Doctor Jokes!Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!" Several men stood up as the lights came on. An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, Jewish girl?"
A rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000. The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things: 1 screw $1.00. Knowing how to put it in $4999.00....$5000 total. The businessman promptly paid.
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?" And the man says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off." Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?" And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole!
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!"
A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. "Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients." "Yes, sir!" answers Ole. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks,"So, Ole, how was your day?" Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol." "Bravo, mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Ole. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her panties and lies down on the table and shouts, "Help me...I haven't seen a man in over two years!" "Tunderin' lard yeezus, Ole, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes!"
A woman, calling a hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better." The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" She said, "Yes, darling! She's Betty Sanders, in room 1012." He said, "Oh, yes. Ms. Sanders is doing very well. In fact, she's had three meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Bertran is going to send her home the day after tomorrow." The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!" The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!" She said, "I'm Betty Sanders in 1012! My doctor, never tells me anything."
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics. "How much do you weigh?", she asked. "135," I replied. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180. The nurse asked: "Your height?" "5 feet, 6 inches," I answered. The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 feet, 3 inches. She then took my blood pressure and told me that it's very high. "Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat." She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different. A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!" "That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?" "I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!" "One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously. "Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist." "A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?" "Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company." The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
A fellow walks into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." She took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." She took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, where. He said, "Outside in the truck; where do you want them?"
Constipated people don't give a crap.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a dog! Sit!
Who takes care of blue balls? The Head Nurse.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a peach. Stone me!
How do deaf gynecologists work? They read lips.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bee!" "Buzz off!"
Doctor, Doctor, I'm boiling up! Just simmer down!
Doctor, Doctor, I'm terrified of mice! Hard cheese!
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery: Oops!
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a frog! Hop it!
Do you know the generic name for Viagra? Mikoxafloppin
Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm invisible. Who said that?
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a needle! I see your point!
Doctor, Doctor, my husband smells like fish! Poor sole!
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"
Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop playing Scrabble. My word!
Doctors Secret Handshakes: Pediatrician. Thumb extended.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a sheep. That's baaaaaaaaaad!
Actual Medical Quotes: "Skin somewhat pale but present."
What do you get when you mix Viagra with Rogaine? Don King.
Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a dustbin. Don't talk rubbish!
Note sent to school: "Please excuse Joyce from jim today."
Doctors Secret Handshakes: Dermatologist. Wears latex glove.
Doctor, Doctor, people think I'm a cow! Pull the udder one!
Doctors Secret Handshakes: Psychiatrist. Grasps his own hand.
He is not dead, he is electroencephalographically challenged.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a vampire. Necks please!
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bar of soap. That's life, boy!
Doctor I swallowed a bone. Are you choking? No, I really did!
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm an elephant. Tusk, tusk!
Tom: What's good for excessive wind, doctor? Doctor: A kite!
What is a Podiatrist? Someone who knows the agony of de feet.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible! Who said that?
Doctor, Doctor, I feel I'm a ball of string. Oh, get knotted!
Doctor, Doctor, I'm frightened of squirrels. You must be nuts!
Doctor, Doctor, I'm a burglar! Have you taken anything for it?
Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm an electric eel! That's shocking!
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a rugby ball! Please keep in touch!
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like an old sock. Well, I'll be darned!
What happened to the lawyer when he took Viagra? He got taller.
The first Viagra baby was born. It weighed in at 9lbs 7 inches.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a window. Tell me where the pane is!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito! Go away, sucker!
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a frog! Go on, hop it!
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a baby. Don't get rattled!
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bucket. You do look a little pail!
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a rose bush. You ought to be in bed!
Doctor, Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a yo-yo! Are you stringing me along!
What do you call a depressed dentist? A little down in the mouth.
How do two psychiatrists greet each other? You are fine. How am I?
Doctor, Doctor, everyone thinks I'm a liar! I don't believe you!
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spider! What a web of lies!
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a yo-yo. Sit down, sit down, sit down!