Buy Poker Chips Online Top Destinations - Las VegasKegWorks.com (Dot Com Holdings of Buffalo, Inc)
Shop BudShop.com for Budweiser Gifts! TickCo Premium Seating


Shop BeachBums.com!




EconomyTravel.com




Fabric.com Deal of the Day




101inks.com
<




Worlds Largest Sugar Daddy Dating Site




Free Sample Personal Astrology Profile!




Bored at Work? Download an eBook instantly!








Get paid for your opinion.




Click for sick iced out bling and gear!




Hot, new SHUTTER SHADES! On Sale Now!




Click for sick iced out bling and gear!












Kodak Logo




DVD AVENUE








DVD Avenue Banner




Save Up To 50% On All Your Pet Needs




Free Shipping @ PetStreetMall 1




Family Fun Destinations




Cash Back Coupon!




Hotels.com Beach Destinations








Spa Destinations




Top Destinations - San Francisco




Top Destinations - Orlando




Top Destinations - New York




Top Destinations - Las Vegas




Golf Destinations








IN THE HOLE! Golf




120x90




Free body type guide - 125x125




Shop HBO for The Sopranos Special Offers




Shop the Official Coca-Cola Store!








Big discounts on magazines at booksamillion.com




Yahoo! Personals




Yahoo! Personals




















Cute Baby Contest - Enter for free!




Get Free Stuff For Your Baby!




Free Stuff For Parents at Babies Online




ForSaleByOwner.com




JC Whitney Brand








FREE domain with Go Daddy WebSite Tonight












Shop BeachBums.com!




EconomyTravel.com




Fabric.com Deal of the Day




101inks.com




Worlds Largest Sugar Daddy Dating Site




Free Sample Personal Astrology Profile!




Bored at Work? Download an eBook instantly!








Get paid for your opinion.




Click for sick iced out bling and gear!




Hot, new SHUTTER SHADES! On Sale Now!




Click for sick iced out bling and gear!












Kodak Logo




DVD AVENUE








DVD Avenue Banner




Save Up To 50% On All Your Pet Needs




Free Shipping @ PetStreetMall 1




Family Fun Destinations




Cash Back Coupon!




Hotels.com Beach Destinations








Spa Destinations




Top Destinations - San Francisco




Top Destinations - Orlando




Top Destinations - New York




Top Destinations - Las Vegas




Golf Destinations








IN THE HOLE! Golf




120x90




Free body type guide - 125x125




Shop HBO for The Sopranos Special Offers




Shop the Official Coca-Cola Store!








Big discounts on magazines at booksamillion.com




Yahoo! Personals




Yahoo! Personals




















Cute Baby Contest - Enter for free!




Get Free Stuff For Your Baby!




Free Stuff For Parents at Babies Online




ForSaleByOwner.com




JC Whitney Brand








FREE domain with Go Daddy WebSite Tonight












Shop BeachBums.com!




EconomyTravel.com




Fabric.com Deal of the Day








IN THE HOLE! Golf




120x90




Free body type guide - 125x125




Shop HBO for The Sopranos Special Offers




Shop the Official Coca-Cola Store!








Big discounts on magazines at booksamillion.com




Yahoo! Personals




Yahoo! Personals




















Cute Baby Contest - Enter for free!




Get Free Stuff For Your Baby!




Free Stuff For Parents at Babies Online




ForSaleByOwner.com




JC Whitney Brand








FREE domain with Go Daddy WebSite Tonight












Shop BeachBums.com!




EconomyTravel.com




Fabric.com Deal of the Day




Bored at Work? Download an eBook instantly!








Click for sick iced out bling and gear!




Hot, new SHUTTER SHADES! On Sale Now!



The Wine Messenger


The Wine Messenger


MR.BEER� Home Brewing Kits. American's #1 Home Brewing System. Makes a great gift!

To submit a joke for inclusion on this website, please use the form below. Simply add your name or email address, the joke, and then hit the "SUBMIT" button! Your joke will be added to these pages! Enjoy the website!

Submit Jokes Here!

Bar jokes!

Bar Quotes: Beer is good food.
A dyslexic walks into a bra...
A snake walks into a bar. Waaaa?
A baby seal walks into a club...
Bar Quotes: Draft beer, not people!
Bar Quotes: Beer: Nature's laxative.
Beer Belly - A gas tank for a sex machine.
He was a wise man who invented beer. - Plato
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
So, a guy walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he said!
Beer nuts are $1.99. Deer nuts are under a buck.
Three men walk into a bar... the forth one ducks.
Bar Quotes: Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
I have a drinking problem. I don't have any money!
Drinking Wisdom: A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
Alternative Meanings: Control: A short, ugly inmate.
Whats yellow and swings from cake to cake? Tarzipan.
An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it could happen!
A giraffe walks into a bar. "High balls are on me!"
Bar Quotes: Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar!"
Alternative Meanings: Polarize: What penguins see with.
Bar Quotes: Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
Alternative Meanings: Misty: How golfers create divots.
They who drink beer will think beer. - Washington Irving
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. - Oscar Wilde
Bar Quotes: Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore.
Two peanuts walked into a bar, and ... one was a-salted!
Bar Quotes: Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.
Alternative Meanings: Relief: What trees do each spring.
Alternative Meanings: Pharmacists: A helper on the farm.
Tow truck sign "Drink and Drive! We need the business!"
Alternative Meanings: Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
Pick-Up Line - What Sign Were You Born Under? NO Parking.
Alternative Meanings: Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
What do you call a basement full of women? A whine cellar!
Alternative Meanings: Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
The Top Rejected Beer Slogans: Beer: It's how you got here!
The Top Rejected Beer Slogans: Easier to Spell than Whiskey!
Booze is the answer, but now I can't remember the question!
A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out!
You know you had too much too drink when Roseanne looks good!
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?
Alternative Meanings: Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.
I drink to make other people interesting. - George Jean Nathan
Bar Quotes: A drink a day keeps the shrink away. [Edward Abbey]
Bar Quotes: 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Bar Quotes: It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Alternative Meanings: Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor and still hang-on!
Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c. -- W.C. Fields
What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar? A beer and a mop!
Drinking Wisdom: Wine is bottled poetry. - Robert Louis Stevenson
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
The Top Rejected Beer Slogans: The *Other* Thin Yellowish Liquid!
Bar Quotes: Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
Alternative Meanings: Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
Bar Quotes: Work is the curse of the drinking classes. [Oscar Wilde]
Alternative Meanings: Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? - Stephen Wright
A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Please, no stories!"
Bar Quotes: Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. [His reply]
Alternative Meanings: Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your wife.
The Top Rejected Beer Slogans: It's the thicker-chicker-picker-upper!
Bar Quotes: I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
Alternative Meanings: Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
The Top Rejected Beer Slogans: Numbing the Embarrassment of Being You!
Four gays in the bar and only one stool. What do they do? Turn it over!
Bar Quotes: One more drink and I'd be under the host. [Dorothy Parker]
Bar Quotes: What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
Alternative Meanings: Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
Bar Quotes: Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
Two blondes walk into the bar...You'd think one of them would of seen it!
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? - W.C. Fields
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. -- Professor Irwin Corey
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
The Top Rejected Beer Slogans: Beer: That nasty taste means it's workin'!
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Paul Hornung
The Top Rejected Beer Slogans: A decent excuse for your normal clumsy self!
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. - Homer Simpson
The Top Rejected Beer Slogans: You have to fill your bladder with something!
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman
So, this skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop."
Question: What shouldn't you wear at a coffee bar? Answer: A "tea" shirt!
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
Alternative Meanings: Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Why didn't Monica get the job at IBM? She sucked too much at her internship!
You know you had too much too drink when the parking lot seems to have moved!
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. - Catherine Zandonella
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. - Benjamin Franklin
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. - Kaiser Wilhelm
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. - Tom Waits
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin
Bar Quotes: If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing...
Alternative Meanings: Sudafed: Bring litigation against a government official.
Alternative Meanings: Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Why don't Cubans take showers? A: Because they are always washing up on shore.
You know you had too much too drink when you say, "I'm as jober as a sudge."
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - Dean Martin
Sober - Defined: The condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? A:So they have somewhere to put their ankles.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. -- H.L. Mencken
You know you had too much too drink when your idea of cutting back is less salt!
Alternative Meanings: Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Alternative Meanings: Left Bank: What a robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Why did the blonde get on the roof of the bar She heard drinks were on the house!
An amnesiac walks into a tavern and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"
Why is Australian beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. - David Moulton
If God had intended us to drinkbeer, He would have given us stomachs. - David Daye
You know you had too much too drink when your twin sons are named Barley and Hops!
The Top Rejected Beer Slogans: We don't make the urine. We make the urine faster!
You know you had too much too drink when you can focus better with one eye closed!
What's the difference between and Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk!
You know you had too much too drink when you lose arguments with inanimate objects!
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. - David Daye
Bar Quotes: Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat. [David Geary]
You know you had too much too drink when the whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in!
Definition of sober: The condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
Alternative Meanings: Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. - Humphrey Bogart
You know you had too much too drink when mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you!
The Top Rejected Beer Slogans: Beer: Getting sorority girls knocked up for 300 years!
"Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine." -- David Moulton
Beer Warning Labels: WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre... so the barman gave her one!
Bar Quotes: A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
You know you had too much too drink when your job is interfering with you're drinking!
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
How did the drunk break his leg while taking a walk in the gutter? He fell of the roof.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.
What does Coors Light and having sex in a boat have in common? There both close to water!
Drinking Wisdom: Beer is the cause and solution to all of life's problems. Homer Simpson
A pizza walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A pizza walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here!"
Drinking Wisdom: I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on.
How did the drunk break his leg while taking a walk in the gutter? A: He fell of the roof.
Bar Quotes: I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. [Tom Waits]
You know you had too much too drink when that stupid pink elephant followed you home again!
You know you had too much too drink when the shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering!
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? A: Because every buck is dear to him.
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
Bar Quotes: Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. [David Moulton]
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can! -- Leo Durocher
You know you had too much too drink when at AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink. - G.K. Chesterton
Drinking Wisdom: One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
Bar Quotes: If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. [David Daye]
Two condoms walking past a gay bar. One turns to the other and says "Wanna go get shit faced?"
Bar Quotes: Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Bar Quotes: The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. [Humphrey Bogart]
Beer Warning Labels: WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
Drinking Wisdom: "Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink."
You know you had too much too drink when your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream!
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. - Ernest Hemingway
Beer Warning Labels: WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Bar Quotes: You don't like jail? Naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there. [Charles Bukowski]
The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician: She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible.
You know you had too much too drink when the back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat!
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -- Ernest Hemingway
Drinking Wisdom: This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. - William Butler Yeats
A guy walks into a bar on the moon and says to the bartender "Hey, there's no atmosphere in here!"
Bar Quotes: Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. [Lady Astor to Winston Churchill]
So two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here."
A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - Ambrose Bierce
Drinking Wisdom: "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up . . . reading." - Henny Youngman
You know you had too much too drink when your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts!
You know you had too much too drink when you don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass!
You know you had too much too drink when you sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group!
A shrimp walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, ... but we don't serve food here..."
A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
A guy goes into a Chinese bar and says, "How 'bout a Stoly?" The bartender says, "Once upon a time...
Drinking Wisdom: "I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver." - Phil Harris
One drunk says to another in a bar, "if your parents never had children, you most likely won't either!"
The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician: Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.
This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down..."
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. - Winston Churchill
You know you had too much too drink when you have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth!
Bar Quotes: All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow. [Dave Barry]
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road!"
Beer Warning Labels: WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
Beer Warning Labels: WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.
An Irishman, a Italian and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. - Ernest Hemingway
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road!"
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. - Ernest Hemmingway
Your momma is so fat . . . When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton to announce it.
Drinking Wisdom: "The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid."
Two penguins walk into a bar...a third penguin says. "You'd have thought the second one would have seen it!"
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician: "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the Hell out of Grandma.
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk... a) Innovative b) Preliminary c) Proliferation d) Cinnamon
Two gays walking past the funeral parlour, one says "fancy popping in and sucking down a couple of cold ones?"
Drinking Wisdom: Stay busy, get plenty of exercise, and don't drink too much. Then again, don't drink too little.
You know you had too much too drink when Senator's Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you!
Drinking Wisdom: "An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools." Ernest Hemmingway
The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician: Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on.
Drinking Wisdom: Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. - W.C. Fields
Some Bacon and an egg walk into a bar. The bartender stops them and says "sorry, we don't serve breakfast in here."
Drinking Wisdom: "Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth." - Steve Allen
A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?" The corn stalk says, "I'm all ears!"
A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?"
Drinking Wisdom: "If your doctor warns that you have to watch your drinking, find a bar with a mirror." - John Mooney
You know you had too much too drink when you say, "Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!"
Irish Coffee is the perfect breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol.
The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician: Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger.
A five-dollar bill walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Get outta here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar!
A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're out of your skull!"
Beer Troubleshooting: Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song. Fault: Beer is just right. Action: Play air guitar!
Drinking Wisdom: I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. - W.C. Fields
What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a Tupperware party? They're both out looking for a tight seal!"
Drinking Wisdom: Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living. - Jean Kerr
You know you had too much too drink when you think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women!
Drinking Wisdom: "Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say, "I'm thirsty, not dirty". - Joe Lewis
Bar Quotes: Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm and says "two pints please, one for me and one for the road."
The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician: His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. - For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. - Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
An arctic seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," said the seal.
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
You know you had too much too drink when every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive!
Beer Troubleshooting: Symptom: Room seems unusually dark. Fault: Bar has closed. Action: Confirm home address with bartender!
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. - Deep Thought, Jack Handy
A lady walks into a lesbian bar and orders a Bloody Mary. A blonde walks over to her and asked, "Where do you know me from?"
A Canadian guy walks into a bar, on the stool next to him is some footwear. The says to the bartender, "What's this - a boot?
Drinking Wisdom: Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. - Ernest Hemingway
A tiger walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a whiskey and . . . . a packet of peanuts. The barman says, why the big pause?"
A goldfish flops into a pub and looks at the barkeep. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water!"
Beer Troubleshooting: Symptom: Beer is crystal-clear. Fault: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Action: Punch him!
The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician: Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of The Magnificent Flatulo.
A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!" The chicken says, "That's OK I just want a drink!"
The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician: Her "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half? "Ohshitohshitohshit!!"
The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician: Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love."
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.
Liquor is like love. The first kiss is magic. The second is great. The third is usual. After that you just take your clothes off!
Beer Troubleshooting: Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. Fault: Glass empty. Action: Get someone to buy you another beer!
Beer Warning Labels: WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.
A guy walks into a bar and says "I'm so thirsty I could like the sweat off a cow's balls." a guy in the corner says "Moooo!"
One guy says to another, "Does beer make you smarter?" The other guy says, "I don't know but, I heard that it made Bud wiser."
Beer Troubleshooting: Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts. Fault: You have fallen forward. Action: Have yourself leashed to bar!
Drinking Wisdom: "I told the stewardess liquor for three." - "Who are the other two? - "Oh, there are no other two."- James Bond
The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician: His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into "liquid gold" -- eventually.
Beer Troubleshooting: Symptom: Floor moving. Fault: You are being carried out. Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar!
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. - Michelle Mastrolacasa
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"
Bar Quotes: People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. [Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI]
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls. - Ross Levy
Beers For Geeks: Windows 98 Beer: See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes you crash less!
Bar Quotes: If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. [Deep Thought, Jack Handy]
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin!"
A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replied the seal!
Beer Troubleshooting: Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted. Fault: The beer is too weak. Action: Have more beer until your voice improves!
The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician: Before every trick, tells hostess: "For this one I'm going to need to borrow your bra."
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. - Frank Sinatra
A penguin walks into a bar, he goes to the counter and asks the barman "Have you seen my brother? The barman asks "What does he look like?"
Beer Troubleshooting: Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. Fault: You are dancing on the table. Action: Fall on somebody cushy-looking!
Beer Troubleshooting: Symptom: Floor blurred. Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Action: Get someone to buy you another beer!
A black, a Rabbi, a Pollock, a blonde, a Russian, a priest, and a nun walk into the bar. The bartender says "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. - Homer Simpson
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The barman says, We've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Kevin?"
Bar Quotes: Put it back in the horse! [H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, after he drank his first American beer at a bar.]
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my brother been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!"
Beer Troubleshooting: Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Fault: Improper bladder control. Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training!
"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." --- Homer Simpson
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk... a) Specificity b) British Constitution c) Passive-aggressive disorder d) Transubstantiate
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
Beer Warning Labels: WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Beer Troubleshooting: Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. Fault: You have fallen over backward. Action: Have yourself leashed to bar!
Beer Troubleshooting: Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling!
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."
Drinking Wisdom: "Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." - George Burns
Bar Quotes: My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time. [A Wolverine is Eating My Leg]
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
Drinking Wisdom: I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. - Frank Sinatra
The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician: Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.
A carton of yogurt walk into a bar. The barman says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." The yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why? I'm cultured."
A carton of yogurt walks into a bar. The barman says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." The yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why? I'm cultured!"
Beer Troubleshooting: Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Action: Cover mouth!
A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage hobbles into a Western saloon. He pushes up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."
A priest, a nun, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a cowboy, a lawyer, a salesman, and a blonde all walk in to a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, is this some kind of joke?"
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. - Dave Barry
A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the guy: "Mate, you've got a steering wheel down your pants." The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"
Beer Warning Labels: WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"
This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"
The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician: During one trick, screams "Pick a freakin' card already or I swear I'll blow the little birthday boy's head off!"
A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the man, "Hey guy, you've got a steering wheel down your pants." The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"
Beer Warning Labels: WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
A couple of hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. The first says, "I think I've lost an electron." The second says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive!"
The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.
There was a young man from Rangoon, whose farts could be heard to the moon. When you'd least expect 'em, they'd burst from his rectum, with the force of a raging typhoon.
Beer Troubleshooting: Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. Fault: You have been in a fight. Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them!
Beer Troubleshooting: Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party. Action: See if they have free beer!
A professor walks into a bar and orders a double martinous. The bartender says, "you mean a double martini?" The professor says, "If I want more than one I'll ask for it!"
Bar Quotes: Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. [Dave Barry]
Two donkeys walk into a bar and the first donkey says to the bartender "I'll have a pint of Bud please" and the second donkey says "hee haw, hee haw, he always orders that"
Beer Warning Labels: WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
Beer Warning Labels: WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her..."C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."
A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your beer..."
A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way. So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."
Beer Troubleshooting: Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Action: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror!
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The Bartender says, "Why do have a steering wheel in your pants?" The man replies "I don't know but its driving me nuts".
"So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor!"
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -- Jay Leno
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants" The pirate replies "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts!"
Drinking Wisdom: "In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer." - Dave Barry
This guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender says, "Hey, what's that?" to which the frog replies, "I don't know. It started as a wart on my bum and this happened!"
A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home!
A drunkard's logic: If you drink, you get drunk. If you get drunk, you go to sleep. If you go to sleep, you do not sin. If you do not sin, you go to heaven. Therefore, drink and go to heaven!
The bar was getting ready to close, so he ask the nearest woman, "What would you say to a little "oral" activity?" "That all depends,..." she quickly responded. "...Your face, or mine?"
A man enters into a bar, and the waiter comes and asks him "What do you want to drink sir?" The customer points out to a guy laying on the floor and replies "Whatever that guy was drinking."
A bear walks into a bar an says to the bar tender, "I would like a bourbon and...... a coke." The bar tender says "What's up with the big pause?" The bear said "I've had them all my life"
A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and asks, "Do you want to play magic?" "What's that?" she replies. Grinning a little, he continues, "You come back to my place, have sex, then disappear."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "No charge."
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. His hat is made of black wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, and shoes. Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.
A one-wood golf club walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer but the bartender refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the club. "Because," he says, "you're the designated driver."
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. - Frank Zappa
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry
This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She turns him down flat but the mushroom is persistent. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fungi..."
A crow walks into a bar wearing a pearl necklace. He orders a drink. "I've never seen a crow wearing a pearl necklace before", says the barkeep. "What do you expect with basic black?", says the crow!
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron? "Since you're a neutron?" says the barman, "no charge!"
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- George Bernard Shaw
A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says, "That'll be $2.50." The leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and starts walking away. The barkeep shouts, "You're a little short!"
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first!"
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... - Brian O'Rourke
The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender. The boss replied, "Good, then YOU fire her!"
Two guys are sat at the bar. The first one says, "My wife should be on the plane now." "Sounds nice" the other replied, "Where's she going?" "Nowhere" says the first, "She's fitting a new bedroom door!"
There were three guys talking in a bar. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats the little guy up!
"Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals!
A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator!"
Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny?"
A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?" The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!" The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "That'll be one blood and one blood lite."
A man goes into a bar where a cat is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, "Is that cat really playing poker?: And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not very good. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."
An old man went to the local bar, approached a very pretty, very young woman and asked, "Where have you been all my life?" She gave him a raised eyebrow of disapproval and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," said the bartender. "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
Top Ten Horses Least Likely To Win the Kentucky Derby: 10. Future Glue 9. Senor Sleepy 8. Parts On Order 7. Tax Write-Off 6. Two Fat Guys In a Horse Costume 5. Pothole Dancer 4. 2-Legged Pierre 3. Ebola 2. Kevorkian's Delight 1. CBS
Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love." "Well," said the other, "that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum. The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?" "Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"
Yesterday, scientists at Johns Hopkins revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 cans of beer and observed that 100% of them started jabbering instantly and couldn't drive.
Bar Quotes: When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. [Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry]
Bar Quotes: Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. [Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry]
Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be ... one blood and one blood lite..."
This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..." Two peanuts walked into a bar, and ... one was a-salted...
Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love." "Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionise the game of hockey!"
A policeman pulled a blonde over after she had been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. He asked her, "Do you know where you were going?" She replied, "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the people were leaving."
A dude walks into a bar in Detroit, Michigan, and asks the barkeep, "What's the fastest way to get to Dearborn?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the barkeep. "Driving," says the dude. "That's the quickest way," says the barkeep.
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?" The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
A man walks into a bar. There's a beautiful woman sitting at the bar, and they sit and have a drink together. She leans over and says, "I need you to make me feel like a real woman." So the guy takes off his jacket and says, "I need this ironed."
A man asks a woman out on a date after meeting her in a bar. She says, "What kind of car do you drive?" He replies " A VW Bug." She scornfully says, "That's awfully small!" He replies, "Don't worry, I'm not going to screw you with the car."
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
A mushroom walks into a bar. He sits next to a beautiful woman and tries to pick her up. He gives her a few cheap lines, and she replies "Get out of here, I don't want nothing to do with you!" Then the mushroom says, "What's the matter? I'm a fun-gi!"
Mary: So right there in the bar, he reached over and put his hand on my thigh! Jill: What did you do? Mary: I asked, "Are you trying to get fresh with me?" Jill: What did he say to that? Mary: He replied, "That depends upon whether or not it's working".
An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks." "What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked. "Maybe later, " the kid said. "Right now, I'll just take the Scotch."
A camel strides in to a bar with an Egyptian mummy riding on its back. The camel kneels down and the mummy crawls off and makes his way to the bar. "What will you have?" asks the bartender. "Nothing for me," says the mummy. "I just came in here to unwind."
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" "No." A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly. "That's not my dog."
John meets Bill at the bar and he is looking somewhat sheepish and embarrassed. Bill says, "Hey John, whats wrong?" John says, "I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said 'Black Tie' only. But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!"
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
An eyeball and a turd walked into a pub. The eyeball goes up to the bar and asks for two pints of lager. "Sorry, mate. I'm not serving you", says the barman. "Why not?" the eyeball wants to know. "Because you're out your face", saya the barman. "And he's steaming."
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
A guy is talking to a girl in a bar. "What's your name?" he asks. "Carmen," she says. "I had my name changed from 'Mary Lou' to 'Carmen' because I love cars and I love men." "Cool," he answers. "What's your name?" she asks him. He thinks for a second. "Beersex."
A guy walks into a bar. A lion is behind the bar making drinks. The guy is just staring at the lion, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a lion serving drinks in a bar?" The guy says, "Actually, no. I never thought the tiger would sell the place!"
A drunken guy was raising a philosophical question around a bar table with friends. He asked, "What is the difference between WATCH & WIFE." Then started giggling. The other guy picks up, "Well, when watch malfunctions it stops but wife, when she malfunctions, boy it just starts."
A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place!"
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25." A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts." The gorilla replies "At these prices, you won't get many more, either!"
The Homer Simpson Beer Song: DOH - The stuff that buys me beer. RAY - The guy who sells me beer. ME - The guys who drinks the beer. FAR - A long way to get beer. SO - I'll have another beer. LA - I'll have another beer. TEA - No thanks I'm drinking beer. and that brings me back to DOH!
Once Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Green met during a party. After an hour talking and drinking Mrs. Smith told her friend, "They call my husband 'The Exorcist.'" With a great surprise Mrs. Green asked her, "Why?" She replied, "At every party we attend, he soon gets rid of all the spirits."
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the actress Sharon Stone. "I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have you got? "My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh.
A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that someone has painted his horse. The cowboy yells, "Which one of you painted my horse?" A seven foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, "I did." The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, "Why, thank you, the first coat's dry!"
"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next bar stool. "Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent. "Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!"
Top Ten Shows in Iraqi TV: 10. Husseinfeld. 9. Mad About Everything. 8. Allah McBeal. 7. Wheel of Terror. 6. Achmed's Creek. 5. The Price is Your Life. 4. Imprisoned Children Say the Darndest Things. 3. The Brian Bin Laden Show. 2. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs. 1. Suddenly Sanctions.
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar. He says, "What's your name?" She says, "Carmen." He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?" She says, "No, I named myself." He says, "Why Carmen?" She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?" He says, "Beerfuck."
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog!"
A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money." She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."
There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" They asked. She said, "get out from under the bed and fight like a man."
Some Guinness was spilled on the bar room floor as the pub was closed for the night. Out from his hole crept a wee brown mouse and stood in the pale moonlight. He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor and back on his haunches he sat. And all night long you could hear him roar "Bring on the God damn cat!!!"
The distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in rapid succession before the bartender asked him, "You trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?" "You could say that," the guy replied. "It usually doesn't work, you know." "No crap," the man moaned. "I can't even get my wife anywhere near the water!"
Three people walked by a strip bar they walked in, the first guy licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on one side of her butt. The next guy also, licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on the other side of her butt. The third guy walks in takes out a credit card swipes it through her butt and takes the 200 dollars.
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister, "Well you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."
Pauly and Maury were in the neighborhood bar... again... and Maury remarked that Old Jim had just told him that he was now an octogenarian. "What's an octogenarian?" asked Pauly. "I dunno," said Maury, "but they must be pretty healthy people. Every one of 'em I've ever heard of is eighty years old or more."
Beer Troublshooting: A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign over the bar which reads: Cheese sandwich $2 Ham sandwich $3 Hand-job $10 He checks his wallet, then approaches the gorgeous barmaid. "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs" he asks. "Yes" she says with a smile. "Well wash your fucking hands and make me a cheese sandwich"
One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"
A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?" Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!" "May I please have a drink?" "What? You have to speak up!" "Could I please have a drink?" "Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you." "I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
While inspecting their honeymoon hotel room, the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed. "What's this for?" she asked her husband. "If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money," she said. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating!"
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?"
An elephant walks into a pub and orders a drink. He's sipping his beer when a man starts playing the piano. The elephant looks over, and bursts into tears. "Why are you crying?" asks the barman. "Does the tune have some special significance for you?" "No," wails the elephant, "it's just that I recognize the keys!"
A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "That'll be five bucks." As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds "You know, we don't get many gorillas in here." To which the gorilla replies, "At five bucks a beer, it's no wonder."
A couple were dining out one evening, when the wife noticed a familiar face at the restaurant's bar. 'Honey,' she said as she pointed the guy out, 'I know that guy at the bar and he has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago!' Her husband quickly replied, 'That's silly, no one celebrates that long?!'
A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says, "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Bill was having a drink in a bar with his friend Doug. Doug asked, "If you were given a choice to change something 'bout you, what would you change?" Bill said, "I wouldn't gamble." "Did you lose a lot of money?" Doug asked sympathetically. "No, I made a lot of money," Bill muttered. "But, I used it to get married."
Did you hear the one about the juy who rushed into the bar and told the bartender, The beers are on me!. "My wife ran away with my best friend." The bartender smiled and said, That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?" Hell no, I'm not unhappy," replied the guy, "They saved me a fortune....both of them were pregnant!"
Two guys are sitting in a bar. The first guy asks, "What do you do for a living?" The second guy says, "I'm a lawyer." The first says, "How much do you charge?" The second guy says, "$100 for four questions." The first guy says, "Isn't that a little expensive?" The second guy says, "Yes. What's your fourth question?"
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?" The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore." "Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?" "She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks." He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."
Joe was hanging in a bar and his friends asked him if he had scored lately. Joe told his friends man I picked up this chick the other night and had the best sex ever, the only problem was she was a total Butterface! His friends asked him, "What the heck is a Butterface?" Joe answered, "Everything about her was hot, BUT HER FACE."
Drinking Wisdom: The harsh, useful things of the world, from pulling teeth to digging potatoes, are best done by men who are as starkly sober as so many convicts in the death-house, but the lovely and useless things, the charming and exhilarating things, are best done by men with, as the phrase is, a few sheets in the wind. - H.L. Mencken
A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?" "I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?" "I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."
I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me. "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten. "I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "But when I walked in, they were speaking German."
A guy walks into a bar with a cork shoved up his arse. The Bartender asks him how it happened so the guys sighs and says: "Well, I was walking along the beach when I came across this magic lantern. I picked it up and started to brush off the dirt when all of a sudden this genie pops out. The genie told me I could have three wishes and I said.. No shit!"
A nun in full black habit is walking past a bar when a drunk stumbles out, sees her, and punches her square in the nose. Before she can scream, he lands a sloppy one-two and an uppercut. When she goes down, he starts kicking her with his scuffed business shoes. As a crowd gathers, the drunk stops, staggers back, and slurs, "You're not so tough, Batman!"
There is a guy and his favourite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. On this particular day the bar is closed when he arrives so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy innocently replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."
FLASH!!! Breaking News Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
A string goes into a bar and they won't serve it -- the usual story. So this upsets the string and it goes to a shrink to be psychoanalyzed. Since there's a little S & M in its background, it ties itself up, then tries to go into the same bar that rejected it before. The bartender says, "Aren't you a string?" The string replies, "No, I'm a Freud knot."
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party ?" "Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
One time little Johnny woke up one morning and saw his mom jumping up and down on his dad. He asked,"Mommy why are you jumping on Daddy?" The mom replied slyly, "Well daddy is getting fat so I am trying to deflate him." Johnny said, "Ohhh! Well you're wasting your time. After you leave for work, the big-boobied woman next door comes over and blows Daddy back up."
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Looking stunned, he said, "What?
A man walks into the bar and says, "Give me three shots, one for both of my best friends and one for me." For the next week the man goes into the bar and orders the same thing. Until one day he goes in and only orders two shots. The bartender looked disturbed and said, "What happened, did one of your friends pass away?" "No," the man replied, "I stopped drinking."
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake!"
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
Michael Johnson, the Olympic Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a club with some friends. At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said "Sorry, mate, you can't come in here - no denim." Michael was quite annoyed at this and retorted, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Michael Johnson." "Then it won't take you long to run home and change, will it?" replied the bouncer.
As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing. Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath. In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice cream!"
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered. "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
THE BEER PRAYER: Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink, Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as I am in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us, and lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers, For thine is the beer, The bitter and the lager, Forever and ever, Barmen.
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charlie, "now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you chicken."
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
Alberto Costa, after a long tennis season, went to retire. He thought of enjoying and went to a bar. Alberto sat next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No," was the reply. Hardly some minutes had passed; the dog took a huge chunk out of Alberto's leg. Alberto said to the man, "You said your dog doesn't bite!" The man replied, "That's not my dog,"
An Englishman, American, and Irishman, all walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender hands them there beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer. Well the Englishman pushes the beer aside and says, "That's disgusting." The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer. The Irishman pulls the fly out, sets it on the counter and shouts, "SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD."
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said, "Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll kick your head in!"
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry Native American approached him and said, "Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll smash your face in!"
A Brit, an Irishman, and a Scot go out to a pub and order 3 pints. They each find a fly floating on the top of their mugs. The Brit says, "Bartender, can I have a spoon?" and quietly removes the fly from his brew. The Irishman says, "Get out of there!" and flicks the fly away with a finger. The Scot picks up the fly with his fingers and says, "Alright ya wee bastard. Spit it out. Now!"
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." -- Babe Ruth
Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be ... one blood and one blood lite..." Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror. The redhead goes first and says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth" Poof- the mirror swallows her up. The brunette goes up to the mirror and says "I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth" Poof - the mirror swallows her up. Last, the blonde goes up to the mirror says " I think........" Poof!!
The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."
A man walks into a bar. As he passes the cigarette machine, he hears it say, "You smell bad and you are ugly." Then he hears a voice apparently coming from a nearby plate of peanuts. "You really are a very handsome young man." the nuts claim. The man turns to the bartender and asks for an explination. The bartender replies, "The cigarette machine is out of order and the nuts are complimentary."
A guy walks into a bar and shouts, "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody is cheering him and applauding like crazy. Feeling great, he finishes his beer, asks for another one and shouts, "When I drink again, everybody drinks again!". Once again, everybody is cheering him, he is the hero of the bar. When he is done drinking, he pulls out his wallet and shouts, "When I pay, everybody pays!".
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a Backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine Invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them. "Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?" "Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Beers For Geeks: Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look like Windows 2000 Beer's, after Windows 2000 Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars!
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?" As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars." She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
These two strings walk up to a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells 'I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?' String says 'Yeah.' Bartender says, 'aren't you a string?' String says, 'No, I'm a frayed knot...'
Once there were 2 kids One named Shut up the other named Trouble. So one day they were playing hide and go seek when Shut up was it he could not find Trouble so he called the police. When the officer arrived he asked what is your name kid Shut up said Shut up no really what is your name kid said the officer Shut up!! said Shut up. kid are you lookin' for Trouble? the officer said loudly yes replied Shut up
These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar..." The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah." Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."
A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, and make it quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks Them as fast as he can. The bartender remarks, "I've never seen anybody drink that fast!" The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have." "What's that?" asks the bartender Cowboys says, Fifty cents.
So, a neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge." Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar. The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders. The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" The string says "Yeah." The bartender says, "aren't you a string?" The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she replied politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said, "but it certainly has my husband pretty upset."
Beers For Geeks: MAC Beer: At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the waste bin!
Buffy was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick. "Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive. "Big Deal," muttered Buffy. "I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away."
A girl walks into a bar and asks for a Manhattan with a plum in it. The bartender says, "You mean a cherry." She says, "No, I mean a plum." The bartender says, "Look lady, I've been tending bar for 20 years and you're the first person that's ever asked for a Manhattan with a plum. Where did you ever get that idea?" She said, "Well, about 3 years ago I lost my cherry, and I've been plumb crazy ever since!"
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."
Beers For Geeks: DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available!
A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologised and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!" The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"
A guy walks into a bar and says, "Bartender give a shot." He takes the shot then looks in his pocket. "Bartender! Give another shot!" He takes the shot then looks in his pocket." He says "Bartender give another shot." He takes the shot then looks in his pocket. The bartender says, "Why is it that after every shot do you look in your pocket?" "I have a picture of his wife & when she look goods, I'll go home!"
This guy, about 40, walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he pulls out a picture of a beautiful girl, about 20. He orders drink after drink after drink. Finally, the bartender asks why he's getting drunk? "I have to come home to this!" the guy says, pointing to the picture of the beautiful girl. "What's wrong with her?" asks the bartender. "She's beautiful and half your age!" "Exactly. That's my daughter."
An amnesiac walks into a tavern and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?" A gorilla wanted some adventure and ventured into a bar. He ordered a cold beer. The bartender gave it to him and said, "that'll be $25." After some minutes, initiating conversation, the bartender asked - "Lately there have not been many gorillas round these parts." The gorilla retorted, "At these prices, you won't get many more, either!"
Bill Gorman sat at the bar with his friend. "My new novel is almost complete. But I have to find a way to 'dispose of' the mad scientist. "There's no way any of the characters can knock him off, so I'll accept some sort of deus-ex-machina solution. But I've tried several and I'm not happy with the way any of them turns out." "Why not an aneurism?" asked Paul. "Not bad," Bill replied. "Hmmm... a stroke of genius."
While making love to his wife, Rajeeb discovered he couldn't concentrate. Though they were only married a few years, he reflected unhappily, their lovemaking had become infrequent and essentially joyless. Then, suddenly alarmed, he cried, "What happened? Did I hurt you?" "No," said his surprised wife. "Why do you ask?" "No reason, really," he replied with a sigh. "It was just for one moment there I thought you moved."
A certain eastern european country was eager to throw its hat into the ring. In a special session of the United Nations they shocked everyone, by announcing to the world that they were in the process of putting a man on the sun. The nay sayers scoffed "those men will burn up before they land"..."it's a ridiculous idea" ...but the representative proudly boasted "you guys are so stupid,we're goin to land our ship at night"....
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
Man walks into a bar, has a seat and asks for two double shots. He knocks one back and tosses the second into his vest pocket. This goes on for about a dozen rounds before the bartender says, "Excuse me, but I'm curious as to why you knock back one drink and toss the other into your vest pocket?" The man says, "That's none of your damn business." A mouse pops out of the vest pocket and yells." And that goes for your damn cat too!"
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out ofthe bar and stops the guy. 'What the heck are you doing ?' he asks the drunk. 'I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.' he replies. 'So how does feeling the roof help you ?' asks the puzzled manager. 'Well,' replies the drunk earnestly, 'MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!'.
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks." So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast." The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got." The bartender says, "What've you got?" The guy says, "75 cents."
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!
I was at my regular pub the other night when big Alex walked in, took his usual seat and ordered a pint of his favorite lager. Alex leaned over and said to me: "I've just called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently." I was confused by this remark so asked him, "Why on earth would you want to know such a thing???" Alex leaned closer and explained: "Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week..."
Two Swedish guys get off a ship and head for the nearest bar at the pier. Each one orders two whiskeys and immediately downs them. They then order two more whiskeys apiece, and quickly throw them back. They then order another two whiskeys apiece. One of the men picks up one of his drinks, and turning to the other man, says, "Skoal!" The other man turns to the first and says, "Hey, did you come here to bullshit, or did you come here to drink?"
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out. "Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!" "What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."
Beers For Geeks: Windows 95 Beer: The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it!
This Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story. "Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" the bartender asked. "Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and came straight back here. Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."
At closing time, Dave staggered out of the bar, drunk as usual. Trying to find his way home through the dark streets, he staggered along until he bumped into a nun. Dave immediately lunged at her, twisting her arm, he threw her to the ground, pinned her arms and began punching her in the head. Some people from a house nearby rushed out to assist the downed woman. As they pulled Dave off her, he screamed, "I thought you'd be stronger than that, Batman!"
This guy arrives home to find his wife waiting for him by the door. "And what time do you call this," she starts angrily, "You went down to the take away three hours ago, and now you stagger back here stinking of booze, with no food!" "Look," the guy responds calmly, "How do you fancy a chicken vindaloo, rice, bombay potatoes, and a chapatti?" "Oh, all right then." his now really hungry wife agrees. "Fine." He says, and throws up all over her!
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down.The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?" The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma." The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."
A girl walks into a bar and asks for a Manhattan with a plum in it. The bartender says, "You mean a cherry." She says, "No, I mean a plum." The bartender says, "Look lady, I've been tending bar for 20 years and you're the first person that's ever asked for a Manhattan with a plum. Where did you ever get that idea?" She said, "Well, about 3 years ago I lost my cherry, and I've been plumb crazy ever since! Beer Belly - A gas tank for a sex machine.
An Alaska guy went to a bar with his 8 ft tall giraffe. Despite the strange stares from other bar occupants, they proceed to drink themselves silly and drank heavily. The giraffe stood up and knelt down. At this, his companion stood up as well, settled his bar bill and started to walk out of the bar. The bartender shouted, "Hey drunk donkey, you can't leave that lyin' here!" The Alaska man replied, "You're the idiot... that's a giraffe, not a lion!"
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them. The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away. The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"
The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to have a drink drink. A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies. "Oh," says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"
A man walks into a bar and starts pouring down the beers. Burp. Having had one too many, the man was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe? You and me?" As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars." She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
Doug meets Bill at the bar for their usual after work drink. Bill is sitting there looking somewhat depressed. Doug asks, "What's wrong pal?" Bill replies, "Well, I finally succeeded in talking my girlfriend in to a threesome." "Wow, lucky you. But why the long face?" Doug remarks. Bill sighs and says, "Yeah, well, as the threesome entered into its second hour of hot and heavy action, it dawned on me that I really should have specified *my* involvement."
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please." So they proceed to drink. Then: "...a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too" And they keep drinking all evening. Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender shouts out, "Hey, you're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?" The guy replies "That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."
This guy was staggering along the road, much the worse for the drink, throwing empty beer cans into the street and falling into peoples gardens. His singing gained the attention of a passing policeman who decided to question him. "What do you think you're doing there?" the policeman asked. "I'm on my works outing" came the slurred reply. "Then" the policeman queried, "where are all the others?" "Ah" the man grinned, "You see officer, I'm self employed!"
These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar. "I don't get it," complained the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!" "Yeah," replies his buddy, "He's not even a very good conversationally, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."
One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. "What's the matter?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days." The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender. "Yeah, except today is the last night.
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older. You are just getting better." Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom." It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered that the cake read: "YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP. YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?" She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it." He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought that the man looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some ticked-off husband wrote to me, and said he would kill me if I didn't stop messing around with his wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "That bastard didn't sign his name!"
Beers For Geeks: Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years...
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. Hey says "Barman, a black and tan please!" The barman makes him the best black and tan he ever tasted, using Guiness and Bass Ale. As he enjoys his beer, another man walks in and sits next to him. He says "Barman, a Coors Light please." The first man says "Ahh Coors Light, that brinks back memories, like the time I made love in a boat." The other man says "What do you mean?" The first guy says "Well, It's fucking close to water."
An Old Beer's Tale: HE GRABBED ME AROUND MY SLENDER NECK I COULD NOT CALL OR SCREAM. HE DRAGGED ME TO MY DINGY ROOM WHERE WE COULD NOT BE SEEN. HE TORE AWAY MY FLIMSY WRAP AND GAZED UPON MY FORM. I WAS SO COLD AND DAMP AND SCARED WHILE HE WAS DRY AND WARM. HE PRESSED HIS FEVERISH LIPS TO MINE ICOULD NOT MAKE HIM STOP. HE DRAINED ME OF MY INNER SELF I GAVE HIM EVERY DROP. THEN HE CAST ME FROM HIS SIDE SO NOW YOU SEE ME HERE. AN EMPTY BOTTLE THROWN AWAY THAT ONCE WAS FULL OF BEER.
This guy goes into a bar and sees a man pounding shots of bourbon as fast as the bartender can pour them. He watches for a while then finally goes up to the drunk. "What kind of a way is that to drink good bourbon?" he asks. "It's the only way I can drink it since my accident," the man replies, throwing down two more shots in fast order. "What kind of accident was that?" The man guzzles another shot, shudders and then answers, "I once knocked over a drink with my elbow."
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
A man hurriedly walked into a tavern. He dashed up to the bar and said to the bartender, "Gimme a double, before the s**t hits the fan." The man guzzled down his drink, and a few minutes later, came the same urgent request. "Gimme a beer before the s**t hits the fan." This goes on for an hour or so. Finally the Bartender goes up to the guy and says, "Listen buddy, maybe you should pay before you get another drink." The man replied, "Oops, looks like the s**t just hit the fan."
A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, 'My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.' Another guy says, 'What's that?' The first guy says, 'That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.' Another one says, 'My name is Gary, and I am a DINK. A girl asks, 'What's that?' He says, 'That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.' A lady says, 'That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.' Larry says, 'A wife? What's a wife?' She says, 'That means, 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.'
An Old Beer's Tale: Hummm: HE GRABBED ME AROUND MY SLENDER NECK I COULD NOT CALL OR SCREAM. HE DRAGGED ME TO MY DINGY ROOM WHERE WE COULD NOT BE SEEN. HE TORE AWAY MY FLIMSY WRAP AND GAZED UPON MY FORM. I WAS SO COLD AND DAMP AND SCARED WHILE HE WAS DRY AND WARM. HE PRESSED HIS FEVERISH LIPS TO MINE ICOULD NOT MAKE HIM STOP. HE DRAINED ME OF MY INNER SELF I GAVE HIM EVERY DROP. THEN HE CAST ME FROM HIS SIDE SO NOW YOU SEE ME HERE. AN EMPTY BOTTLE THROWN AWAY THAT ONCE WAS FULL OF BEER.
A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately there is a pile of dog crap just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink. A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of crap, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink. The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that." The big guy punches him in the mouth.
"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other in the Bar. "I am filing for divorce." "Sorry to hear that pal." said his friend. "But, may I ask why?" "I found her with supply of birth control pills." said the first. "Listen Buddy, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin." "It isn't just that." stormed the First. "It's because I had a vasectomy over five years ago and she knows that."
Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, 'What's wrong pal?' 'I'll never understand women.' Max said. 'The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted.' 'Wow!' said the bartender. 'But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me.' 'Well,' Max went on, 'I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me.'
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey walks up to the pool table and eats one of the balls. The bartender says, 'Why did he do that?' The guy says, 'Oh he'll eat anything.' A couple of days later, the guy brings the monkey into the same bar, and the monkey picks up a peanut and shoves it up is ass, then takes it out and eats it. The bartender says, 'Why did he do that?' The guy says, 'Oh he'll still eat anything, but since he ate that pool ball he checks it for fit first.'
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?" The man said, "Here and there." The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?" The man said, "This and that." The judge then said, "Take him away." The man said, "Wait, judge, when will I get out?" The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later..."
Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives. The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything. They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees." Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that. The man replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!"
"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. It was awful," she explained. "A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness I took that first aid course." "What did you do?" asked the bartender. "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender for two beers. He continues this for several nights and the bartender got a bit curious. The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks?" the man replies, "I used to come here with my best friend but now he's dead. And I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf." A few days later, the man orders only for 1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him," why only 1 beer now sir?" man replies, "I have given up drinking!"
A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar. A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?" The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal." And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.' "What's it say?" asks the bartender. The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."
Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. One guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps". The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. The loser says "Well I saw it too but I didn't think he would jump again"
Two old drunks were drinking in the pub together, when the first one says: "You know, Mick, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. When I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm 60 next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So, " says the second drunk, "What's your point?" "The point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get."
A big, mean looking biker ties up a nasty german shepard in front of a bar, walks on in, sets down, and orders a beer. Shortly after, a gay man walks in and asks, "who owns that thweet doggie tied up in front?" The biker growls "its mine, who wants to know?" The gay man replys "well, my poodle iths killing it." "What," the biker roars with laughter, "the hell are you talking about? There is no way in hell your poodle can kill my german shepard!" "Oh yeth there iths. Your dog iths choking on it!"
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!" The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle. "And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands. "Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."
Carl is talking to a girl in a New York City bar, he says, "Can I get you a drink? The girl replies; "Certainly" Carl asks: "What would you like?" The girl says, "Champagne." Carl says "Why Champagne?" The girl says, "Because when I drink champagne I imagine I am a goddess on the Nile, draped in a long robe, relaxing peacefully, with servants fanning me and dropping peeled grapes into my mouth." Curious Carl asks, "What if I just buy you a draft beer?" The girl replies, "I'll cut wet farts all night."
A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or...!" Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns. "Give me a Budweiser, or...!" "O-o-o-o-r-r-r... w-w-what?" stammers the bartender. "A small Coke."
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk." A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink." The bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk" Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk" The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there pal?" "It's a mongoose." "What have you got that for?" "Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection." "But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes." "That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
One night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe late one night and, after a couple of drinks, realized he was the last person in the bar except for a man sleeping at one of the tables. The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill. "Would monsieur care for another drink?" asked the Frenchman. "No thanks, I imagine you want to close up. Why don't you send that other fellow home?" "Well, I should," said the Frenchman, "but each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it again!"
There's three dogs, a Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog all sat in a bar having a quiet drink when a great-looking female Collie strolls in. She comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a single sentence can have their way with me." Quickly, the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She laughs and says, "That's not creative enough." Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask. "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."
The Devil walks into a crowded bar. Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old boy leant over the bar. The Devil wanders across to the old boy and says "Do you know how I am?" The old man took another sip of his beer and answered "Yep" The Devil stared at the old man and asked "Well aren't you afraid?" The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs "nah, I've been married to your sister for 40 years. Why the hell should I be scared of you?"
These two vampires used to take a non-vampire with them on their bar-hopping escapades. But whenever they ran out of money to buy their libations, they would jab their unfortunate human companion in the neck, and quench their thirst at his expense. He finally refused to go with them anymore, complaining, "I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks!" So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."
The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking and Brain Development A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster. The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man. The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender. "I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man. The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."
The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking and Brain Development: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster. The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood." The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood." The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma." The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!!"
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," his friend replied, "and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000." "Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." His friend continued. "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," concluded, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
Kelly limps into his favorite pub... My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. "I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the beertender. "Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised. "He must have had something in his hand." "That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was." "Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?" "Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to piss, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance, and falls in. There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, 'Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!' At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to piss, and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, 'Of course you're cold, you son-of-a-bitch. You kicked all the dirt off yourself.'
Sitting in the bar George asked Johnny, 40, "how come you are not married?" Johnny: "I haven't found the right woman yet." George: "So what are you looking for?" Johnny: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook 'n house keeper, - well and she's got to know how to handle money, - a really nice and pleasant personality is a must, - and money, she's got to have money, - and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have." George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU." Johnny: "Oh it's okay, if she is crazy."
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home." The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man. The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he said, "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it goin'?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen - I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat love it!" Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
There are two pieces of tarmac sitting by the side of the bar, and they are having a drinking contest, to see which one is the hardest. After 12 shots of vodka, both pieces of tarmac are still unphased, when suddenly the door opens and a red piece of tarmac walks in. On seeing the red piece of tarmac, one piece of tarmac runs straight for the toilets. An hour later, he ventures out and discovers that the red piece of tarmac has left. The other piece of tarmac asks him why he ran off. He replies "Haven't you heard about him? He's a cycle-path!"
A man walks into a bar and notices that there is a game of poker taking place at a table in the corner of the room. To his amazement, one of the players is an German Shepherd, studying his hand intently. He asks the barman, "Is that dog actually playing poker?" "He certainly is, sir," replies the barman. "I am amazed," said the man. "Oh, it's quite true, every night, the same group comes in here and they all play poker." "Does the dog win much?" asks the man. "No, he's terrible, every time he gets a good hand, his tail starts to wag!"
A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks. The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?" One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50 HANDJOB: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
One Saturday evening a man walked into a bar and said, "Excuse me, I would like a pint of beer." The bartender served the man his drink and said, "That will be four dollars." The customer pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and handed it to the bartender. "Sorry, sir," the bartender said, "but I can't accept that." So, the man pulls out a ten-dollar bill, and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the puzzled man asked the barkeep. Pointing to a neon sign behind the bar, the bartender explained, "This is a Singles Bar."
Two little piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in. Two more little piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender again points to the door and they both rush in. One little piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. "Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?" says the bartender. "No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEE WEE WEE all the way home!"
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!"
Bob and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Bob was looking really down in the dumps. "What's the matter?" Bill asked. "I don't get it," Bob sighed. "The dating scene is so confusing. There are so many dam people you have to please. Like this one woman, she liked me, her mom liked me, but her father hated me. Then there was this other woman, both of her parents really liked me, but she didn't like me. And then there was this woman I met last night. She absolutely loved me, her parents seemed to really like me too, BUT her husband couldn't stand me!"
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" He asks. "Same time as before... Noon." Replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git out!"
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
One day, a little pig walked into a bar. He drank heavily, paid the amount and asked the bartender, "Which way to the bathroom?" She answered, "Go down the hall, first door on your left." The pig went to the bathroom and left. The next day another little pig came into the bar. The similar thing happened to him too. This went on for another week. One day a pig walked in, drank and started to walk out. The bartender stopped him and asked, "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The little pig replied "No, I'm going wee wee wee all the way home..."
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds. Wow and congratulations was the reply from all in the bar. Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "10 pounds." The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds." The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
One night a guy walked into a bar and sat down next to this guy. He looks over and sees that he has a little piano player playing beautiful music! He asks "where did you get that?" The other guy replies "See that guy at the end of the bar? He's a geinie, and he'll grant you a wish!" So the guy calls over to the geinie for a thousand bucks. POOF! All of a sudden a thousand DUCKS flew into the bar. So the guy says to the other guy with the little piano player "I think he has a hearing problem" The guy exclaimed "Do you think I asked for a 12-inch PIANIST?!?"
A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?" "As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"
Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
A guy goes into the bar with a carrot in his ear. He orders a drink. The bar tender wants to mention the carrot but doesn't. Next day the same guy with a carrot in his ear goes to the same bar and orders a drink. Again the bar tender wants to say something about the carrot but doesn't. The 3rd day the same guy and the same carrot go to the bar and order a drink. As the bar tender serves the man he can't stand it any more. He says to the guy, "Hey Mack, you know you got a carrot in your ear? The guy replies, "I can't hear you because I've got a carrot in my ear."
A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day." The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend." The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?" The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again." The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?" The guy says, "I said BAD DOG!"
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend." The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."
Thorn comes to a bar and yells: "QUICK!!!! Give me a glass of beer!!! Before IT gets started!!!" The bartender goes: "What started?! What are you talking about?!" "No questions. Just give me the beer, faster!!!" He drinks the beer and screams again: "One more, hurry up!!! Before it gets started!!!" "What started?!" "Never mind!!! Give me my beer!!!" He drinks the second glass and continues: "Third glass!!! Faster!!! before it gets started!!! Do it!!!" Finally, the bartender asks: "Hey, pal. Are you gonna pay?!" And Thorn goes: "Damn!!!! It's started..."
Back in the early twenties, organ grinders used to go into bars with their pet monkeys and entertain the customers for tips. This particular grinder walks into a bar with his pet monkey and states that he can play any tune that they want to hear. With that, he perches the monkey on the end of the bar, and the monkey is hopping down the bar, when it plops his ass on top of a drunk's glass. The drunk yells, "Shay, old man, duh yah know your monkeys got his ass in my beer?" The organ grinder replies, "No, but go ahead and hum a few bars, and I'll pick it up from there."
An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Two guys were at a bar arguing with their friend who was a midget. Sudden out of nowhere, the Pope walks into the bar! "Oh my god its the pope " they all say at once "the midget says to the guys 'That's it I'm going ask him." So he walks up to the Pope and asks "Sir, are there midget nuns in America?", "No, no, no." says the Pope "Are there midget nuns in the entire world?" "No, no, no." says the Pope "Are there even such things as midget nuns?" "No, no, no." says the Pope. His friends burst out chanting, "Joe screwed a penguin, Joe screwed a penguin..."
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the North. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us!"
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze." Matt replies, "And we weren't?"
A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. "Damn," he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me." "Not to worry," says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill." So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. "Why are there two twenties?" she asks. The drunk replies, "Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too."
A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. "Damn," he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me." "Not to worry," says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill." So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. "Why are there two twenties?" she asks. The drunk replies, "Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too!"
Two drunks stumble out of a pub and are walking along the road. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."
Strolling through the singles' bar, the rich dude spotted a lovely young woman sitting alone at a table, and walked over. "Say, babe, how about coming along and giving me a little head?" The woman looked up. "That'll be the day." Undaunted, Bill said, "Well then, how about coming to my apartment and screwing like rabbits?" Snickering, the woman said, "That'll be the day!" "Okay," He said. "How about taking my limo to my private jet, flying to Tahiti, and spending the weekend on my private beach?" The woman looked up and smiled at him, saying, "THIS'LL be the day!"
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Eric what the problem is. "Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those women's questions women ask. Now I'm in deep doo-doo at home." "What kind of question?, asked Tom. "My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'". "Yeah", said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO....'"
The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room. "A football player," "A doctor," "An astronaut," "The President," "A fireman," "A teacher," "A race car driver." Everyone that is, except Tommy. The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?" "Possible" Tommy replied. "Possible?" asked the teacher. "Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."
After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire!"
The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman. 'No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold.' She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar. 'Hello,' she said, 'I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question: 'Are your urinals covered in gold?' To which she heard the bartender said, 'Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone.'
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?" "No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?" "I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they settled on a figure of $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed." The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game. The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years!"
A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if what they say about men with big feet is true. The cowboy replies, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?" The woman is curious, so she spends the night with him. When she sees him the next day, she hands the cowboy a $100 bill. "I'm flattered," he says, blushing. "Nobody has ever paid me for my prowess before." "Well, don't be," the woman replies. "Take this money and go buy yourself some boots that fit!"
A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he's sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo." The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Thinking the other man's drink may be a specialty of the house, he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too." The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink and the customer takes a big drink. "Hey," he says. "This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!" The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water. Right, Lou?"
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your Mom's the best lay in town!" Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders up to the end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom and it was really sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me...." Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad---you're drunk again!"
A guy goes into a restaurant wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk... a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you. b) Nope, no more booze for me. c) Sorry, but you're not really my type. d) No kebab for me, thank you. e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? f) I'm not interested in fighting you. g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing. h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool. i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street. j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
A wandering salesman comes to a Bar, pools a stool, sits at the counter and orders a double martini with Vodka up. After gobbling up the drink he looks inside his upper pocket, mumbles, grimaces and orders another refill. He kept on doing it for a few orders of strong drinks. To a bartender he looked like some love bird and asked him why he was looking in his pocket before ordering another drink. Salesman replied, "That is my wife in my pocket. I look at her and ask honey, If I come home, would you let me do tonight please?" and until she says, "Yes my dear", I am going to keep on drinking. .
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have.", said the man. The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man drunkenly replies, "I have a dollar."
After a heavy night of drinking at the bar, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
A man walks into a bar acting really weird. He sits down and the man next to him asks, "What's wrong buddy?" The man replied, "I've been blowing chunks all night!" The man next to him replies, "Well that's not that bad, you just had to much to drink." The man then said, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!" The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" she screams. One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, "Well, it says on the menu, First come, First served!"
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
A guy goes into the bar with a carrot in his ear. He orders a drink. The bar tender wants to mention the carrot but decides against it. On the next day, the same guy with a carrot in his ear goes to the same bar and orders a drink. Again, the bar tender wants to say something about the carrot but doesn't. The 3rd day the same guy and the same carrot go to the bar and order a drink. As the bar tender serves the man he can't stand it anymore. He says to the patron, "Hey, you know you've got a carrot in your ear?" The patron says to the bartender, "I can't hear you! I've got a carrot in my ear."
A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half. Finally the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?" "Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed. "Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing. "Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile. "Thirteen? My God, girl! You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here! 13? You are crazy!" he thundered. Pausing briefly at the door, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno..." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
Beers For Geeks: Windows 2000 Beer: A new beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but tastes like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew!
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away!
A customer came to the Bar in rush, and ordered a double martini. He gulped it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, turned and walked out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at the moment he looked up, and shockingly saw the boss standing in the doorway observing his game. Bartender's mind started working at lightning speed, he responded the situation, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying for his Martini."
A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies "down the hall and to the left." Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies "down the hall and to the left." Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him "well aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The pig replies "No, I am going to go wee wee wee all the way home!"
A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies "down the hall and to the left". Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishs them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies "down the hall and to the left". Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him "well aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The pig replies " no, i am going to go wee wee wee all the way home."
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!". Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt". At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts" answered the bartender. "Say what?" "You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts...they're complimentary."
Two guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," replied the second. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first his money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, 'Your mom's the best lay in town!' Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, 'I just did your Mom, and it was sw-e-et!' Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, 'Your Mom liked it!' Finally the guy interrupts. 'Go home, Dad, you're drunk!'
A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him." The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?" "No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed. "Wasn't always that way," the buddy says. "It's a transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it's well worth every cent." So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, "I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand." They go back to the restroom to compare. "No wonder," his buddy says, "That's my old one!"
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He starts eating the beer nuts at the bar and he hears a voice say, "Wow! You look GREAT tonight!" The man looks over at the bartender who didn't say anything and just keeps drinking and eating beer nuts and he hears something again! "That's an awesome shirt! You are amazing!" He looks around and he's the only guy in the place so asks the bartender if he had heard anything and the bartender says, "Was the voice saying bad things or good things?" And the man replies, "Good things, why?" And the bartender says, "It must have been the complimentary nuts."
This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?" The man replies, " David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hell are you mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!"
A man walked into a bar and sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt". At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "Say what?" "You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts ... they're complimentary."
A man walked into a bar in Louisville, Kentucky and ordered a drink. While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V., one of Hillary's political ads came on. After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone, "Hillary is a horse's ass!" The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across the head, knocking him off his stool and onto the floor. After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up and said to the bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Hillary country." "It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse country". .
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double Martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double Martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
TOP TEN REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN RELIGION 10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer. 9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves. 6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. 5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer. 4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer. 3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you. 2. You can prove you have a Beer. 1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out. Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket." The guys slurs "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."
A man is having a Friday night drink in a dimly lit bar. He makes his way to a table and sits down. He leans over to the big women next to him and say's "I know this killer blonde joke. Do you want to hear it?" "Before you do you ought to know that I'm a blonde 6ft tall and 12 stone and a professional body builder. The women sitting next to me is also a blonde 6ft 2 inches and she's 13 stone a kick boxer and next to her is also a blonde she's 5ft 10 inches karate black belt who fights for Great Britain." "Oh well" says the man "In that case I won't bother with the joke I can't be bothered to explain it three times."
Beers For Geeks: AmigaOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. it originally came in a 16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway!
Late at night, a drunk was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently looking for something. A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help. "What is it you have lost?" he asked. "My watch," replied the drunk. "It fell off when I tripped over the pavement." The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch. "Where exactly did you trip?" asked the passer-by. "About half a block up the street," replied the drunk. "Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?" The drunk said: "Because the light's a lot better here."
Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus... 10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer. 9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves. 6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. 5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer. 4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer. 3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you. 2. You can prove you have a Beer. 1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it." So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?" But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it." The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son." The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!" "Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub for a drink. His wife starts complaining you never take me anywhere anymore. After hours of complaining the husband agrees to take his wife to the pub. They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to get drinks for him and his wife. While he was gone a man walks up to Joe's wife and tells her he wants to turn her upside down fill her with beer and drink her dry. Joe's wife exclaims, "you sick pervert get out of my sight." Joe returned and his wife told him what happened and to go kick that guy's ass. Joe said, "No way you don't mess with a guy who can drink that much beer".
A woman walks into a tavern, sits up at the bar and orders a Pilsner. She drinks it down and then "BAM" she passes out. The regulars not being ones to miss an opportunity, take her into the back room and have sex with her, then prop her up in the alley. The next day the same woman comes in, sits at the bar and orders a Pilsner. BAM she passes out and the boys take her into the back room again and have sex with her, then put her into the alley. The third day the same woman walks in and sits at the bar, and the bartender says "would you like a Pilsner today"? She replies "No more Pilsner, make it a draft, that Pilsner makes my pussy sore".
A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation. He turns to bartender and says, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . .." "STOP pal - I don't allow talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender. A few minutes later the guy tried again, "People say about the Pope ..." "NO religion talk, either," the bartender cuts in. One more try to break the boredom..." I thought the Yankees would..." "NO sports talk...That's how fights start in bars!" the barman said. "Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?" "Sure, that we can talk about", replies the barkeep. "GREAT... GO SCREW YOURSELF!"
A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her. She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said,"P ardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior." The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"
Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it. Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he decides to pull the old 'short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn't say a word. The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. The bartender says to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here." To which the horse replies, "At nine dollars a beer, I'm not surprised!"
This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself. The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said." She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
A deformed and ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the bartender. "I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks; like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything; me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the bartender. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?" "Dunno...never found the head."
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died"! Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God! Here's a fella that lived to 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
A well-dressed gentleman entered an upscale restaurant in the East End of Manhattan, and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came over and asked "What can I get you to drink, sir?" The gentleman responded, "Nothing, thank you. I tried alcohol once, didn't like it, and never tried it again." The bartender was a bit perplexed, but being a friendly sort, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered the gentleman one. The gentleman refused, saying, "I tried smoking once, didn't like it, and never did it again. The point is, I wouldn't be in here at all, except that I'm waiting for my son." The bartender retorted, "Your only child, I presume?"
A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball. The bartender says "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball! GET OUT NOW!" so the man picks up the monkey and leaves. Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it. The bartender says " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?" The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size"
Once two men sat in a bar drinking. The first one said to the other ,"I have a hell lot of family problems." The second one said, "I'll tell you mine. I married a widow having a young daughter. My father married my daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems !!
A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer. The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy. The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly. Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?" "I haven't got any money!"
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."
A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..." The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch. He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."
Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus: Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus 10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer. 9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves. 6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. 5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer. 4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer. 3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you. 2. You can prove you have a Beer. 1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking." So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny?" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Out with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe." The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
Drunk Driving Test: A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a police officer. Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?". Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air". Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test." Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death". Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line". Man: "Can't do that either." Officer: "Why not?" Man: "Because I'm dead drunk!"
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!" Nerd Season
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny?!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
A guy sees a pretty lady at the end of the bar and is interested in buying her a drink. He tells the bartender that he will buy her another of whatever she is drinking. The bartender says "OK, I'll pour it for her. But just for your information, she's a hooker. She'll do what you want for money." The drink gets delivered and the woman makes eyes at the guy, inviting him over. After a couple of minutes of chatting, the guy gets up the nerve to ask her: "The bartender says you're a hooker, is that true?" The woman says "Yes. I do it for the money. In fact, I'll do anything for $200." The guy thinks for a minute and then pulls out $200, gives it to her and says "Paint my house."
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?" "I switched cocks." "What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
Dennis the drunk was broke as usual, but needed a drink. He knew the barman to be a sporting fellow, so he offered him a bet. "I'll bet you the price of a pint of beer that my prick is longer than your cat's tail," he said to the barman. The barman could not resist a certain winning bet so he lay down his money. The barman whipped up the cat and measured it and then measured Dennis's somewhat sad-looking member. "You lose by just over 3 inches, Dennis," he said, "so pay up!" "Just a minute," slurred Dennis. "Where did you measure the cat's tail from?" "From its arse to its to its tip replied the barman. "OK," said Dennis. "Well, would you mind giving me the same courtesy!"
These two strangers are having a drink at a bar. The one orders a beer and drinks it down rightaway and then sighs with pleasure. He immedietly walks over to the window jumps out and floats to the ground. A minute later he walks back in and sits down next to the stranger. The stranger can't believe what he just saw and asks for an explanation. The other man explains that when ever he drinks this certain kind of beer it makes him feel so good he feels like floating. The stranger has heard enough and orders the same beer and drinks it right down goes over to the window and jumps out, splatt! The bartender looks over at the guy left at the bar and says, "Superman sometimes you're such an ass".
One night Jerry brought home a dozen roses to his wife. "How lovely, dear," she commented. "What's the occasion?" "I want to make love to you," he said simply. "Not tonight dear. I have a headache." The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love. "I'm awfully tired, honey," said his wife. "Not tonight." Every night for a week Jerry brought home an elegant gift, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife. "How adorable, Jerry," she exclaimed. "But what are they for?" "These are the pallbearers for your dead pussy."
These two strangers are having a drink at a bar. The one orders a beer and drinks it down rightaway and then sighs with pleasure. He immedietly walks over to the window jumps out and floats to the ground. A minute later he walks back in and sits down next to the stranger. The stranger can't believe what he just saw and asks for an explanation. The other man explains that when ever he drinks this certain kind of beer it makes him feel so good he feels like floating. The stranger has heard enough and orders the same beer and drinks it right down goes over to the window and jumps out, splatt!!! The bartender looks over at the guy left at the bar and says, "Superman sometimes you're such an ass".
Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One man says, "I had the worst Freudian Slip the other day." The other man responds, "What is a Freudian Slip?" "You know, it's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about. Like the other day I was at the airport and this really beautiful lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh', I asked her for 'to Pickets to Tittsburgh." The second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the Orange Juice, and instead I said, "YOU RUINED MY LIFE!"
A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch. He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch" The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc.. At one point an old drunk guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out. "This is piss!" he yells. The old drunk nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?"
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs who are drinking in a bar. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?". "No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not". "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions. "No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy." "Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender." The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please." The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender. The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?" "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to shag the cat."
A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender's having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned. "Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?"" The guy answers, "I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbour, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream." The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. "So you came home and found cream on the weight?" The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, "It's worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter."
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?" She responds in a loud voice : "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table. After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." The young man responds loudly with, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND RUPEES. FOR ONE NIGHT ? ! THATS TOO MUCH !"
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in Alabama these days?"
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"
A confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" she asked. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said. The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop. "Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender. "Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!" "Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house." So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down. "If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?" "I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!" "Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?" "Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said......BAD DOG!"
Tom and Clark were standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break and Clark said, "Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?" "Get outta here," said Clark. "No I'm serious, watch me." Clark hopped off the building and sure enough, he was taken in by the draft at the third floor window. He took the elevator back to the top and Tom and a security guard that arrived were standing there, Tom in awe. "I can't believe it." Said Tom. "I know you should try it Tom." So Tom hopped off and plunged into the ground. "Superman you're an asshole when you're drunk." said the security guard.
So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says' That's amazing. Where did you get him?' Bill says' well I got this magic lamp with a genie' So the other fellow says that's great could I use it?' Bill says 'sure ' and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says' I want a million bucks'. Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks! Joe exclaims 'Hey! I asked for 1 million BUCKS! not DUCKS!' Bill explained 'Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie -- *poof* -- you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. Sooooo, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." -- *poof* The mirror swallows her. Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." -- *poof* The mirror swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." -- *poof*.
A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He looks down the bar and sees a drunk man who keeps falling off his stool. The man finishes his drink watching the other man try to get back up on the stool. Feeling sorry for the drunk, the man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling. The man thinks that this drunk needs to be taken home, so he finds his address in his wallet. On the way to his car, the man had to practically carry the drunk man. After finally finding his house, the man carries the drunk man to the front door. He rings the doorbell and a lady answers. "Ma'am, your husband is drunk, so I decided to give him a lift home." The woman replies, "Thank you sir, but I have one question... Where's his wheelchair?"
One day a little pig walked into a bar. He drank a couple, then got up to leave. he asked the bartender, "Which way to the bathroom?" She answered, "Go down the hall, first door on your left." The pig went to the bathroom and left. The next day another little pig came into the bar. he also had a few drinks, and asked the bartender where the bathroom was. Again, she told him, "Go down the hall, first door on your left." Again, he went to the bathroom and left. This went on for another week. One day a pig walked in. he had a few drinks, but he got up and started to walk out. The bartender stopped him and asked, "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The little pig replied "No, I'm going wee wee wee all the way home..."
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, 'Well, how was it?' The woman says, 'You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.'
PLEASE READ THIS, IT'S IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO TO CLUBS OR BARS AND DRINK. Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. Good girls out there, please alert your guy friends. And girlfriends, take heed. There is a drug called beer, that is essentially in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that beer is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Alert all those you care about! This has been a public service announcment.
A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that if you put a shot glass at that end of the bar, I could stand at the other end and fill it up with my urine." Well the bartender thinks, "That's an easy $100." So he says "Okay." Thus the guy gets on top of the bar and pees everywhere, even on the bartender. Well, the bartender doesn't care, he just won $100. So very happily the bartender asks for his money. The guy very happily says, "Here you go!" The bartender then asks, "Why are you so happy?" And the guy says, "Well, do you see that guy at the other end of the bar?" The bartender looks and finds a gloomy looking man. Well, I bet him $1000 that I could pee on you and you would be happy!"
It was late one night when a man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bartender to bring him a beer. The bartender did and the man quickly drank down the beer, then looked into his pocket, sighed, and asked the bartender for another beer. Once he received this beer, the man again drank it down and looked into his pocket again, sighed, and ordered another beer. This went on for quite some time and each time the man finished a beer he would look into his pocket and then order another. Now the bartender had gotten curious and said, "Hey man, how come every time you drink a beer you look into your pocket?" The man replied, "Well.....I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and I keep on drinking until she looks good, and then I go home."
A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
A man has an hour to kill before his flight to Los Angeles. He decides to kill some time at an airport bar. He walks in and sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty whisky glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself to the nervous guy, and buys him a drink. The man asks, "Nervous about flying?" The nervous guy replies, "N-n-nervous? I'm t-terrified. I just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we're g-going to d-die." "Is this your first time flying?" "N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It's m-my job." "Why don't you just ask your boss if you can drive cross-country?" "H-he would never l-let me do that." "Why not?" asks the man. The nervous guy replies, "B-because, I'm the p-pilot."
A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and then bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!" A sudden silence descends. After a moment, he asks, "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens. He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!" Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man. The construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says, "You got a problem, buddy?" "Oh no," insists the man. "I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you. FLASH!!! Breaking News Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Maam, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman, waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."
A body builder walks into a bar, and after a while and a few drinks, picks up a girl, and decided to head back to his place. By the time they got home he saw that the girl was so excited that he rips off his shirt, points to the bulging biceps and says, "See these baby - 1000lbs. of dynamite!" The girl becomes even more excited. Seeing this, he then tears off his jeans, points to his muscular thighs and says, "See these baby - 1000lbs. of dynamite!" The girl can hardly contain herself at this point. So finally, he drops his "fruit of the looms". The girl jumps up and runs for the door, the guy catches up with her and says, "Baby, where are you going?" She replies, "With 2000lbs. of dynamite and such a short fuse I was afraid you were going to explode!"
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda, no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally walks up to her and asks tentatively; "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling at the top of her lungs; "No I wont sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar were starring at them. Naturally the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says; "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!!"
A man that was drinking all day goes into a bar. He demands a beer and is denied. Yet he keeps asking the bartender. Finally the bartender grabs him and throws him out. Another man is walking by and the man who was thrown out stops him. He says hey I'll bet you 100 dollars that I'm Jesus Christ. The man walking by laughs at him and says make it 500 dollars and you got yourself a bet. The man claiming to be Jesus says come with me into this bar and I'll prove it. So they walk in and sit down at the bar. Suddenly the bartender comes from the back of the bar and sees the man he threw out. Angrily the bartender looks toward the man he just threw out and says Jesus Christ I told you to stay out of here. The man walking by looks amazed and pays the man his 500 dollars.
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so good for you!
A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said...PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money. So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.
A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar. As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered fifty pounds to no avail, so he made a final offer of a hundred pounds . The man said that it was all he had on him. The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."
These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar. "Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I hear that St Patrick was a shirt lifter." "Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink. With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and I hear he was a pervert too." "Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds. "I know how to rile this tosser." Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?" The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me."
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here." "You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk." "Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks. "The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?" "Roof!" "Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?" "Bark!" "And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" "I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties." The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you." As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"
A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks." He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house." Three women were sitting in a bar, (a brunette, red head, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a boy". The red head said, "If that is true then I will have a girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "Puppies, Puppies!"
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."
The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid. "Now what about the butler?" the rich woman said. "A set of wine glasses?" the maid suggested. The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that. A butler never entertains. He'll get a tie." The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl?" The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her another apron." The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer's arrogance when they reached her husband. The maid asked, "I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam?" "Of course," the woman replied. "Then how about five more inches?"
This man at the side of the road was fixing his flat tire. A police car stops behind his and the officer strolls to him to offer help. The man says he's doing OK and doesn't need help. The officer takes a walk around the car to make sure everything is OK. He spots a large knife with a fancy handle on the passenger seat. When he enquires about the knife, the man says it's his and he uses it as a juggler at the local circus. The officer then asks him to demonstrate his act to be sure the man is telling the truth, and the man goes through his routine. Meanwhile a car with two recovering alcoholics drives by. The driver says to his passenger, "Man ... I am glad I stopped drinking when I did. It's amazing what they make them do these days at those roadside sobriety checks."
A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred dollars??? What do you mean $200?!!"
An Irishman is really, really drunk, so the bar keeper walks up to him and says: "Right, you've had enough, go home..." So the irishman gets up off his stool and falls flat on his face, so he says: "Ok, ai'll crawl outside instead, to sober up a bit more" He gets outside, and falls flat on his face, so instead he crawls the four streets to his home. when he gets home he opens the door, standing, and yet again falls flat on his face. so he crawls upstairs into his room, stands up and falls flat on his bed and falls fast asleep straight away. The following morning his wife wakes him up and says, 'You've been drinking again haven't you?' The Irishman replies, 'What makes you say that?' His wife replies, 'Well the pub just called, you've left your wheelchair there again!'
Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper, "Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here." Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!" "That's not so great, responded the friend. There's a bar across town that'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free." "Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed. "Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife goes there all the time." A baby seal waddles into a pub and the landlord asks, "What'll you have?" and the seal says, "Whiskey." And the landlord says "What sort?" And the seal says "Anything but Canadian Club..."
A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at a "lovers point" where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her "Do you want to go in the back seat?" "NO!" she answered. Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to go in the back seat?" "NO!" she answers again. Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want to go in the back seat?" he asks again. "NO!" she answers yet again. Frustrated, he demands "Well, why not!" "Because I want to stay up here with you!"
An armless man walked into a bar which was empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented, "It must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for you?" The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is the restroom?" The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the petrol station three blocks down the street."
One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy, "Hey you look just like me!" The other man agrees and asks, "Where are you from?" The first guy answers, "Chicago." "Me too!" says the second guy, "What street do you live on?" "Forty-Ninth Street," answers the first guy. "Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. "What's your address?" "951." "Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?" "John and Cathy," says the first guy. "Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we're related!?" Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new. "No," says the first bartender, "just the Smith twins, drunk again."
This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?" The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?" The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt." Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street. So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him. The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt. So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben. And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen." The guy asks" Eileen who?
A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover. After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He says, "I'm here about your ad." Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?" "Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies. "Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires. "I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he continues. Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're a good lover?" He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying." The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else". The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time". The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying." The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else". The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time". The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".
A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom. The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them. He asks the first duck, "What's your name?" "Huey," replies the duck. "So, how's your day been?" "Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day." The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name?" "Duey," replies the duck. "So, how's your day been?" "Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day." The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?" The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles."
A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on. The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!". So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff." And the blonde says "Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!"
A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex. To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year". The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?" The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"
Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk. The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks". To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!" They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, 'That was a karate chop from Korea.' The little guy thinks 'GEEZ,' but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, 'That was a judo chop from Japan.' So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!! -- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him to the ground. The little guy looks at the big dude and says, 'That was a Crowbar from Sears.'
A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter... where did you get it?" The guy replies "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish." "Great, can I try it?" "Sure." The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie. The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" "Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door. "I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"
A Polar Bear walks into a bar and squares up to the barman. "I'll have a whisky and coke ............ and some peanuts" said the Polar Bear, in a gruff voice. To which the bartender replied, "Why the big paws" So this guy walks into a bar with his 10 foot tall giraffe. Despite the strange stares from the other bar occupants, they proceed to drink themselves silly. After about a dozen drinks, the giraffe stands up and then keels over. At this his companion stands up as well, settles his bar bill and starts to walk out of the bar. The bartender shouts, "Hey idiot, you can't leave that lyin' here!" But the man replies, "You're the idiot... that's a giraffe, not a lion!" 20 lemmings walk into a bar. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar. The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies", I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass". The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say's nothing and gives the guy his drink. this happens twice more. A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks. The barman gets the drinks and says, "it's probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I dont think it's very fair for him to call you that". The woman turns to him and smiles and says... "Oh, dont worry, it's ok - heaw, heaw, he always calls me that"!
Police: "We've come in response to the complaints." You: "Complaints? It isn't about the drugs, is it?" Police: "No, sir, not drugs." You: "The guns, then? They're complaining about the guns?" Police: "No, sir. It's about the noise." You: "Oh, that's all right then. 'Cause there sure aren't any guns or drugs here, heh heh." [An explosion sounds somewhere behind you] You: "Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?" Police: "No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent complaints have come from Kansas." [At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols, roars out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out, moaning.] You: "There, you see? It's winding down already."
A guy sitting inside a bar, was just looking at his drink. Just then a truck driver steps in and takes the drink from the guy, and gulps it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying.' 'No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss was outrageous and fired me. When I left my car near my building, I found that it was stolen. The police said they couldn't do anything so I got a cab to return home. After I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I had left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar to put an end to my life. And now you show up and drink my poison...'
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well," replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye-patch?" "A seagull pooped in my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
After the World Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a drink. The guy from Corona sat down and said, "Hey, senor, I would like the world's best ale, a Corona." The bartender dusted off a bottle and gave it to him. The guy from Australia bawled, "I'd like the best goddanged suds in the world - give me a Foster." The bartender opened a Foster's and handed it over. The guy from Heineken stepped up and demanded, "Ya! Giff me der best brew. Ein Heineken!" Finally the Budweiser President ordered: "I'll have a Coke, thanks." The bartender was taken aback but plonked a Coke on the bar. The other brewery presidents looked over at him and asked, "Why aren't you drinking a Bud or Bud Lite?" The Budweiser President took a swig and replied, "I figured if you guys weren't drinking beer, neither would I."
A man walks into a bar and the bartender said "Hey John, how about a beer." John replies "Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky." "Why call you Lucky?" "Well, I was changing a flat tyre on the highway, when I realized I had forgotten something in the car. Right after I walked away, a semi drives by and knocked the car off the jack. It would have landed right on me." "Boy you are lucky." The next day John walks back into the bar and the bartender said, "Hey Lucky, how about a beer." "Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky Lucky." "Now what happened?" "Well, me and my old lady were having sex last night, when the guy downstairs got mad, because of the noise and shot his gun off. The bullet got me right in the nuts." "Wait a minute, how is that Lucky?" "A minute earlier he would have got me right between the eyes".
After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
After a beer convention, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes!. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large, all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
A Lalu and wife moved in a new housing colony where all houses looked alike. Drinking Lalu would come home late from socialization at the Bar, would not figure out which house to go and end up disturbing neighbors by breaking and entering in their house. So Lalu put a different color light on the entry door to distinguish his house. Next night Lalu came back earlier fully drunk. He saw the colored light found his house. He mumbled to himself, "This is my house, see the purple light." He puts key in the door and mumbled again, "This is my house, see how the key fits in. He opens the door, enters and walks stealthily towards bedroom so as not to wake up the wife." He carefully opens the bedroom door and with great victory smile mumbles again, "Damn it, I knew this was my house because there is my wife, and there I am in bed screwing her."
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face,with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or handsoap in the ladies room."
There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong. "I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me." The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1. When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket." His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife. "He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."
A Scotsman, drinking in a Havana bar, saw a man with a large black beard enter. He ordered a drink, the bartender served him, he drank it, and then started to leave. The bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you going to pay for that drink?" The man said, "Excuse me? Castro's Army!" and walked out. A few minutes later, the Scotsman saw another man with a large black beard enter, order a drink, drink it, and start to leave. The bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you going to pay for that?" The man said, "Excuse me? Castro's Army!" and walked out. When the Scotsman finished his drink, he started to leave and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you going to pay for those drinks?" The Scotsman said, "Excuse me? Castro's Army!" The bartender looked him over. "Where's your black beard?" The quick thinking Scotsman hoisted up his kilt and said, "Secret Service!"
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head "No". Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I reckon I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies gracefully back to the top of the cliff. The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." All three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has one more beer. After he finishes, he says "Ok, I will be able to fly now." All three of them go outside and the second guy jumps off of the cliff. He falls to the bottom, hitting the ground and dying instantly. The third guy turns to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you can be a real jerk when you drink."
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
A man goes into a bar. A mouse jumps out of his pocket. The bartender says, "nice mouse." The man says, "It's not an ordinary mouse. It talks." The bartender says "oh yea, what about?" The man says, "See that woman at the end of the bar, the mouse will tell me what color panties she has on." The bartender says "really? I gotta see this." The man points to woman says to mouse; "Mouse: woman!" The mouse runs down the bar, sees the woman's panties from the floor and comes back and says "pink." "Wow," The bartender says. "Will he do that for me?" The man says "Sure." The bartender sees a woman sitting at a table, points to her, says "Mouse: woman!" The mouse runs out, comes tearing back, bounces off the bar into the bartenders pocket shaking like a leaf. The bartender says "What's wrong with you?" The mouse says "I taught I taw a puddy tat!"
Jaffal, an Italian and an American are in a Liberated Baghdad bar one night having a beer. The Italian drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Italy our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same one twice." The American, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In America we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice, either." Jaffal, insurance man, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Italian and the American and catches his glass. He says, "In Iraq we have so many Italians and Americans that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender. "We got he," replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon." The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner. "I don't replied the hooker. "But I thought you might want to open those beers first."
A man was leaving the local pub at closing time, just after the bartender said "last call for alcohol". The man noticed a lady that had staggered out the door and fallen on her face in the snow. Being a nice guy, he proceeded to help her up. He told her,"It looks like you have had too much to drink tonight. Let me help walk you home for safety and warmth." She replied, "Sure, whatever you want." On the way home, the lady kept saying, "You're passionate, you're passionate," with slurred speech, over and over again to the nice man. The man said, "Thank you very much; those are nice words, but I don't like to take advantage of drunk women." The lady said, "No! Are you stupid or something? I've been trying to tell you that you're passionate, but you just keep dragging me along. I said you're passionate - you passed my house four blocks ago and I need a drink!"
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my guide dog." "Oh man," the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a guide dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar where he asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my guide dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as guide dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The two men take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. He asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well," replied the pirate, "while my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant. I was arrested and my hand was cut off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?" "A sea gull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook..."
During a political debate the politicians were asked to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. The first one, a democrat, came up with an answer right away. He said, "One of my hobbies is painting, and no matter if I paint with water colors, or oils I always fascinate people with my work." The second politician, the republican, said "My grandfather was a magician, and when ever he performed a trick be it with cards, or hoops, or magic balls he would always fascinate us." The third politician, an independent, said "I don't know if I can do that." The MC of the debate said, "Go ahead take a couple of minutes then give it your best." The third politician thought for a while then said, "I know this gal, one time she went to the store to buy a new blouse. The blouse had ten buttons on it, but when she went to button it her boobs were so big that she could only fasten eight."
Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out" His friend said, well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number" Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after. "Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before."
One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road. After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her. Some people passing by spotted this and called the police. As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman." A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please." So they proceed to drink. Then: "...a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too" And they keep drinking all evening. Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender shouts out, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lying on the floor, are you?" The guy replies "That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man," the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" T he guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
A man enters into a bar, and the waiter comes and asks him "What do you want to drink sir?" The customer points out to a guy laying on the floor and replies "Whatever that guy was drinking." A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender." The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please." The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender. The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?" "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
Three men are sat around the camp fire, knocking back a few whiskeys and chewing the fat. The conversation soon turned to their animals as all the men owned dogs. The first man said "My dog is called Woodworker. I'll show you why I chose the name. Go, Woodworker!" and with that the dog grabbed a log from the fire and began chewing it. Within minutes the dog had chewed out a beautiful figurine. Not to be outdone, the second man said "Well, my dog is called Stoneworker, watch this." With that he instructed the dog who promptly fetched a rock over and began gnawing away at it. Within minutes the dog and carved out a beautiful stone figurine. The third man smiled and said "Well my dog's called Ironworker". He put the poker into the fire and waited until the tip was glowing red hot. "Now" he continued, "all I have to do is touch his balls with this and you watch him make a bolt for the door!"
A man walks into a bar one day and says to the barman "Please, I need a really stiff drink, pour me the strongest you've got." "Sure" says the barman, "but what's bothering you?" "You don't want to know," says the man, "but I've just found out my son is gay". He has his drink and leaves. The next day, he's back in the bar. "Please barman, do you remember the drink you poured me yesterday?" "Yes," says the barman "Well, please pour me a double one of those today." The barman lifts his eyebrows quizzingly, pours the drink and asks what has now gone wrong. The man takes his drink, gulps it down and confesses: "My second son is also gay." The following day, the man enters the bar once again and this time asks for the drink to be three times the strength. "Hell," says the barman, "is there nobody in your house that likes women?" "Unfortunately yes," says the man: "my wife."
This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here and while you're at it, have one yourself." "Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks. Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else." The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?" The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar. About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends." "I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve. "Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink."Why, of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin." "Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?" "Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62." "This is becoming unbelievable!!!" they say in union. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs. The man shrugs it off... The bartender looks at him and laughs again, the barteneder finnaly went over to the man and said "I'm sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen." The man replied by saying I dont think so. I can get any lady that I want. The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titted blond sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bet $50 that he couldnt get the woman to even talk to him. The ugly man agrees and says "I'll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her. The bartender accepted. The ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his arms and they walked out the door. The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, "damn that sucks but what happened?" Tthe man replied with "I dont know. He just stood there lickin his eyebrows."
A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks. Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them. When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!" So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat". The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?". The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish". "What did you wish for?" said the Barman. "I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"
A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs. The man shrugs it off... The bartender looks at him and laughs again, the bartender finally went over to the man and said "I'm sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen." The man replied by saying I don't think so. I can get any lady that I want. The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titted blond sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bet $50 that he couldn't get the woman to even talk to him. The ugly man agrees and says "I'll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her. The bartender accepted. The ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his arms and they walked out the door. The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, "Damn that sucks but what happened?" The man replied with "I don't know. He just stood there licking his eyebrows."
A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor. As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home." Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time." "Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!" "OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"
This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, 'A double whiskey please barman, and a drink for everyone here and while you're at it, have one yourself.' 'Well thank you sir,' says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks. Moments later the guy shouts, 'Another whiskey for me, and the same again for everyone else.' The bartender looks a little worried now and says, 'Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?' The guy slurs, 'I can't. I don't have any money.' With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar. About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, 'A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends.' 'I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?' the barman asks sarcastically, marveling at the guy's nerve. 'Not likely,' slurs the guy, 'you get nasty when you've had a drink!'
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
A really sloppy drunk is draped over the bar. The bartender tells him, "OK, you've had enough. I'm not going to serve you anymore, so get out of here and go home." The drunk leaves the bar. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through the back door. The bartender tells him, "I told you to go home, I'm not serving you anything more, you've had enough, now go home." The drunk leaves again. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through a side door. Again, the bartender tells him, "Man, I told you, you're wasted. I'm not serving you anymore, now go home, you've had enough." Again, the drunk leaves. Fifteen minutes later the drunk comes back through another side door. The bartender says, "What the hell is the matter with you? I keep telling you, you've had enough already, and I'm not going to serve you anymore, now go home!" The drunk looks up at the bartender and asks, "How many places do you work at?"
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean? I'm fine." "What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really." "Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands." "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really." "Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes." "One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"
A grimacing, quiet man was trying to climb a bar stool and balance himself on it, but was stumbling down again and again. A guy just entered the bar, saw what was happening and decided to do kind thing to a fellow drinker. He rushes to the man, supports him and tells him, "Don't worry brother, I will call a Cab and take you to your home." He did just that with all his energy. On way the man keeps on stumbling, grimacing, unable to speak a word and needed support to be straightened out umpteen number of times. Stumbling man gives an ID card with address and points at a house with his finger. The helping guy fully worn out stops the Cab, pays the cab bill with tip, carries the guy to the door thru outdoor steps, rings the bell and an old woman opens the door. She looks at the sober but rage expressing husband being helped and says to the guy, "Thanks for bringing my husband back home so soon from the bar but where is his Wheel Chair."
There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 miles home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" "Not a chance!", replies the barkeep. "Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there." So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - "I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
There's a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. "The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. "And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for potential violators of the driving-under-the-influence law. At closing time, the officer notices a patron stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on six different cars before finally finding his own. The fellow then opens his car door and proceeds to sit in the front seat. By now, everyone else has left the bar and driven off. After some trouble, the fellow starts the engine and begins to pull away. The police officer stops the driver in his tracks, reads him his rights and administers a breathalyzer test. Amazingly, though, the results show a reading of 0.00. The puzzled officer demands to know how this could be. "I don't get it. You stumbled out of the bar, triped on the curb and tried your keys on six different cars before finally found your own. How can it be that you blow 0.00?" Replies the driver, "Fooled you, sir... I'm just the designated decoy."
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the hell are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world. Well the first guy says, "I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound." Well the second guy says, "Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound." Well the third guy says, "Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you." Well the fourth guys clearly states, "Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world." The other three guys say really? Why's that? And the fourth guys says, "Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didn't know what to do ... so I shit my pants!"
A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologised and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." This fly goes into a bar one day, and orders a drink. The customer next to him looks at him and says to the bartender, "What's with him?" The bartender says, "Oh, he works in the restaurant down the street." The man asks the fly, "What line of work do you do?" The fly sighs, "The waiters always put me in bowls of soup, and it's tough on my health." This guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender says, "Hey, what's that?" To which the frog replies "I don't know. It started as a wart on my bum and this happened."
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse isn't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies" "Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?" "Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket. The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?" "Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey. "That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?" With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy. "That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?" "Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."
Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"
A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says, "Are you Joe Smith?" The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith." He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?" The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June." "Did you stay at the Hyatt?" The guy looks through his notebook again and says, "Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt." "Were you in room 1368?" The fellow checks his notebook and says, "Yes, I was in room 1368." The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in room 1369?" The guy looks in his book again and says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in 1369." The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with Mrs. Wentworth?" The fellow scans his notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs. Wentworth." The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like it!" Again the fellow looks in his notebook and says, "You know what? Neither did I!"
Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
A big, mean looking biker ties up a nasty german shepard in front of a bar, walks on in, sets down, and orders a beer. Shortly after, a gay man walks in and asks, "who owns that thweet doggie tied up in front?" The biker growls "its mine, who wants to know?" The gay man replys "well, my poodle iths killing it." "What," the biker roars with laughter, "the hell are you talking about? There is no way in hell your poodle can kill my german shepard!" "Oh yeth there iths. Your dog iths choking on it!" A guy walks into a bar and sits down. Hey says "Barman, a black and tan please!" The barman makes him the best black and tan he ever tasted, using Guiness and Bass Ale. As he enjoys his beer, another man walks in and sits next to him. He says "Barman, a Coors Light please." The first man says "Ahh Coors Light, that brinks back memories, like the time I made love in a boat." The other man says "What do you mean?" The first guy says "Well, It's fucking close to water."
A guy goes to a bar and sees a big jar of 5 dollar bills in it. He asks the bartender 'What's with the money?' the bartender replies 'we're having a contest. You have to put in 5 dollars in the jar. then you have to complete 3 tasks. If you pass, you get all the money in the jar' 'ah what the hell. lets give it a try.' says the man, and puts the five dollars in the jar. 'first' says the bartender, 'you have to drink a large glass of tequila without making a face. second, there is a vicious rottweiler outside with a sore tooth. You have to pull out the sore tooth. third, upstairs there is an old woman who has never had sex in her life. you have to have sex with her. ok?' 'fine' says the man. The bartender gives him the glass of tequila. the man drinks the whole thing without making a face. Now drunk, he goes outside. the bartender here's lots of yelling and barking. when the man comes back, he is all shredded up. he asks 'ok, where's the woman with the sore tooth?'
A guy is standing in a bar drinking when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at 10:30 the second guy says, "Oh well, I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out late drinking." The first guy replies, "That is because you aren't doing it right. You should do what I do. Go home. Sneak in the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs and lick, lick, lick usually about twenty minutes and there will no tbe any complaints in the morning. The guy agress to try that and continues drinking with the other guy for about two more hours before heading home to give it a try. When he got home, the house was pitch black. He snuck upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for twenty minutes. The bed was like a swamp, so he decided to go wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. He screamed, "What are you doing in here?!" "Quiet!" she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
A guy walks into a bar & orders a drink. He notices a man next To him sitting there looking into a box. After a while, his curiosity gets the best of him, so he leans over & looks into the Box. Inside is a miniature man playing a miniature piano. "God, that's amazing, where did you get that?", he asked. His bar maid said, "This is my wish. There's a genie out back in the alley & he grants your wishes." The guy finds this hard to believe, so he walks out back to the Alley, & lo and behold, there is a genie there. The genie asks him What he would like to have for a wish, & the guy says he would like to have a million bucks! All of a sudden, there are a million ducks flying around his head, quacking, flapping their wings, etc. He goes back into the bar and says to the bar maid, "That's a poor excuse of a genie! I asked For a million bucks and he gave me a million DUCKS!" His bar maid turns away from the box he's looking into & says, "I guess you think I ASKED for a 14 inch pianist?"
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed; "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked; "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said: "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said; "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied; "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"
A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Philadelphia Eagles jersey and helmet, and is festooned with Eagles pom-poms. The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to leave." The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we can see the game." After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The big game begins with Philadelphia receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal. Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says, "Wow, that's the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they win a game?" The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for three years."
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir" he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?" "I'm from Dublin" came the reply. "Me too! What street do you live on?" "McCarthy street" The second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?" "162" the first man replies. "Me too! What are your parents names?" "Connor and Shannon" The second man, almost dumbfounded says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!" So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though."
A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!" Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied. All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: "Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out. "That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"
A bartender asks a patron, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink and says, "That'll be five dollars." The guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this." A lawyer, sitting nearby and having overheard the conversation, says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you get me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again." The next day, the same guy walks into the bar. The bartender says, "What are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life," to which the bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies, "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
One day a drunk man told the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender grinned and said, "Okay, you drunk." The drunk pulled out his right fake eye and bit it. After more drinks the drunk said, "I bet you $200 I can bite my left eye." The bartender knew it could not be fake, so he said, "Okay." The drunk pulled out his dentures and bit his left eye. The bartender, by now was really mad. After a few more drinks, the drunk said, "I'll bet you $500 that if you slide a shot glass down the bar, I can hop on each stool and pee in it without getting a drop on your bar." The bartender knew he could not do it so he said okay. The bartender slid the shot glass as fast as he could. The drunk jumped on stools and peed all over the bar. The bartender jumped up and screamed in joy because he won $500. In the back he heard, a man yelling in frustration. He asked the man why. The man replied, "That drunk fool bet me $1000 that he can pee on your bar and you would be happy about it!"
This guy was having a drink in a bar. It didn't escape his notice that the bartender was a very sexy lady. She came over to chat for a bit and he said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom," as he lay a $10 bill on the bar. She knew the bathroom was around the corner and accepted his bet. He removed his glass eye and took off to the john. "Very funny," she said when he returned. He smiled and said, "Ok, look, let's try another one." Again, a $10 bill goes down on the table. "I'll bet you I can bite my own ear." She matches the $10 and watches unbelievingly as the guy removes his false teeth and clamps them down on his ear. He grins and said, "All right, one more bet. A chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won't feel a thing." Thinking this was something she knew about, she took him by the hand out back behind the bar and lifted her skirt. A few moments later she giggled, "I can feel you." He said, "Well, win some, lose some!"
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately told him to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside. A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left. Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw. Curiosity finally got the better of the barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks. The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!"
YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRUNK WHEN... You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Job interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes get a buzz after attacking you At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don`t try to fool me because I can tell the difference." The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch." The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don`t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!" Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that`s the real thing." A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that`s really far out what you can do. Try this one." The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!" The drunk`s eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," The guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this." A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again." The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again. They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load untill suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor. The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door. The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door 'You can't leave that lyin' 'ere!' The man replies, 'Its not a lion its a giraffe!
Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years. One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a door prize. Immediately, Jock says "Open it up and we'll have a dram." "Naw, ah'm goin' tae save it for a special occasion." Birthdays came and went, his anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle. Finally Angus had a heart attack, and was laying on his deathbed. He motioned for his old friend to come closer. "Jock, remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won?" "Aye, ah certainly do, Angus!" "Weell, ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock, my dear friend." "Aye, anything ye ask Angus." "When ah'm dead, wid ye take that bottle an' open it up--" "Aye, Angus, then what?" "Wid ye pour it over ma grave?" "Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus. It's 40 year old Scotch! But I'll do it for ye." "Oh, ye're a real pal Jock, and ah'll appreciate that." Jock says, "There's just one thing Angus, wid ye mind if ah filter it through my kidneys first?"
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says 'You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him.' So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. 'Excuse me sir,' he starts, 'but I noticed you look just like me!' The second man turns around and says 'Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?' 'I'm from Dublin', second man stunned says, 'Me too! What street do you live on?', 'McCarthy street', second man replies, 'Me too! What number is it?', the first man announces, '162', second man shocked says, 'Me too! What are your parents names?', first man replies, 'Connor and Shannon', second man awestruck says, 'Mine too! This is unbelievable!' So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks 'What's new today?' 'Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again.'
A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets his beer and begins to drink it when he notices that the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer. Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender, the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter. The bartender is pissed, and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves. The next day the man is back, and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill. The bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business," and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything. Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 bill. The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says, "Here is your damn change." The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out ten dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!"
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!" So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out. One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why. "Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18" The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!" The bartender asks "so which one died?" "No one." "But you only ordered two drinks!" "Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."
A guy walks into a bar with his girlfriend. A very drunk man in the bar looks at the girl and says loudly, "If you were my woman, I would lick you from top to bottom like a lollipop." The boyfriend is angered and starts to get up to kick the drunken guy's ass. The girlfriend stops him, telling him she does not want a scene. The drunken man then walks over to her and tries to give her a big sloppy kiss. The boyfriend pulls him off and is about to beat him to a pulp, but the girlfriend pulls him away. "If that guy even looks at you again, I'm going to kill him!" the boyfriend declared. After a couple of minutes, the drunk came over to the couple again and said "If you were my woman, I'd turn you upside-down, fill your pussy with beer and drink you dry with one swallow." The boyfriend just took the girl's arm and started to walk her quietly out of the bar. She asked him why he was not trying to pound the drunk into the ground for dishonoring her. He replied, "If he can drink that much beer, he's a better than than I am."
Signs that you are too drunk would be... You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Job interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
The Philadelphia Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage -- about 20 minutes -- during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming down several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists do) one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he said. "No need to panic," said a fellow bass player, "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string; it'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded."
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!" A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks." He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."
A blonde waitress goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, the bartender, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....."Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."If you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be OK??" "No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'" As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me a 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference." The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch." The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!" Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing." A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one." The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!" The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, that's right!, now how old am I?"
A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool next to a smaller fellow. The smaller guy looks at the first guy, grabs him by the arms and neck, and says "That's a choke-hold in Judo." and lets go. The first guy, figuring that the little guy is just a bit drunk, lets it slide. Two minutes later, he finds himself in another painful hold, and the little fellow says "That's a secret bracing hold in Karate." Now the guy is getting a little steamed, but he lets it pass. Five minutes later, the little fellow jumps on him again, and puts him in another painful and compromising position. He says "That's a Death Move in Tae Kwon Do." Now the guy is angry and quickly leaves the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back into the bar, and the little fellow is still at the bar, waiting for another drink. The guy walks up to him, and before the little fellow can move, he lunges at him, his arm flying out from behind his back. The little fellow falls off of his stool, and is out cold. He turns to the bartender and says, "That was a monkey wrench from Sears!"
This drunk staggers into a bar, bumping into customers and spilling drinks as he makes his way to the bar. The bartender sees what is going on and is pissed at the drunk when he finally makes it to the bar. "Get out of here!" says the bartender. "I gotta go to the baffroom," slurs the drunk. "I said get the hell outta here or I'll throw you out!!" yells the bartender. "I gotta go baffroom," says the drunk and starts to drop his drawers. "Hold on, hold on" says the bartender "all right, you can go to the bathroom, but afterwarda you get the hell out of my bar!" The drunk agrees and stumbles off to the bathroom. After about 5 minutes, everyone hears this loud scream. Dead silence in the bar. Another loud scream-from the bathroom. The bartender and a few customers run to the bathroom. There's the drunk sitting down. "What the hell is going on?" asks the bartender. "I went, and every time I try to flush the toilet, it crushes my nuts!" says the drunk. "Why, you stupid shit!" said the bartender. "You're sitting on my mop bucket!!"
A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more, and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in England. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness stouts too and we're drinking together." The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. "I'm curious," the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '64." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '64, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Keefe twins are drunk again."
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. "I'm curious," the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Scotland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland." "Of Course", replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?" "Aberdeen", comes the reply. "I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen." "Of course", replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacGregor twins are drunk again."
There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "can I help you"? The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?" The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins." The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool! The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him? The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?" The bartender said, "NO this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!" So the duck walked out again and left. He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again! The duck yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?" The bartender said, "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there." The duck said, "ok", and left. The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?" The bartender replied, "No!" The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?"
A very drunk man orders a drink. The bartender serves him, he asks him if he would like to try a game of darts. Only a dollar for three darts, and three in the bulls-eye wins a prize. "I'm game," the drunk slurs, and he throws the first dart. It's a bulls-eye! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet. . . another bulls-eye! He throws down two more drinks, he's barely able to stand, but he somehow lets the last dart fly. A third bulls-eye! Everyone in the bar is astounded. No one has ever won before, let alone anyone that drunk. The bartender searches for a prize, grabs a turtle from the terrarium on the bar, and presents it to the drunk as his prize. Three weeks pass. The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all in attendance, he scores three more bulls-eyes and demands his prize. The bartender has no idea what to give him, so he asks, "Hey, remind me, what did you win the last time?" "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll-it was great!" the guy replies.
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No, it's not that." the man replied, "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener." The man was really sobbing now, "I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."
Two buddies, Tony and Billy, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Billy throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!" Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually, Billy rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!" Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says: "Nowainaminit,I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy got sick on me... he'd had one too many and he just couldn't hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an' gave me $20 bucks for the cleaning bill!" Jane looks in the breast pocket and says: "But this is forty bucks." "Oh, yeah... I almos' forgot" says Billy, "he crapped in my pants, too....!!" He never saw the frying pan, but vaguely remembers hearing a gong.
A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender "if you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing duck". The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he's doing an Irish jig. Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck. So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar. The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of bud on the house. As he gives the guy the bud, the barman asks, "Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box?" The man replies, "Oh that's easy, you just take the hot coals out."
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?". The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, etc. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says... reallllllly soooooooooooowly... "Sooooooooooo ya gonna vote for Bush again?"
Jack and Tom, are having a beer in a saloon when a cowboy walks in with an Indian's head under his arm. He hands it to the bartender, and the bartender hands him money. The bartender turns to them and says, "I hate Indians. Last week they burnt my barn to the ground and killed my wife and three kids. Anybody brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give them a thousand bucks." Jack and Tom guzzle their beers and leave to go hunt Indians. After a while, they finally spot one. Jack throws a rock, it hits him on the head, the Indian falls off his horse, and rolls seventy feet down a ravine. The two cowboys make their way down the ravine and Tom pulls out his knife to claim their trophy. Jack says, "Tom, take a look at this." Tom says, "Not now, I'm busy." Jack says, "I really think you should have a look." Tom says, "Asshole, can't you see I'm busy? I've got a thousand dollars in my hand." Jack says, "Please, Tom, take a look." Tom looks up at the top of the ravine, and there's five thousand Indians standing there. Tom says, "Fuck! We're gonna be millionaires!"
A man, stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man and they both pour back their drinks. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking. Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, also!" About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
The local bar was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money. Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge. After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar. Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS!"
The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that nobody could beat him. The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money. Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge. After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar. Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked, "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you." "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2." "Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
A women is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her drink she says,"It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday." The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink. In fact I'll take care of this one for you." As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink too." The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water." "All right" says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too." The old woman says, "All right, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water." "Comin' right up!" the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?" The old woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water!"
A Good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep!" "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep." When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep." Then the Good Samaritan got to think that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep." "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep." So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk, Then went back downstairs. To his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over toward him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, save me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
This guy walks into a doctor's office, interrupting an appointment. "Doc, you gotta help me! I'm turning orange down there! It's gonna fall off! The doctor, who has no idea what this could be, gives him a prescription, and says "if this hasn't healed up in a week, come back and see me!" Sure enough, a week later, the same guy shows up, very obviously upset. "Doc, the pills you gave me didn't help! It's worse now! You gotta help me, or it's gonna fall off!" The doctor, still trying to maintain his professionalism, prescribes him a stronger dose, and says "if this hasn't healed up in a month, come back and see me!" Less than a month later, the guy comes bursting into his office. "Doc, I'm really serious. It's fluorescent now. IT'S GONNA FALL OFF!!!" The doctor takes him into his conference room, and asks the man to calm down. "Now, what do you think it is? Stress related, job related, what?" The guy answers "well, it can't be...I don't have a job!" The doctor says "you don't have a job, then what the hell do you do all day?" The guy says "I watch pornos and eat cheesies..."
Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy. I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there." The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here." "Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up." The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?" The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a good place. Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?". Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?" So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope." So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" he goes "No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny!"
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a shot of tequilla. The man downs the first one, slams the glass on the bar and immediately asks for another. The bartender gives him another shot. The man downs the second one and slams the glass on the bar again. He repeatidly asks for shots of tequilla until the bartender refuses him to give him anymore. Disgustidly the man exits the bar cussing and yelling at the bartender making a complete fool of himself. About two minutes later the drunk comes running back in the bar in panic. He urgently asks the bartender to hand him the phone. The drunk takes the phone and dials 911. When the police answer the phone the man says, "Somebody has broken into my car. They took my steering wheel, my accelerator and brake pedal, and even my dashboard." The police reply that they will be down in a few minutes. The man walks out of the bar again, then returns a couple of minutes later. He picks up the phone and dials 911 again. When the police answers the phone the man says, "I just called about a car that had been broken into. Never mind I mistakenly got in the back seat."
A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks-one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom. Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation. "What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks. "Huey," answers the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?". "Dewey," comes the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender: 'Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's ever had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her. Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, 'Wherez zat teeqeelah?' He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. 'Now' he says 'Where's that woman with the sore tooth?'
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a Typical Texas Baby Boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a Typical Texas Baby Boy." Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!". We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now? The proud father answers, Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "Had'm circumcised."
A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill. Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."
Three guys were talking in the local fun bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money. Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge. After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar! Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."
A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more. "The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?" The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife." Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your wife? Where is she?" "She's standing here next to me." The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!" The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details". He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?". The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The bartender says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step... The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an alligator with a sore tooth. If you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three... Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. She has never been satisfied by any man. If you can satisfy her, you win the money!" The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. He orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. Five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves. A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves. The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks ! the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"
Everyone at the local bar were confident that the bartender was the strongest man in the Valley. They were so sure, they had a bar room test. The winner would win a thousand dollars. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out of the lemon would win the money. Over the year, many people tried, but failed. Typical "Strong men" (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) could not beat the local bartender. One day a scrawny, geeky little man came into the bar. He inquired about the lemon & glass. Timidly the man says "I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a fresh lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains to the little man. To the crowd's amazement, thier laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, trucker or what?" To which the man replied "Nope........I work for the IRS."
His v. Hers Directions HER DIRECTIONS: 80 (SF). Just after the weight station near Cordelia (I think), will be an exit for 14 (Sonoma and Napa). Take it. Follow it all the way thru till you end up in Fairfield. There is a signal next to a beer joint, I think it is. I don't know . . . but you merge to the right which turns into a little two-lane freeway dealy. Go thru the signal. Go over the bridge thing. Then when you get to the next signal, make a left to go to Death Valley. You'll be on Carneros Hwy. Then, you will come to a sort of dead end with a blinking red light. Turn right. The road will give you a choice to go straight or veer right. Veer Right. stay on this road until you see a buncha power stuff . . . ya know, those big metal thingamajigs. There will be a stop sign. You can either go straight or turn right on Lincoln. Turn right and follow that to the end. It's kinda a long way. You will hit Old Bluewood Hwy. Turn right on Old Bluewood and follow it down past the 8 Ball (a bar that will show up on the right). HIS DIRECTIONS: 80 West Exit 14 Exit 121 (Left at Light) Exit 116 (Veer right) RT Lincoln Road RT Old bluewood RT Myrtle RT Lancaster RT Lassen St
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch." The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch." The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss," The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."
Two guys, Brian and Dave, fancied a drink or two but didn't have much money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of two dollars. Brian said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Dave said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Brian replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." They went into the nearest bar where Brian immediately ordered two beers and two whiskies. Dave said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Brian replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Brian said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage in my pants. You go on your knees, pull it through my zipper and put it in your mouth." As Dave did this, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued the same scam, bar after bar, getting drunker and drunker, and all for free. At the tenth bar Dave said "Brian - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me! I'm losin the plot" Brian said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third bar."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Canada sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?
A man walks into a bar in London and ordered 3 glasses of beer and sat in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished, he came back to the bar counter and ordered 3 more. The bartender tells him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I'm here in London. When they left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The man became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way. He ordered 3 beers and drank them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered only 2 beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss." The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs... "Oh, no," he said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive". "The only thing is, one of them quit drinking."
These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest wife. The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says, "Why don't you settle it once and for all and just visit each others house and decide for yourselves." "Damn Good idea," they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the first guy's house. Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife answers, she's not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two. "Not so fast," says the second, "I got that beat." And off they go to his house. He bangs on the door and his wife comes to the door, and all three step back in fright, she's damn ugly. He asks to collect the bet but the third guy says, "Sorry. I've got you both beat." He goes to his house and walks right in, there's no sign of anyone around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear a voice say: "Is that you honey?" "Yeah it's me," he says. "Do you want me to come out?" she asks "Yes please," he says. "Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks. He says, "No, I don't want to screw you! I just want to show you off."
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he returns to the bar and orders three more pints. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it... It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that. The Irishman soon becomes a regular in the bar, always ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, though, the Irishman approaches the bartender and orders only two pints. All the other regulars notice this and fall silent. When the Irishman returns to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
There was this drunk guy at a bar talking to the bartender about how much he loves gambling, and that he never loses. Just then, this other guy walks in bragging that he can sit eyes closed with his back facing the bar, and name what kind and how old any beer or wine is that you give him. Only by taste and smell. The drunk who had been there before heard and thought to himself, 'this would be an easy way to win some money' so he goes over to him and says, 'I bet you that I can give you a drink that you can't name.' 'You're on, ' replied the bragger, 'as long as you pay.' 'Deal! 'So the gambler puts the first drink on the table. The guy closes his eyes picks up the drink and takes a sip and smells it thinks for a while and says, 'imported white wine 3 years old.' Stunned the gambler pays for another drink and puts it on the table, the man picks it up sips it and smells then replies, 'Jack Daniels 2 years old.' Stunned once more the gambler realizes that he is short on cash so he gets a glass and pisses in it and gives it to the guy. Again the guy picks up the glass and sips it, gags and spits it out. 'This tastes like piss!', the man says.' 'Yeah', says the other, 'now guess how old I am!'
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender does just as the drunk requested and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender gets angry and throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He gets furious, picks the guy up and hurls him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "You!? No way! You get too violent when you drink."
A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink. "I'll have a bourbon and Coke!" The man then turns to his dog and asks, "What are you going to have, Rover?" "I'll have a Scotch and soda -- light on the soda," says Rover. The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. "Come on," he says, "that dog can't talk -- you're a ventriloquist!" "No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself -- but don't let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog." The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone. "Hey, where's my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight." "Aw, I didn't believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper." "Let's go look for him," said the man. The two went to the drugstore -- no Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets -- no dog! Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away. Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, "How come you are doing this? You have never done this before!" Dog says, "First time I ever had any money!"
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua???"
Liquor Warning Labels New Liquor Liability Warning Labels suggested for FDA to act upon: 1. The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering, "What the hell happened to your bra and panties?" 2. The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 3. The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. 4. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. 5. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 6. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. 7. The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. 8. The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. 9. The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 10. The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked. 11. The crumsumpten of alcahol may mack you tihnk you can tipe real gode. 12. The consumption of Alcohol may leave you clothesless.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy replies, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartenderdirects him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says, "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."
There's a drunk guy who decides that he wants to go fishing. He packs up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot. Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he'll give it a go. Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a hole in the ice. Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There's no fish in here." The drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing. Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there's no fish in here!" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task. "Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble." "Who are you" shouts the drunk guy, "you don't scare me!" "Look," replies the voice, "I'm the manager of this Ice Rink!" As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing. Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath. In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches him and tells him, "You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm. The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians, last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two blondes made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy. Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy." Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this." Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand." But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this." So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh my God, we're going to be millionaires!"
A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!" A few weeks pass uneventfully. One afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town! Run for your lives!" When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer now!" He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, nearly splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out. "Dang it, I don't have time!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town. Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin?"
Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks. After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. "This place is great, isn't it?" he asks. The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies, "Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below. "Here's why." The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft! "The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing." He floats back into the room. As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window - down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air. He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below. The first man grins and returns to the bar. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits. "You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left Wyoming, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "...It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously, I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
A man walks in the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries, "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?"
A green horned northerner went down to Texas on vacation. One evening he decided to go for a drink at his hotel's bar. Swinging a leg over the stool he calls out, "Barkeep, I'd like a beer." The barkeep asks, "You want a Texas size beer?" Without hesitation the northerner answers, "Yep! I want it Texas sized." The barkeep goes to get the beer and brings back a barrel of beer. The northerner looks in surprise at the size of his beer. "Well, if I'm going to drink all this I better get some popcorn." "Texas size?" The barkeep ask. Nodding the northerner says, "Yep! Texas size." The barkeep leaves and brings back a bushel basket of popcorn and puts it beside the northerner. A long time later the barrel of beer is almost empty and the popcorn gone. The northerner sees the barkeep and motioning him over slurs out, "Where's the bathroom?" The barkeep points down a hallway. "Just go down that hall and take the first door on the left." The Northerner stumbles and staggers down the hall but instead of taking the first door on the left he takes the first door on the right. He goes into the dark room looking for a light switch and falls into the hotel swimming pool. "HELP! HELP!" He cries out. The barkeep runs into the room and turns on the light. The northerner in a panic cries out. "Don't flush it! Don't flush it!"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
So, how do you tell if your throwing a successful, kick-ass, party? Just take this quick and simple quiz to find out! Festivity Level One: Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand around the piano singing carols. Festivity Level Two: Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas ornaments and sitting on the piano singing "I Gotta Be Me." Festivity Level Three: Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around the piano shouting the words to "I Can't Get No Satisfaction". Festivity Level Four: Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing. Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don't want your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success, however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job as host is to see that they don't arrest anyone. If they are intent on arresting someone, your job is to see that it isn't you. Following is an example of how to successfully handle this situation.
Top Ten Fun Things To Hide In Your Boss' Office: 10. A "baby monitor." Makes those closed door meetings easier to hear. 9. A pregnancy test kit with a positive result and an unsigned note saying, "I told you that damn condom ripped." 8. Put a piece of tape on the underside of his mouse. That way the ball doesn't roll and it will take the jerk and the IS department all day to figure it out. 7. 32 beepers, all stashed in different places. Borrow them from managers who are forced to wear them 24 hours a day. Page a different beeper every 15 minutes. This works especially well if you also switch his morning decaf with espresso. 6. First, simply hide pot seeds and watch as your clueless boss waters and nutures the plants daily. Second, watch as boss is escorted out of the building three months later by security. 5. Thong, lace bra the morning after the company Christmas party. 4. Nonchalantly drop lingerie and then kick it under the front of his desk (where he can't see it, but visitors can) early in the morning before an important meeting. Then, during the meeting, stare quizzically at the floor under his desk. 3. A memo from Accounting Department requesting a meeting to review his recent purchases on the company credit card? 2. An open and empty condom wrapper. And the number one fun thing to hide in your boss's office ... 1. A stained dress.
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows."51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.
A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here." The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink." The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!" "No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here." The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have my drink." says the dog. The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards." "Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves. Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, "Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this before!" The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it." So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!" The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." "No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Charlie and Audrey are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Charlie says to Audrey, "Audrey, I was wondering, have you ever cheated on me?" Audrey replies, "Oh Charlie, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Audrey, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." "Three? Well, when were they?" he asked. "Well, Charlie, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Audrey, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?" "Well, Charlie, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Audrey, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Charlie, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. I'm not drunk you shilly sit!
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get." The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered. "On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good." "But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed. "Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get." The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered. "On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me a world of good." "But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed. "Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."
A man takes his puppy to a bar and is told in no uncertain terms to leave immediately. "But this isn't just any dog," the man says. "This dog can play the piano." "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay, and I'll give you a drink on the house." The man sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing -- ragtime, Mozart, Gershwin -- and the bartender and patrons love it. Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. "What the hell was that all about?" the bartender asks. "Oh, that's his mother," the man says. "She wants him to be a doctor." As a dental hygienist, I had a family come in one day for cleanings. By the time I was ready for the father, he informed me I had a lot to live up to. His six-year-old daughter kept commenting that a "very smart lady" was cleaning their teeth today. The father said she kept going on about my intelligence until he finally had to ask what she was basing her opinion on. The little girl replied, I heard people in here call her the Dental High Genius. (Barbara Givens) A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" The mother answered. "Not too good. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" "Because I don't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call."
BEER TROUBLE SHOOTING GUIDE SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself latched to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to rest room, practice in front of mirror. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender before departure. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth with bag. SYMPTOM: Consciousness regained without recollection of how you got there. FAULT: Probable time and/or space warp. ACTION: Ask bartender for another Beer
A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!" "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
One day a tired salseman goes into a bar and orders a beer. While he's enjoying his drink, he notices a nittle old man with a peg-leg and a Noggin the size of a baseball. Curious, he ask the man, "How in the world did your noggin get to me so DAMN Tiny?" The old man replies "I used to be a sailor, but one day, i was out sailing when my shipwrecked on a remote island. I lived there for about three years. One day a beuatiful mermaid came up on shore. she gave me three wishes. For the first wish, I asked her to be back in civilization, for the second i wished for 25 million dollars. For the third wish i told her that i wanted to have sex with a mermaid. She told me 'sorry, but mermaid dont have the right equipment to have sex. So i said "how about a little head then?" While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?" "I switched cocks." "What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
There were these three brothers that were very close to each other. The brothers always went to a local bar on every Friday at 5:30 on the dot. When the brothers got married they all got married to their wifes to be on the same day and at the same place. When the brothers moved away from each other to go on with their lives with their new wife, they all promised each other that they would still go to the bar every friday at 5:30 and drink for each other. On the first Friday that the brothers were separated, the first brother went to a local bar and ordered three drinks. He took one sip from the first glass the took one sip from the second glass then from the third. He did this until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and went home. This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally asked why he did that. The guy explained about the promise that he had with his brothers. The bartender said that he thought that was a very good promise to keep with each other. One day the same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer. The bartender thinking something awful has happened, said "I am awfully sorry about your brother." The guy not knowing anything about what the bartender was talking about said "What happened to him?" The bartender said that when he only ordered two drinks instead of three he thought that something awful had happened. The brother then said "No, nothing happened to my brother, I just decided to give up alcohol."
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey ordered a drink. While he was drinking, the monkey jumped all around the place. It grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. It jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and,to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole. The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy said, "No, what?" "He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink, paid his bar bill along with the stuff the monkey ate and walked out. Two weeks later he came into the bar again along with his monkey. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before. While the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it. Then it found a peanut. This, too, he stuck up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The bartender was disgusted "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked. "No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The same with a peanut!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me." said the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures it first."
One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye." The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty. Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye." Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers. He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop." The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously. "What's so funny?" says the barkeep. "You just lost everything you won and more!" Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry."
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a "splat." Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
Bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results: Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to Earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink. Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below) Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years . . . Alzheimer's and term limits be damned. Drink: White Zin Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue. Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... Drink: Shots Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait. Then there is the male addendum .... The deal with guys is, as always, = very simple and clear cut. Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid. Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid. Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid. Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid. Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something. White Zin: He's gay.
A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he dares have only one beer. The bartender asks him what the problem is, and he replies "The last time I came in drunk at 3:00 A.M. my wife was so bent out of shape we damn neared ended up in divorce court." The bartender replies "I'll tell you what, all you have to do is give her an extra special treat and she'll forget her little mad." "Such as?" asks the patron. "Do you ever go down on her?" The patron replies, "I really can't bring myself to do that, and, in fact, the mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach!" "I'd get over it if I were you." replies the bartender. "Just think, she'll be so grateful and no matter how loaded you are you won't be all stressed-out trying to keep it up and end up resorting to soft-packing." "I'll give it a try. And now, get me a double Manhattan!" Our hero stumbles in the house blind drunk and having a hard time containing his guts. "I'll get this over quick and hope not to upchuck all over her." he thinks. "I don't EVEN want to see it," he tells himself and so goes into the bedroom without even turning on the light and dives straight under the covers at the foot of the bed. The response in incredible! Our hero's response is an incredible wave of nausea so he rushes into the bathroom where he sees his wife sitting on the toilet taking a tinkle. "I don't know how you beat me in here." he says "But be quick! I've got an emergency!" "Shut up you damn drunk." she hisses. "Your mother's in there trying to sleep!!"
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight,Paddy". Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way den." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite", he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" he cries. He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face. "Bejesus. I'm fockin' focked," says he. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and collapses inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way." But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." Again he pulls himself up by the doorframe, takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy.Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Paddy says, "I did, Jess,I did. I was fockin' pissed, and how did you know?" "Mick the bartender phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over." "That's not so bad, what's the big deal?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened?" the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over." "Again?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." " So, what did you do then?" then man asked, intrigued. "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail." "Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed." The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. "Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is very hot, humid and the pubs are rough. Anyway, this posh pommie (English) bloke is traveling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18 miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat. Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks in, dripping wet, and heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside. So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of shit, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable. He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head. Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand. "What..What is going on?" Stammers the poor pommie. The huge Aussie responds "Get the hell out of the Laidies you dirty bastard." There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie - poof it swallows you up.
A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink. "The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' " The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "timex." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" the fella proudly replies,"Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella's on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'"And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks,"Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's 'strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"
Dear Santa, I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatmen; the bitch has EVERYTHING! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations- we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from Hell will result in action taken by myself and others. PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe; he's mine, at least that is what he said last night. Sincerely, Ken
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. "You don't even need a license," he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load, so remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "but it's illegal to bait 'em."
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?" The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods." The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?" The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it." A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks. The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back." The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!" The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar. The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
Angus McClod walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to go down to the basement and deplete his supply of the rare and expensive liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that his customer won't be able to tell the difference. Angus downs the Scotch and says: "My good man, that Scotch is only ten years old. I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch." Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The customer drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch." So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the customer a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again Angus states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch. The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. Angus downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate. An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own: "I bet you think you're real smart," slurs the drunk. "Here, take a swig of this." Rising to the challenge, Angus takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God!" Angus exclaims. "That tastes like piss!" "Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The fellow replies, "Well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods." The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?" The man stops crying and says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it." A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks. The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back." The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!" The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar. The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
New Beer Warning Labels Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers: 1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. 2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. 4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. 5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. 7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. 8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked. 9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary. 10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. 11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. 12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder,point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will provide you with oral sex - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador Answered, "One of them is a cannibal"
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder,point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will provide you with oral sex - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador Answered, "One of them is a cannibal!"
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers: WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?" The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?" The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?" The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?" The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy." The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?" The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, 'What the heck, I really want a drink.' So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, 'What's the name of your penis?' The guy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.' The gay bartender says, 'I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.' So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, 'Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?' The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, 'TIMEX.' The guy asks, 'Why Timex?' The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!' A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, 'So, what do you call your penis?' The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD, because quality is Job 1', he then ads, 'Have you driven a Ford lately?' Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer.' The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why secret?' The guy says, 'because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!' "My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. "I got in a tiff with Riley." "Riley? He's just a wee fellow, " the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand." "That he did, " Kelly said. "A shovel it was." "Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?" "Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," The ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. "That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds." As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license." So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season." "Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"
Drinker's Alphabet: A is for Alcohol :The key to surviving college B is for Beer :The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging C is for Class :What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party D is for Dancing :A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic E is for Emergency :The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party F is for Fucked-Up :Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out G is for Games :Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers H is for Hang-over :Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank I is for Idiot :The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party J is for Jail :Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home K is for Kissing :What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers L is for Lord :Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol M is for Money :That which you no longer have due to too much partying N is for Not Again! :What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know P is for Pee :What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer Q is for Quilt :What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning R is for Reform :What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet S is for Sex :What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk T is for Ten :The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk U is for Underage :Most of the drinking population in college town V is for Vodka :The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour W is for Worm :The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow X is for X-Ray :How they can see into your stomach before they pump it Y is for Yourself :The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end Z is for Zoned :How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking
Drinker's Alphabet: A is for Alcohol: The key to surviving college B is for Beer :The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging C is for Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party D is for Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic E is for Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party F is for Fucked-Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out G is for Games: Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers H is for Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank I is for Idiot: The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party J is for Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home K is for Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers L is for Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol M is for Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying N is for Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know P is for Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer Q is for Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning R is for Reform: What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet S is for Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk T is for Ten: The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk U is for Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town V is for Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour W is for Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow X is for X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it Y is for Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end Z is for Zoned: How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking
Employee Performance Evaluation Joke submitted by: Anonymous EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATION Employee Name _______________ Date of Review __________________ KNOWELEGE: 1.____ The son of a bitch really knows his shit 2.____ Knows only enough to be dangerous 3.____ Only half a brain and is dangerous 4.____ Fucking brain damaged. His coffee cup has higher I.Q. ACCURACY: 1.____ Does excellent work is not preoccupied with women 2.____ Pretty good; only occasionally blows it out his ass 3.____ Has to take his shoes off to count higher than ten 4.____ Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice ATTITUDE: 1.____ Extremely cooperative (Kisses ass frequently) 2.____ Brown noser in poor standing 3.____ Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it's his job 4.____ Dosen't give a shit, never did, never will RELIABILITY: 1.____ Really a dependable little cocksucker 2.____ Can rely on him at evaluation time 3.____ Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door 4.____ Totally fucking worthless APPEARANCE: 1.____ Extremely neat; even combs his pubic hair 2.____ Looks great at evaluation time 3.____ Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch 4.____ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him PERFORMANCE: 1.____ Goes like a son of a bitch, if there is money in it for him 2.____ Does Ok around evaluation time 3.____ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes 4.____ Couldn't do less work if he were in a coma LEADERSHIP: 1.____ Carries chain saw and gets good results 2.____ Occasionally gets told to get fucked 3.____ Mother Theresa tells him to get fucked 4.____ Couldn't lead a pack of hungery wolves to meat I understand I have been evaluated and know my rights under the Privacy Act of 1969. I further acknowedge I am as fucked up as a football bat and will attempt to correct my deficiences. EMPLOYEE SIGNATURE _______________________________________________ MANAGER SIGNATURE _______________________________________________
A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, spots a good place to stop for a beer. As he approaches the bar, and sees a big sign on the door that says, "NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" Hummm, Thinking this is a bit strange, he enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, looks him over and says "You smell some kind of nerdy". He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. Yes." As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him "Why did you do that". The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The Nerds are in season because they are overpopulating this whole Silicon Valley. And Hey, "You don't even need a license." So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away. Believing he is doing the right thing, the truck driver reloads his gun. While Preparing to shoot a bunch more of them little nerdy guys, a highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of his car screaming at him, STOP!!! STOP!!! "What's wrong officer? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But the limit is one per day, And you can't BAIT EM !!"
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING: SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar.
Santa Claus is not a woman. Here's why: First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to 'bond' with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do NOT make your butt look fat." Plus: * Soot is a female irritant * Women don't know how to change the lightbulb in Rudolph's nose * Most women surveyed said they prefer little or no facial hair * Elves are not personal servants * Nice girls don't walk around saying 'Ho' * Mrs. Claus is not a lesbian. Also, the sleigh and the reindeer are not equipped with an automatic transmission, a cell phone or vanity mirrors. If Santa was female, she wouldn't have white hair, she'd be the North Pole poster child for 'Clairol Brunette # whatever'. Santa Chick would only bring junk like 'Easy Bake' ovens, Baby 'Pukes 'n Craps', and worst of all - CLOTHES - to all the little kids in the world because they're far less threatening than really cool toys like 'Johnny Thermo-nuclear Warhead' or 'Rock-em Sock-em Robots' or 'GI Joe Talking Adventure Team Commander with Kung Fu Grip'. And when you leave a plate of cookies out on the kitchen table on Christmas Eve, Santa samples each one to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole damn cookie jar would be missing and and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor. As far as that red velvet suit is concerned, Mrs Claus withheld sex until Santa agreed to wear it. And if all that doesn't prove without a doubt that Santa is a guy, consider this verse from the poem: T'was The Night Before Christmas: "He spoke not a word but went straight to his work..." If Santa was female, that line would have read: "She never shut up, so Christmas was cancelled..." Yep, Santa's a guy alright, as are most mythical holiday characters (with the exception of the Easter Bunny, thanks to Hugh Heffner).
When We Drink Too Much: 1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is. 2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling "woo-hoo!" is truly the sexiest dance move around. 3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe we could do it too. 4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago. 5. We drop our 3:00 a.m. submarine sandwich on the floor (which we're eating even though we are not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it. 6. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them sooooo much. 7. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "oh my god! i love this song!" 8. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us. 9. The man we're flirting with used to be our 5th grade teacher. 10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming to us. 11. Our eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so we keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy. 12. We've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it. 13. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade, but that's just because we can no longer taste the gin. 14. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (er, or, the mop?) 15. We start every conversation with a booming, "don't take this the wrong way but..." 16. We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it. 17. Our hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves. 18. We are tired so we just sit on the floor (wherever we happen to be standing) and take a quick nap. 19. We begin leaving the buttons open on our button fly pants to cut down on the time we're in the bathroom away from our drink. 20. We take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault that we're having problems walking straight.
5 Stages of Drunkenness: Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does. He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..." He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?" The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream." The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream." The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..." "I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream." "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..." The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream." "Ok." the kid whispers quietly. So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike." "Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike." The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars." She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?" "I'll never tell." "You BETTER tell me where you got that money." "I'll never tell." "You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does. The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..." And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT shit again..."
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!" "Woah, what happened to him?" "Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "What a horrible way to die!" "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." "What a way to go, that's terrible!" "No no, that didn't kill him; he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that! So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him." "Man, what a way to go!" "No no, he survived that. He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted. Wallop! 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No no, he survived that..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my house!"
The Official Drinking Scale - UK Perspective 0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet. 1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being. 2 - Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on nice trousers. 3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers. 4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen complimented on his boxers. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisp one by one. 5 - Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French. 6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and they still have an amazing arse. 7 - Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room. Boyfriend/girlfriend gets pissed off. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea. 8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up. 9 - Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign. 10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound. 11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out. 12 - Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realise you've given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
The Official Drinking Scale - UK Perspective: 0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet. 1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being. 2 - Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on nice trousers. 3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers. 4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen complimented on his boxers. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisp one by one. 5 - Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French. 6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and they still have an amazing arse. 7 - Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room. Boyfriend/girlfriend gets pissed off. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea. 8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up. 9 - Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign. 10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound. 11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out. 12 - Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realise you've given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?" The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on." The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth. The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win." The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye." The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!" The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see,I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you." The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle." After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!" The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!" Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?" The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you'd laugh about it."
A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup, the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems. Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this, the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day, I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife that I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family. I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!" The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I've offended you, but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..." "Look, there you go again," said the man. "How can you make such a sweeping statement? Have you ever even TRIED alcohol? "Of course not!" gasped the nun. The evil alcohol has never touched my lips." "Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?" asked the man. "Well, I really don't know..." "I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person." "Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of iniquity; it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than in the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me." "Well, let's go inside and settle this." "No, my son, I could never enter such a place, but how about this? Take my tin cup with you and fill it with the "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it." "You're on!" said the guy. The nun removed all the change from the tin cup and handed it to him. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup, please?" The bartender sighed and said, "Is that nun out there again?"
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder. "Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal. "Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man. Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist." "A what?" asked the builder. "Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens." "Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?" "A pond" the builder replied. "Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house." "I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly. "Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..." The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children." "Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life." "Five nights a week!" the builder boasted. The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often." "Never!" the builder exclaimed. "Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!" The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?" "Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist. "A what?" the puzzled second builder asked. "Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" "No" replied his mate. "Well, you're a tosser then!"
Pussy Versus Beer A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement. Advantage: Beer. A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot. Advantage: Pussy. Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton. Advantage: Beer. Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not. Advantage: Draw. If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. Advantage: Pussy 24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in. Advantage: Pussy. Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer. Advantage: Pussy. If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. Advantage: Beer. If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad. Advantage: Beer. 6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need. Advantage: Pussy Buy too much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much pussy and you will get poor. Advantage: Draw It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game. Advantage: Pussy If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five. Advantage: Pussy With beer, bigger is better. Advantage: Beer. Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable. Advantage: Beer. Beer can make you see the porcelain God. Pussy can make you see God. Advantage: Pussy If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. Advantage: Pussy Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. Advantage: Pussy. If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment. Advantage: Draw If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are. Advantage: Beer. If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back. Advantage: beer. The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Pussy. The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Beer. Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran Advantage: Draw Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle. Good pussy: Almost all but the above. Advantage: Pussy. The government taxes beer. Advantage: Pussy. It's a close call, but the numbers never lie. Advantage: Pussy.
Pussy Versus Beer: A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement. Advantage: Beer. A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot. Advantage: Pussy. Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton. Advantage: Beer. Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not. Advantage: Draw. If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. Advantage: Pussy 24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in. Advantage: Pussy. Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer. Advantage: Pussy. If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. Advantage: Beer. If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad. Advantage: Beer. 6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need. Advantage: Pussy Buy too much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much pussy and you will get poor. Advantage: Draw It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game. Advantage: Pussy If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five. Advantage: Pussy With beer, bigger is better. Advantage: Beer. Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable. Advantage: Beer. Beer can make you see the porcelain God. Pussy can make you see God. Advantage: Pussy If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. Advantage: Pussy Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. Advantage: Pussy. If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment. Advantage: Draw If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are. Advantage: Beer. If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back. Advantage: beer. The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Pussy. The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Beer. Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran Advantage: Draw Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle. Good pussy: Almost all but the above. Advantage: Pussy. The government taxes beer. Advantage: Pussy. It's a close call, but the numbers never lie. Advantage: Pussy.
A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says: "Hey, bartender! Gimme a Martini!" "No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already." The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar. "Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?" "Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!" Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes. Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a Martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it. "What's this," says the drunk. "That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender. The drunk drinks his Martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves. Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced. "Bartender," he says. "Gimme a Martini!" "No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go home." Again the drunk notices the darts. "If I can throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks. The bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of him." "Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over. Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes. "Holy cow," says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a Martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it. "What's this?" asks the drunk. "That's a prize for being such a good shot." "Oh," says the drunk, and he quaffs his Martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves. Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar. "Gimme a martini!" he demands. "No, no," says the bartender. "You've been overserved already. Get on home." Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says:"Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm not overserved?" The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull's eyes. "OK," he says, forking over the three darts. The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously. Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's eye! "Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a Martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail. "What's this?" asks the drunk. "That's a special prize for being so good at darts," says the bartender. "Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"
It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck of New Mexico who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States. Here are this year's winners: 7th Place: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son. 6th Place: 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. 5th Place: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. 4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. 1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.
Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions: 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.) 2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers) 7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.) 12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) 13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)
The "Beer Me" Diet: It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night! FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates. FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal. FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be). FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional "How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home. FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks. FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of the day's required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches. FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself. FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig. Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation. CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters. MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob. FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men). SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway. SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry. SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin. MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend.
The "Beer Me" Diet: Enjoy your next beer! It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night! FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates. FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal. FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be). FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional "How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home. FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks. FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of the day's required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches. FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself. FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig. Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation. CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters. MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob. FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men). SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway. SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry. SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin. MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend. Happy dieting.
A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The other one says, "No, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz." So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can. The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover! The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?" "Great," he said! "Just great!" The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often! "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . ." "What's that?" "Did you fart yet?" "No . . . " "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix"
The Wine MessengerMen's WearhouseBaseball ExpressOneTravel.com Flight DealsOneTravel.com Flight DealsThe Best Baby Gifts on the Web.Free paid surveys.Tools Now! Tools and a Whole Lot More!Reconditioned Tools Save BigSilly PuttyBooks, Electronics and more 50% off on A1Books.comWorkTree.comFree shipping offerThe Wine MessengerThe Wine MessengerThe Wine MessengerSirius Satellite Radio Inc.Sirius Satellite Radio Inc.Sirius Satellite Radio Inc.Hottest New Releases at booksamillion.comThe Worlds Largest Map Store!Subscribe to USA TODAYRC HelicoptersMen's Wearhouse101inks.com101inks.com101inks.comHottest Style Glasses, Frame AND Lenses, for $39!!Poker SuppliesSend Eco-Elegant FlowersProStores 1 Month Free TrialThe New York PassOne Card. One Price. Endless Fun!OneTravel.com Hotel DealsThe best selection of tools!The Wine MessengerFree shipping offerShop for sexy lingerie at Henry and JunePoker SuppliesBuy Furniture At WillyGoat.comPurchase Grills for Summer at WillyGoat.comBuy Trampolines At WillyGoat.ComRadio Flyer products by Willygoat.comSirius Satellite Radio Inc.Buy Home & Outdoor At WillyGoatBuy Wood, Metal, And Plastic SwingSets - WillyGoat


Send free text messages!
Please enter a cell phone number:

NO Dashes - Example: 7361829726

Please choose your recipient's provider: