil!
In most medal rounds, you start badly then fade away!
Immediately you put on your raincoat it stops raining!
Foursomes golf means always having to say you're sorry!
Spike marks always deflect your ball away from the hole!
What is a handicapped golfer? One who plays with his boss!
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot!
Lagging a putt from three feet means you've got the yips!
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it!
Waterproof trousers cannot be removed without falling over!
The reserve glove you have kept for wet weather has shrunk!
You know it's too wet to play golf when your cart capsizes!
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt: for a 10!
Your first hole-in-one is always achieved when playing alone!
Finding the key to a better game means opening a lot of doors!
What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125? A foursome!
If you're out in 39 and home in 45 you're playing wartime golf!
Greens are hollow-tined and dressed the day before a competition!
Golf things that sound dirty but aren't: Nuts...my shaft is bent!
Bunkers have the unnerving habit of rushing out to meet your ball!
The latest piece of written instruction never works on the course!
Laws of golfing: Golf should be given up at least twice per month!
This remark ensures that you finish with a string of double-bogeys!
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play!
Your favourite golf sweater is the one that gets shrunk in the wash!
Out-of-bounds fences are located a foot the wrong side of your ball!
Whenever you take your clubs on vacation, you leave your game behind!
Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball!
Golf carts always break down at the furthest point from the clubhouse!
Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money - Lee Trevino
Keeping your head down means you'll be looking at a very large divot!
The love of your life either hates golf or is a better player than you!
Golf is the only game in which you fail to win 99 per cent of the time!
Laws of golfing: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty!
It's always the next round that will find you playing your normal game!
The first tee shot following a lesson travels 20 yards along the ground!
Golf things that sound dirty but aren't: Mind if I join your threesome?
Golf things that sound dirty but aren't: Look at the size of his putter!
Whatever the rule for a particular situation, you've probably broken it!
"Well we were martied for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do."
The more you play a course the more obsessed you become with its dangers!
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is probably not yours!
When there is one minute left to get to the first tee, a shoelace breaks!
Shots that finish close to the pin are never as close when you get there!
The number of practice balls recovered is always less than the number hit!
Passing lorry-drivers always shout 'Fore' at the top of your back swing!
The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun!
Golf things that sound dirty but aren't: After 18 holes I can barely walk!
Laws of golfing: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man!
Hitting an iron off the tee for safety means same direction, less distance!
Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture: Winston Churchill.