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Computer Jokes!

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You've got male!
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT...ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
How To Get A Life: Let go of the mouse.
How To Get A Life: Turn off the computer.
How To Get A Life: Eat something other than taco chips.
Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
Beware of...THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes)
Beware of...THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus.... (Deletes all old files)
Beware of...THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)
Why didn't the mouse cross the road? It's cord wasn't long enough!
How To Get A Life: Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.
How To Get A Life: Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.
How To Get A Life: Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name.
Beware of...THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)
How To Get A Life: Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.
How To Get A Life: Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.
You know you are addicted to the Internet when your dog has its own home page.
Question: What is the biggest oxymoron of the 1990's? Answer: Microsoft Works!
Beware of...THE CLINTON Virus....(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
MACINTOSH stands for... Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs.
How to Please Your I.T. Department: Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
How do you know if you are a geek? Your computer cost $6,000 and your car cost $ 500.00
Beware of...THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
You know you are addicted to the Internet when your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.
You know you are addicted to the Internet when the last girl you picked up was a 800x66 jpeg.
You know you are addicted to the Internet when batteries in the TV remote now last for years.
Beware of...THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
Beware of...THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
You know you are addicted to the Internet when you scan restroom stall for hot HTML addresses.
Beware of...THE PROZAC virus.... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
If Sun made toasters ... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
If Apple made toasters ... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
How To Get A Life: If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.
You know you are addicted to the Internet when the remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.
You know you are addicted to the Internet when you unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.
What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on his wedding night? "Now I know why you called your company Microsoft"
You know you are addicted to the Internet when your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
How To Get A Life: Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.
How to Please Your I.T. Department: Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
Beware of...THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
You know you are addicted to the Internet when your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed with us."
How To Get A Life: When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.
How to Please Your I.T. Department: When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
You know you are addicted to the Internet when you refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
You know you are addicted to the Internet when you're surprised to learn there's also a 2 o'clock in the "afternoon".
You know you are addicted to the Internet when you begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month "unlimited!"
Beware of...THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)
How many Bill Gates does it take to change a lightbulb? One - he puts it in the socket and lets the world revolve around him.
Beware of...THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)
You know you are addicted to the Internet when your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
How to Please Your I.T. Department: Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
You know you are addicted to the Internet when you ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
How to Please Your I.T. Department: When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
How To Get A Life: Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.
You know you are addicted to the Internet when you never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off!
This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.
How to Please Your I.T. Department: Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
You know you are addicted to the Internet when you check your email. It says "no new messages." So you check it again...and again...and again...
Did you hear about the new computer virus? It's called the "Lorena Bobbit Virus". Apparently, it turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy!
You know you are addicted to the Internet when you suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.
How to Please Your I.T. Department: When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
How to Please Your I.T. Department: When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
How to Please Your I.T. Department: When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
If Fisher Price made toasters ... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
You know you are addicted to the Internet when you step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
If Radio Shack made toasters ... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Xerox made toasters ... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters ... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
You know you are addicted to the Internet when you tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

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