Christmas Jokes!What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photographs? Someday my prints will come. (Prince)
It was so cold on Christmas Eve at the North Pole that Santa had to jump-start three of his reindeer.
Christmas Signs: At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."
What kind of candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle? Neither, candles always burn shorter!
Christmas is a time when people get emotional over family ties, particularly if they have to wear them.
Why doesn't Santa suffer from claustrophobia when climbs down the chimney? Because has had his flue jab.
What goes: now you see me, now you don't, now you see me, now you don't? A snowman on a zebra crossing!
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
What did the dog breeder get when she crossed an Irish Setter with a Pointer at Christmastime? Pointsetter
How can Santa's sleigh possibly fly through the air? You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas one has no L
Some Pick-Up Lines From Santa's Elves: "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."
They say that Santa comes but once a year. I can't understand that, considering all the bedrooms he visits.
Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel? Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they have a Neurotic Doll. It's wound up already.
What would you do if you saw Dracula, Frankenstein & The Swamp Thing? Hope they were going as a fancy dress party!
When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn't afford tinsel. We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze.
Some Pick-Up Lines From Santa's Elves: "No, no, I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks at Keebler."
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has "no EL."
What's a good holiday tip? Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
One elf said to another elf, "We had Grandma for Christmas dinner". And the other elf said, "Really? We had turkey!"
How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct? On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
There were two ships. One was painted red. One was painted blue. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb? Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!
Conduct During the Holiday Season...Running aluminum foil through a paper shredder at Kinko's to make tinsel is discouraged.
Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar, Santa drives a rusty car, Press the starter, Press the choke, Off he goes in a cloud of smoke!
Christmas Signs: In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar to remind him when payments are due."
Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas? Forty feet of track - all straight!
I know. I know. I know that people say "It's the thought that counts, not the gift", but couldn't people think a little biger!
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb? Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa Card Statement twelve months a year also.
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.
Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas? She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!
Conduct During the Holiday Season...Playing Jingle Bells on a neighbor's push-button phone during a party is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)
Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."
I bought my friend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so he'd know when to stop unwrapping.
Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.
Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?
Jones: "The Chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts on New Year's Day." Smith: "So I understand, but, then again, the Chinese don't have a Christmas the week before!"
Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
I remember my dad was chopping in a toy store. He said, "That's a terrific train set. I'll buy it." The Clerk said, "Great, I'm sure your son will love it." Dad said, "Maybe you're right. I'll take two."
Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?" said Maria, "Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Church of England ones please."
Conduct During the Holiday Season...Rental cars are not to be used to go "over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house." Endlessly singing "Frosty, the Snowman" under your breath at the mall will result in "no presents" this year.
Conduct During the Holiday Season...Letting Grampa play "Santa" in long underwear dyed red is discouraged. Several children are still in therapy as a result of last year's "incident" when Flopsy, Mopsy and Peter Cottontail made an unexpected "appearance."
Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.
Some Musical Christmas Advice Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant. "That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened."