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Elvis Presley Jokes!

Signs You're Being Stalked By an Elvis Impersonator: Note in mailbox requests that you rub him tender.
Signs You're Being Stalked By an Elvis Impersonator: Security camera shows the guy only from the waist up.
Signs You're Being Stalked By an Elvis Impersonator: That stripper last night had some mighty bushy sideburns.
Signs You're Being Stalked By an Elvis Impersonator: To prove his love, he offers to buy you a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88.
Signs You're Being Stalked By an Elvis Impersonator: Whenever he throws you his sweaty towel, it's been soaked in chloroform.
Signs You're Being Stalked By an Elvis Impersonator: Stalking "gigs" arranged in advance by someone identifying himself only as "The Colonel."
Signs You're Being Stalked By an Elvis Impersonator: All of the dark, threatening messages on your voice mail feature the Jordanaires crooning in the background.
Signs You're Being Stalked By an Elvis Impersonator: Out of the corner of your eye, you catch a glimpse of him kicking the crap out of a Michael Jackson impersonator.
Signs You're Being Stalked By an Elvis Impersonator: He's still right there, wedged in the window from trying to sneak into your house, like a sequined Winnie-the-Pooh.
Signs You're Being Stalked By an Elvis Impersonator: Creepy mystery love notes always end with "Here's hoping you and I can get together and die on a toilet sometime."
Signs You're Being Stalked By an Elvis Impersonator: Walking down the street, you don't *see* anyone following you... but every time you turn around real fast you catch a whiff of Vitalis.
Signs You're Being Stalked By an Elvis Impersonator: Well *something* big has been going through your garbage cans -- and you're pretty sure that bears don't wear white polyester and sequins.
Signs You're Being Stalked By an Elvis Impersonator: You're working late at the office. Alone. Suddenly, the phone rings. It's him. He just wanted to let you know he hasn't yet left the building.
What's a dog's fave song? Ain't nuttin but a hound dog!!
Knock Knock! Who's there! Elvis! Elvis who? Elvis-eeing you around soon!
What would Elvis be doing now if he was alive? Scratching on his coffin lid!
What's the difference between Elvis and smart blondes? Elvis has been sighted!
What's the difference between Al Gore and Elvis? Some say Elvis is still alive.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsely. What's green and dances? Fred Asparagus.
What's the difference between Elvis and JFK Jr.? Elvis was bloated BEFORE he died.
While performing one night near Jacksonville, Florida in 1990, a lady comes up to Elvis and says 'I thought you died in 1977?' Elvis replied, 'Well, I faked my death. You see, my bodyguards took me up to a cave in Arkansas and had me frozen BUT about a year ago, all of the ice melted because I guess I'm A-HUNK-A-HUNK-A-BURNING-LOVE
Elvis and Michael Jackson have already gotten into a big fight.Elvis called Michael a Hound Dog and Jackson shot back,"Eat it,fat man." Lisa Marie Presley reportedly requested general anesthesia.
To mark the 30th anniversary of Elvis Presley's death, Hershey's is introducing a limited edition peanut butter and banana Reece's Cup. Only seven will be produced, but they're expected to reappear at gas stations and restaurants throughout the Midwest.
...Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich attended the Illinois state fair where he did a karaoke impression of Elvis. His supporters were glad to see Blago do the "early" Elvis impression when he sang "Hound Dog." His detractors were hoping to see Blago do the "late" Elvis impression where he would be in a box six feet under. - Rod Blagoelvisvich.
The two "kings"of the music world - Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley - both struggled with the burden of superstardom, both shocked fans with erratic behavior, and both were spotted yesterday leaving a 7-Eleven.
There were these three bears. The papa bear liked beer, the mama bear liked beans, and the baby bear liked listening to Elvis Presley records. One day, while the bears were out for a walk, a mouse came out of his mousehole. He jumped up on the table and drank all of papa bear's beer, ate all of mama bear's beans, and started to listen to baby bear's Elvis Presley records. Then he heard the bears coming home, so he jumped back into his mouse hole. But he forgot to turn the record player off. The bears walked into the kitchen. Papa bear roared, "Somebody's been drinking my beer!" Mama bear growled, "Somebody's been eating my beans!" And baby bear squeaked, "Somebody's been playing my Elvis Presley records and forgot to turn the record player off!" Just then the mouse staggered out of the hole and replied, "Hiccup! Fart! I'm All Shook Up!"
Elvis vs. Jesus: JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd. JESUS was a carpenter. ELVIS' favorite high school class was wood shop. JESUS was part of the Trinity. ELVIS' very first band was a trio. JESUS' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. ELVIS' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members. JESUS is a Capricorn.(December 25) ELVIS is a Capricorn.(January 8) JESUS was the lamb of God. ELVIS had mutton chop sideburns. JESUS' Father is everywhere. ELVIS' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit. JESUS said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink."(John 7:37) ELVIS said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957) JESUS fasted for 40 days and nights. ELVIS had irregular eating habits.(eg: 5 banana splits for breakfast) JESUS said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas. "[JESUS'] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3) ELVIS wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts. JESUS said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) ELVIS said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA 1956) JESUS walked on water.(Matthew 14:25) ELVIS surfed on water. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965) JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters. ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters. JESUS had his famous Resurrection. ELVIS had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special. JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land. ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.
Jesus vs. Elvis: Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956) Jesus is the Lord's shepherd. Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd. Jesus was part of the Trinity. Elvis' first band was a trio. Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965) Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members. Jesus was resurrected. Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special. Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37) Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957) Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights. Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast) Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25) Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8) Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew) Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute) [Jesus'] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow. (Matthew 28:3) Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightening bolts. Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land. Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state. Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception. Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School. Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God. Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings. Jesus was the lamb of God. Elvis had mutton chop sideburns. Jesus' Father is everywhere. Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit. Jesus was a carpenter. Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop. Jesus wore a crown of thorns. Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler. Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters. Elvis Presley has 12 letters. No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for. No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was Aron or Aaron. Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
Father O'Malley has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married, and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So he decides to go to the United States before he is too old to enjoy it. He hops on a plane bound for Nevada. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "ELVIS! OH MY GOD! IT'S ELVIS! I knew you weren't dead, Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis." The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops into his cab, and he's a little upset so tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing, Sir.  OH MY GOD! IT'S ELVIS! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to SEE you again!" "Shut up, you imbecile," says the Father. "I'm NOT Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S YOU! screams the hotel clerk. "YOU'RE BACK, ELVIS! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complimentary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!" Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you..Thank you very much!"

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