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Football Jokes!

Old quarterbacks never die. They just pass away!
What's big, black, fat, and frozen? Refrigerated Perry
What division is Len Bias playing on now? Six foot and under!
What does the average Jacksonville player get on his SATs? Drool!
He wore number 53. Unfortunately, that was his combined SAT score!
He's so huge, instead of a number he should have a license plate!
Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back!
They call it their nickel defense, because that's what it's worth!
What should you do when 19 guys are running at you? Throw the football!
Football is a game of inches, and that's how some teams move the ball!
The only way they can gain yardage is to run their game films backward!
Pro linemen are so huge that it takes just four of them to make a dozen!
I would have played football, but I have an intestinal problem - no guts!
The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year. 12 arrests and 5 convictions!
How do you get a Tennessee graduate off your porch? Pay him for the pizza!
Our players have a lot on the ball. Unfortunately, it's never their hands!
Our offensive line was so good that even our backs couldn't get through it!
I knew that he was on steroids. His I.Q. and neck size were the same number!
What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60? Four Jets fans watching a football game!
Our quarterback knows how to do everything with a football except autograph it!
Why can't John Elway use the phone anymore? Because he can't find the receiver!
Why is the pitch at Kansas City so Green? Cuz they keep putting lots of shit on it!
He retired due to illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of his coaching!
Our linebacker is so strong he can pitch horseshoes while they're still on the horse!
How do the Cowboys spend the first week of training camp? Studying the Miranda Rights!
What do you get when you put 28 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth!
We have lots of veterans on this year's squad. Too bad they're all from World War II!
How many Vikings does it take to win a Superbowl? No one knows, and we may never find out!
We have so many players on the disabled list the team bus can park in a handicapped space!
How do you kill a NY Giants fan when he's been drinking? Slam the toilet seat on his head.
We play in a dome stadium. We always prefer to kick with the air-conditioning at our backs!
Why does John Elway eat his cereal from a plate? Because he's lost all three of his bowls.
What do you get when you cross a defensive lineman with a prostitute? A quarter-ton pickup!
That linebacker has rung so many bells he has a fan club consisting entirely of Avon ladies!
This team employs their famous "Doughnut Defense" the one with the big hole in the middle!
Wife to friend:"The most exciting play of the season was when Fred sat on the cheese dip!"
What's the difference between the Green bay Packers and Cheerios? Cheerios belongs in a bowl!
This year I can assure you that we are going to move the ball. I just hope that it's forward!
What do flowers and Len Bias have in common? They both die two days after they've been picked!
Husband: "Hey, Marie, do you have anything you want to say before the football season starts?"
You know that your coaching job is in trouble when the marching band forms a noose at half-time!
"I know I told you that I loved you more than football, honey, but that was during the strike!"
Why is the Oakland football team like a possum? Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road!
What do birthday candles and the Buffalo Bills have in common? They get blown out on the same day every year!
Where in Chicago is the safest place during a tornado? Soldier Field because you rarely see a touchdown there!
What do the Green Bay Packers and The Los Angeles Police Department have in common? Neither can stop a Bronco!
As John Madden says, "If you see a defensive line with a lot of dirt on their backs, they've had a bad day!"
The place kicker missed his attempt at a field goal. He was so angry, he went to kick himself and missed again!
I thought one of the linemen had a tattoo on his leg but it turned out to be a government meat inspection stamp!
The L.A. Rams have a new line of cologne. It's a little different though; you wear it and the other guy scores!
What's the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill? You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Why can't Michael Irvin be in the Cowboy huddle anymore? It's a parole violation for him to associate with known felons!
Know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw couldn't be used? No matter where you sat, you were behind a Pole!
Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings. -- George Will.
Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website? Because they couldn't put three W's in a row.
What do Billy Graham and the Buffalo football team have in common? They can both make a stadium of 50,000 people say "Oh, Jesus!"
We were in a really tough game. Our quarterback started praying, and we heard a distant voice say, "Please don't include me in this!"
The coach says his favorite play is the one where one of our players pitches the ball back to the official after he has scored a touchdown!
To give you an idea of the kind of season we've had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed.
The Definition of an optimist: A Buffalo Bills fan waiting at Buffalo Niagara International Airport for the Bills to return from winning the Super Bowl!
Did you hear about the world's dumbest center? They had to stencil on his pants: This End Up. On his shoes they put, T. G. I. F., "Toes go in first!"
Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois? On the first offense they give you Bears tickets, and on the second offense, they make you use them!
I say let's make football more entertaining and give the quarterback something else to think about. Let's arm each middle linebacker with a coconut custard pie!
Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them!
The coach was marching on the field alongside the band. A majorette threw her baton in the air and then dropped it. A fan yelled, "Hey, I see you coach the band, too!"
Some chickens were in a yard when a football flew over the fence. A rooster walked by and said, "I'm not complaining, girls, but look at the work they're doing next door!"
The coach was always a step ahead of all opposing coaches. When they started the two-platoon system, he had a three-platoon system one on offense, one on defense, and one to go to classes!
I gave up my hope of being a star halfback the second day of practice. One tackle grabbed my left leg, another grabbed my right leg, and the linebacker looked at me and said, "Make a wish!"
In the Ohio State Buckeyes locker room in Columbus, there's a sign stating - "Play like champions today!" There's also one in the Michigan Wolverines locker room that says: "Don't forget your HELMET!"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "I'm a bit worried - can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Of course," replies the doctor, "Where do you think Chicago bears fans come from?"

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