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Christmas Jokes!

Some Pick-Up Lines From Santa's Elves: "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
Conduct During the Holiday Season...Laced Eggnog will not be secreted in Pepsi cans.
Olive? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum... you can't beat it!
Some Pick-Up Lines From Santa's Elves: "I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."
Conduct During the Holiday Season...All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25, 2012.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it " soots " him!
Why is a burning candle like being thirsty? Beacause a little water ends both of them!
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month? The letter "D"!
How to cats greet each other at Christmas? "A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year"
What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas? Sandy Claws.
What do you get if you cross Raquel Welch and Santa Claus? A thank you card from Santa.
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Because every buck is dear to him.
Christmas Signs: A Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000.
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite! A confused snowflake!
Olive? A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Why did Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer cross the road? Because he was tied to a chicken!
Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden? Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A subordinate claus.
What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail? She'd go to a re-tail shop for a new one!
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A subordinate claus!
Why does Santa wear pink underwear? He's a man. He did all his laundry in the one load.
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Because every buck is dear to him!
Why don't they have Christmas at Trinity? They can't find a virgin and three wise men!
What's the best thing to give your parents for Christmas? A list of everything you want!
What do you get if Santa comes down your chimney when the fire is a alight? Crisp Kringle
What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine? This will sleigh you.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? A: Because it " soots " him!
What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy? She gave him the cold shoulder!
When I was young we were poor. We didn't have a Christmas tree, we had a Christmas stump.
What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday? Freeze a jolly good fellow!
What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs? Anything you want because he can?t hear you!
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Santa Claustrophobia!
Some Pick-Up Lines From Santa's Elves: "Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."
What do wild animals sing at Christmastime? Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way!
What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents? Santa pause!
Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach? Because he didn't want to be recognized!
What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards? ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L !!)
Why do reindeer scratch themselves? Because they're the only ones who know where they itch.
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas? Thanks, I'll never part with it!
What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer? "First, YULE LOGon"!
Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn't concentrate.
Did you hear about the party with lots of fireworks, balloons & crackers? It went with a bang!
What did one Christmas cracker say to the other Christmas cracker? My POP is bigger than yours!
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing. It just let out a little wine.
Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage? Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
How many presents can Santa fit in an empty sack? Only one, after that it's not empty any more!
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
How do you know Santa has to be a man? No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.
What do you call an elf who steals gift wrap from the rich and gives it to the poor? Ribbon Hood!
Santa Claus is a Jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say "Ho! Ho! Ho!
What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? It was wound up already.
Did you hear about the man who went to the fancy dress party as a bone? A dog ate him in the hall!


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