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Family Jokes!

Diane (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
What did 50 cent say to his grandmother who gave him a sweater she had made him? A: G-U-NIT
Things That You'll Never Hear A Father Say: Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!
Things That You'll Never Hear A Father Say: I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
Father: How are your grades, son? Son: Under water, Dad. Father: Under water? What do you mean? Son: They're below C level
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card." Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Things That You'll Never Hear A Father Say: What do I want for Father's day? Aahh, don't worry about that. It's no big deal.
Things That You'll Never Hear A Father Say: What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?
Things That You'll Never Hear A Father Say: Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. Here's $100.
Things That You'll Never Hear A Father Say: Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
Things That You'll Never Hear A Father Say: Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
Steven (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
Susan (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
Things That You'll Never Hear A Father Say: You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
Jack (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
"Have you been a good girl?" the mother asked when she phoned her daughter. "Yes, Ma'am!" the daughter said. All those men told me I was VERY good!"
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
Things That You'll Never Hear A Father Say: No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
One day a boy asked his grandpa, "Grandpa can you make a frog sound?" The grandfather asked why? The boy said, "Grandma says when you croak we are going to Hawaii."
A father was helping one of his little twins say his evening prayers. "Bless us to be good so we can return unto Thee." "Bless us to be good so we can turn on the TV."
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mom: Well, you have done the right thing. Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Marc (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them , he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
Tammy (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good; why can't you be good for nothing like your father?"
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. Quick! He said. Send an ambulance, me wife is about to have a baby! Is this her first baby? the intern asked. No ya idiot, this is her husband!
A son was filling up the form with Dad's help. He came across a question, "Mother tongue." He asked his Dad, "What should I write here, Dad?" And Dad responded, "Very long."
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
Father: If I had seven bananas and gave you three, how many would you have left? Son: I don't know. Father: You don't know! Why not? Son: At school we do all of our arithmetic in apples and oranges.
Girl : "Mom, what is husband ? Mom : "Beti, when you will grow & will become a good girl! you will get one. " Girl : "If I do not become good girl ?" Mom : "Then you will get many !!!!! "
Clinton (age 5) was in his bedroom lookin g worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
Father: If you pass your examination, I will give you a two-wheeler. Son: Will it be a scooter or a cycle? Father: As you wish. Son: And if I fail? Father: Then I will give you a three-wheeler--a cycle rickshaw.
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?" The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."
Young son: Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you're perfect? Father: She does? Wow! How do you know? Young son: I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith. Father: When was that? Young son: Just before she used the word idiot.
A gang-member was holding his 8 month old baby while his wife was in kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother". The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"
Melanie (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
Tom called his kids together, held up a toy and said that the one who never talked back to mother and did everything she said would be the one to get the toy. Three small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you can have it."
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" lovingly proud daddy asked. "I don't know Dad," she replied. "I can't read."
Things That You'll Never Hear A Father Say: Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."
James (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, a young girl said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor animal suffered so you could have that?" Her mother shot her an angry look, "How dare you talk about your father like that?"
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!" "You're too late, Honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."
"Mother," said a little boy after coming from a walk. "I've seen a man who makes horses." "Are you sure?" asked his mother. "Yes," he replied. "He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on his feet."
"Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle the middle-of-the-night feeding?" "No. I always did that." "That must have been before you had women's liberation." "No, it was before we had baby bottles."
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family waiting for the news, "We had twins!" The family was so excited, they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?" The father paused, smiled and said, "Each other."
Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right. "So tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"
A young lass confesses to her mother that she's pregnant. Following the initial bawling-out, the mother calms down and asks, "Well, is he going to do the 'right' thing?" "Of course, mom!" replied the daughter. "He says I can keep the baby."
Grandma says, "Boy, I'm really worn out. I remember being exhausted when our kids were babies, Ben. Now, with grandkids, I'm exhausted all over again!" Grandpa replies, "It's to be expected, Bea. Why do you think they call folks our age re-tired?"
"Oh, Mom!" sobbed Mary, "I'm pregnant!" "What? How could you?" screamed the mother, "And just who is the father?" The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed, "How should I know? You're the one who would never let me go steady!"
My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful." A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"
Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?" Her mother asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one."
My five-year-old son called his mother from his friend Steven's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. "But, Mom," he said, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Mrs. Smith says it was irreplaceable."

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