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IN THE HOLE! Golf


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Fart Jokes!

Two guys are in a locker room when one notices the other has a cork up his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a big fella in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish." And I said, "No shit!"
2 Blokes (Japanese and American) are playing golf. The Japanese guy is getting ready to tee off and suddenly starts talking to his thumb. American bloke says: "What you doin?" "Oh, don't worry, with Microtechnology I have a Microphone in my thumb. I was just recording a message." The 2 men carry on golfing, but all of a sudden the American man makes a funny sound, that amazingly sounds like a fart. The Japanese man looks over at him. 'Oh,' says the American. "Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax."
A guy sits in front of TV all day, farting like there's no tomorrow. But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog puke. The wife, understandably is angry as f**k, and says: "one day Honey, you are gonna fart your guts out." The next Sunday, as wife is preparing turkey for Sunday lunch, Hubbie falls asleep. The wife spies an opportunity to get her own back, so she takes the innards of the turkey and places them in the underwear her husband is wearing. She then went back to cooking the turkey. Later on that night, her husband came to the dinner table looking very frightened. "What happened?" asked his wife. "Well," the man said, "you were right. I farted my guts out." "What did you do?" asked his wife. "Well with the Grace of God and these two fingers I got 'em all back up in there!"
An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
What is Green and Smelly? - The Hulk's farts.
Why fart and waste when you can burp and taste?
If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would fart.
What do you call "fart" in German? Farfrompoopin!
Confucius say: Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
What do you get if you eat beans and onions? Tear Gas.
Your ass is so tight: You fart and only dogs can hear it.
Why do farts stink? So that deaf people can enjoy them also!
What do you call a fart? A turd honking for the right of way.
Confucius say, Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
What happened to the blind skunk? He fell in love with a fart.
You're so poor: You had to fart in your pocket to make a scent.
Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.
What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public? A private tutor!
Hi, you're through to the Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
What's the definition of bravery? A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
What did the maxi-pad say to the fart? You are the wind beneath my wings.
Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans!
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
What would you call the definition of surprise? Answer: A fart with a lump in it.
How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles swell.
Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player? He wanted to buy a bowel.
Why don't little girls fart? Because they don't have assholes until they're married.
You know, one time I farted so badly that I had to spend 15 years in jail....for air pollution.
A skeleton was trying to fart in a crowded place. But in the end it couldn't 'cos it had no guts.
What is the sharpest thing in the world? A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.
A belch is just one gust of wind, that cometh from thy heart, but should it take the downward trend, it turns into a fart.
If you're an American when you go into the bathroom, and an American when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom? Eur - o - pean.
There was a young man from Rangoon...Whose farts could be heard to the moon. When you'd least expect 'em, They'd burst from his rectum...With the force of a raging typhoon.
Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny," To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants then..."
Funny euphemisms people use for farts ... Gravy Pants, Firing Scud Missiles, Turd Honking, Mud Duck, Panty Burps, Pant Stainers, Cut the Cheese, Trouser Cough, K-Fart, Crack Splitters, Turd Tooties, Anal Audio, Great Brown Cloud, Exercising the meat nozzle.
"Doctor, I've had problems with silent gas emissions. At home, work, or at church I get lots of silent gas emissions. As a matter of fact I've had three sitting here talking to you. What are we going to do?" "The first thing we're going to do is check your hearing"
A bloke is taking a piss down a lane when a Copper spots him. "Oi Guvnor, you cant do that here!!! It'll cost you a 45 quid fine." The bloke gives him a 50 quid note and the Cop says: "But I haven't any change" "No worries, you can keep it," says the bloke..."cos I dropped a couple of farts as well...."
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me..Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Two guys are in a locker room when one notices the other has a cork up his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a Big Fella in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish." And I said, "No shit."
This bloke went out one night to a night club. He met a beautiful woman there. So he starts chatting to her. After an hour of conversation, she askes him to go back to her place. They get there and he tells her that he's a virgin. She say's 'no problem, I'll show you'. The first thing she does is a 69er and she tells him what it's called. A few seconds into it she lets the biggest fart let rip. The bloke says 'Fuck this I'm not sticking around for another 68 of those'.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. "You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
WHEN YOU SHOULD NEVER FART: 1. Inside a crowded Lift. 2. Inside a public library. 3. On a crowded train. 4. Whilst giving a speech. 5. In Church. 6. Whilst on a date. 7. In a packed lecture theatre. 8. In your office. 9. At a cinema. 10. In a walk-in freezer - it'll linger a while 11. In a ticket line. 13. On an airplane. 14. During confession 15. In the bed, whilst feeling frisky. 16. In bed when you're feeling frisky 17. While fighting fire in a burning building 19. In a patrol car for a minor violation
2 Blokes (Japanese and American) are playing golf. The Japanese guy is getting ready to tee off and suddenly starts talking to his thumb. American bloke says: "What you doin?" "Oh, don't worry, with Microtechnology I have a Microphone in my thumb. I was just recording a message." The 2 men carry on golfing, but all of a sudden the American man makes a funny sound, that amazingly sounds like a fart. The Japanese man looks over at him. 'Oh,' says the American. "Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax."
A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?" The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, 7 nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?" She replies "Touchdown, tie score." The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."
WHEN TO FART: 1. Bosses office as you are about to leave. - best to make sure it's silent but violent. 2. In a bathroom. 3. In the cashiers line - it's bound to speed things up. 4. The empty elevator before you get off. 5. Beside an occupied dressing room - no doubt it'll quickly become unnocupied. 6. Your co-workers cubicle at the office. 7. When deep sea diving. 8. Back seat of the Police Mobile after being arrested. 9. In your car if you've been carjacked. 10. During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.

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